Dark Side Of The Room (Jack's Girlfriend)

Chapter 10

I mess up on one of the drum parts again. "I can't do this!" I drop the drumsticks and stand up. "I need air." I go outside and sit against the wall. I pull my knees up to my chest and I begin crying.

"Hey, Rachel, it's okay. Take some deep breaths." "Please just leave me alone. I need time alone." "Okay." Vic backs away and leaves me. A few moments later, I hear Jaime's voice.

"Rachel, we could stop for today if you need it." "Leave me alone." I fling my arms out and I feel my hand accidentally connect with his nose. I immediately feel guilty. "I'm sorry." I run, it's the only thing I can control and I don't want to hurt someone else.

I end up in a park. I sit against a tree and cry. I want to hurt myself. I look around the park and then begin cutting my arm. I eventually stop and put the blade back in my phone case. I let my sleeve fall down.

I feel my phone vibrating but I can't move. "Rachel, your dad and bandmates are worried about you. So are your uncles, their bandmates, and your boyfriend." "They made a post?" She nods. "Oh."

"Are you okay?" "I accidentally hurt Jaime. I feel so guilty about it." "He didn't mention it. They need you." I watch her go on her phone. I see Jack eventually. "Thank you so much." He picks me up and carries me back to the car.

"Is Jaime okay?" "Yeah, it was just a small fracture and none of us blame you. He was pushing you and he knew something could happen."

"Could I go back to the studio? I don't want any of them to be there, I just want to be alone." "Is that the best idea?" "Please just give it to me." He nods. He leaves me there. "Text me when you are done."

I sit for hours, going over and over with the songs until I have them finished. It's like 2 am. My arm began bleeding again but I could care less. I edit the parts and it's like 6 am. I finish mixing them like I was shown and it's 8 am. The things were due at 9.

I hear the door open and I see my bandmates. "Hey are you okay?" "I'm sorry. I finished the songs and the mixing and editing and things." "Rachel, we could've got it pushed back. You didn't need to stay up all night." "I deserved it."

"Rachel." I see Vic look at my arm. "Oh honey." I completely breakdown in tears. "C'mon, I'm going to get you home. I have a feeling you need Jack and sleep."

He picks me up and carries me to the car. I don't stop crying until we get home and it's just me and Jack in the room. He cleans up my arm gently and I'm still rather upset, but I don't have anymore tears.

"Hey, come here." "What if I hurt you?" "Rachel, please." I climb into his arms. I eventually fall asleep.

I wake up in his arms. I have an awful headache. I cuddle into Jack. "Hey, how are you feeling?" "I have a headache." He picks me up and takes me downstairs.

He goes to leave me. "Jack, Ibuprofen doesn't work for me." He nods. "I'll just get you some water, then. I'm sure you are dehydrated." I hold back my mumble about not deserving it.

Vic sits next to me. "Hey honey." "Please stay away. I don't want to hurt you." "Rachel, it was an accident." "I fucking hurt someone because I was upset! I'm no better than Paul was." More tears come to my eyes. He gets up and I watch him talk to Jack.

"C'mon, I want to bring you somewhere. It's long overdue." I follow him. He walks me in. I realize where I am. "Jack, do you think I really need it?" "I think it would make you feel better. She could help you work out your anxiety caused by the incidents with Paul and she could help you feel better with what just happened."

"Will you stay with me?" "If I'm allowed to. We have to do what she thinks will help you best, I'll be outside if not with you." I see the friendly face. "Hi." "Hey Rachel, come in." "Could Jack come?" She nods.

"If that would make you more comfortable. We probably will be mostly talking about the incident a few days ago anyways." I follow her in quietly, pulling Jack along.

"Okay, so can you tell me what happened?" I look down. "I was trying to get a part down on the drums and couldn't. I got irritated with myself as well as sad, I guess, feeling that I wasn't good enough. I knew I needed a break so I told them so and then went outside and sat against the wall and began crying. Then, Vic tried to calm me down, I told him to leave me alone, Tony tried to talk to me and I got pissed off.

I swung my hands out, unaware how close he was, and whacked him in the nose. I immediately felt guilty, apologized, and ran off. At the park, I ended up cutting myself, because I deserve the pain that he felt and more for causing it on him, and then eventually put away the blade."

I stop there. "How do you feel now?" "Scared that I'm going to hurt someone else. Guilty. Upset still, like sad not irritated." "Why do you feel guilty?" "I hurt him because I couldn't control my emotions."

"Rachel, if Jack accidentally hit you when he was irritated, not knowing that you were where his hands were going, would you want him to feel the same pain that you did?" I shake my head.

"Why are you any different?" I look down. "Rachel?" "Because hitting him makes me no different than Paul!" I immediately feel guilty for yelling.

"I'm sorry." I feel tears begin slipping down my face. "Rachel, have you always had issues with irritability?" I shrug. "I have for a while, at least a few years." "How did you handle it?" "I would go on walks or something. Just something to be alone. I used to have nearly weekly arguments with Wendy and Paul for probably a good 2 or 3 months."

"Over what?" "LGBTQIA things. They were fairly homophobic and even more transphobic." She nods. "Rachel, I want to be honest with you. If the trauma you experienced is as bad as Vic made it sound, I'm not surprised your body has changed to some of the coping mechanisms and reactions you've been experiencing.

The irritability could very be it's way of protecting itself. The getting upset when you feel like you may have hurt someone, physically or emotionally, is because of you remembering the pain and trying to prevent other people from feeling it. The fears of touch and anger."

"Oh." "I'm actually surprised how close you are to Jack." "Yeah, I trust him a lot. I've actually worked up the comfort that normally as long as I know he is behind me, he could touch my back without me freaking out."

"What's your relation to Jack?" "Um, he's my boyfriend." She nods. "Have you two ever done anything sexual?" I nod. "Before I remembered. We had only tried once after and it was the day of so I got overwhelmed and we didn't get far." She nods.

"As for the self-harm, you've done it before?" I nod. "How long were you clean?" "4 months, since I came down to San Diego." I feel Jack's touch and I lean into it. "Were they properly cleaned and not in need of stitches?"

I look at Jack and he nods. "Yeah, I cleaned them. If they had been more recent when I saw them, I probably would've brought her for stitches, but when I saw her, it was just dried blood down her arms and the cuts that were no longer bleeding."

She nods. "Alright, that's the end of the hour. Rachel, next time I want to talk about your traumatic memories." I nod.