my first | mileven

7.

EL'S POV

i sit on the bench alone. i gave mike his money back and ran away. i skipped school again after that because i don't care anymore.

eventually he will beat me to death and so what's the point for me to try so hard?

i try hard, i get good grades and let's say i graduate college.. i go home and i'm beat to death. i don't see a point anymore.

is there no turning back? i spent years making sure i don't fall into this type of mindset but here i am not caring about everything and is so close and i mean so close to jumping off that cliff nearby.

i curl up on the side of the bench, a frown on my face as i hug my body due to the cold breeze. my cardigan doesn't really make me warm.

"hey." mike sits down besides me but i don't bother to say hi.

"hello?" he asks, "oh my god, you are making me uneasy."

"i would have killed myself." i whisper.

i honestly don't care. what are they going to do about it? i hate lying.

i'm feeling so guilty. my whole life is like a lie.

"that night at the library. the day i went out to the mall with you guys. i would have done it." i tell him and sit up to face him, "tell me it'll be okay because i can't. tell me i matter, tell me i shouldn't make such a stupid decision!"

he stays silent and i let myself cry. i haven't cried in front of someone in so long.

"i'm not good with comforting but.." he moves closer to me and places a hand on my cheek with his fingers tangled into my hair, "you matter, okay? if you die, who's gonna talk people's ass off?"

"i thought i was annoying." i murmur.

"you are. but you're tolerable." he grins and i chuckle quietly, "can i ask what hair products you use?" i switch the topic like what i just said was a discussion about food.

he smirks, "and annoying ass is back. i don't use much hair products." he replies and i gasp, "why can't i have genetics like that!?"

he smiles, leaning back on the bench and wraps his arm around my shoulder, "i'm just a lucky motherfucker."

"potty mouth!" i exclaim and shove him away from me as he laughs loudly.

"look.." he whispers, "i don't know anything you go through or that if it will get better but you're going to go through it." he reassures me and i nod, "i hope so."

"why do you talk so much?" he asks, "i'm not trying to offend you, of course."

i shrug, "i just think a lot and just talk a lot. i've always been like this, i guess. i don't remember when i didn't talk."

he nods, "i wasn't trying to be mean or anything when i called you an annoying—"

"i've been called that a lot, it won't hurt me." i cut him off.

"that doesn't make me feel any better." he says and i let out a small snort, "well, it's just how i was born. i talk and talk and people don't like it. i understand where they are coming from because maybe people just want to be in their own space and i just keep annoying them. i'm trying to shut up more. i am getting better at it but still, people find me annoying. maybe i should just tape my mouth shut."