pink

two

moon song - phoebe bridges
"but you're holding me like water in your hands"

and so life went on, the way it tends to, except now, everything around me glowed pink, like beatrice was a pair of rose tinted glasses. this particular moment, this was especially pink. rain was slowly tapping the window by my bed rhythmically, and music was playing softly in the background.

best of all though, was the girl sleeping like an angel in my arms. i leaned down to kiss her forehead yet again, and brush her hair away from her face. still asleep, she whimpers softly and tightens her arms around my waist, burying her head deeper into my chest. i knew bea liked sleeping in my arms, of course, but recently i've learned it's more than that. any disturbance causes her to burrow deeper into me, tighten her grip, pull me closer, or sometimes grab my hands, all while asleep. it's one of my favorite things.

later that morning, after her brown eyes fluttered open, i kissed her until she was flushed and messy and more beautiful than anything else i'd ever seen. and then i studied her face as she unraveled beneath me at my touch, everything quiet except for the sound of the rain, my lips pressing to hers, and the soft, delicate gasps and moans escaping her mouth, which had fallen slightly open. i reveled in the way her hair fell on the pillow she was laying on and how she looked at me through her lashes, and i fell in love with beatrice for the millionth time.

weeks later, when some scrappy student teacher asked me my highlight from break, all i could think about was the sound of the rain and the freckles that all seemed to be placed intentionally, meticulously. she was perfect. i tell her that all the time that she was perfectly made for me, and i was woven together to fit in her arms.

the next few weeks slipped past me in the silky grey way time tends to. christmas was my moms favorite holiday, and i haven't celebrated since she died. every christmas break i've known for years has been dreary and dark and cold, but beatrices touch and constant presence besides me was like those little heating packets people put into their mittens. slowly, she was melting away the frozen whites of my mind and maybe now it didn't hurt to live as much as it did before.

i was absolutely head over heels for beatrice, and that love was bleeding into the rest of my world. i had never been fond of snow, but i fell in love with it when i saw the way it landed on her reddened face and hat as she smiled at me. i wasn't one for tradition, but i found myself humming sinatra as i bought the very top of a christmas tree, barely a foot tall, and began to string lights onto it, setting it on top of my dresser when i was satisfied. carolers got on my nerves, but i was the first one to admit the home video of a tiny, preschool-aged beatrice bundled up in jackets and scarves and red mittens holding her brothers hand and singing outside someone's house was one of the cutest things i'd seen in my entire life.

that christmas eve, i heard her tap on my window and smiled softly to myself, thinking of the present i had saved up all my tutoring money to buy. i hoped she would like it. she was spilling over with happiness, and just to humor her excitement, i agreed to open her present for me first. i tore off the wrapping paper carefully, and gave her a funny look. it was a dark green metal box.

"turn it over!" she said, shyly biting her lip. i obeyed, and as i did, i realized what she'd given me. it was a miniature locker, painted dark green like the ones at school on all sides except one, the front. my lip wobbled and i felt tears pull at my eyes when i saw that she'd made the front of it into a sort of scrapbook. pictures of me and her were taped all over it, as well as pieces of pink paper signed xo, b. that i recognized as scraps from the notes she wrote to me. and in white paint pen, she had written on it "i love you". "this is how it should have gone." she said, almost nervously, and that was what did it. tears began to blur my vision, and i grabbed her hands and kissed her gently through my tears. "i love it, i-i love you" i hummed, and felt her smile against my lips.