pink

eleven

summertime sadness- "like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky"

billie
first day of school

"can you please come home?" i begged, tears spilling down my face.
"billie, i can't, not for a few months. i'm sorry." he said, sighing at my clear desperation. i know he felt bad, and that he was doing what he could, but god it hurt to have no one.
"please? finneas, you're all i have. you're all i have." i repeated, feeling the tears roll faster. "maybe i could come live with you? i'll get a job, pay for my own food and everything, it'll be like i'm not there, i promise."
"that's not what it's about billie it's- yeah, it's the foster laws."

"listen, in a few months, when everything is sorted out, you can come live with me and claudia. if dad tries to start shit, we have a case, and by then i'll qualify. okay? i promise billie, please don't cry, i'm sorry it can't happen sooner." he said, and i tried to slow the hot tears spilling onto my skin. nodding even though he couldn't see me, i told him i loved him and hung up.

the plan was always finneas taking me once he was 18, and he is now, but you can't adopt someone this close in age and there's strict rules about fostering, so it hasn't happened yet. i've visited him, and his girlfriend claudia before though, and even though i've only been there once, their studio apartment feels so much more like home than my house ever has. it's funny how that is. sometimes home is a person.

i had called finn to talk about beatrice. i couldn't get her out of my head, and i didn't know why. everything about her was so sunny, so beautifully demanding of light. her smile, the way she laughed, how everyone in the room looked her way when she entered, the way she crinkled her nose. god, she was like pure sunshine. liquid gold.

bea was the sun, no doubt about that. and despite having said just a few sentences to her, i missed her light. her color. her sunshine. i missed her like the stars missed the sun in the morning sky, i missed her like something moved from a room i'd memorized, i missed her in a deep way, like she was traced into my muscle memory and her name was painted onto my bones.

i was homesick, homesick for a sunray of a girl who would surely never be my home.