That one room

Life's insignificant and i am a fraud

Hello! i am no one yeah that what i initially feel! i strive to be someone i am not! yet here i am.  i have been feeling a void in my heart the doctor says that i am completely normal and mom says that every thing turn out to be fine i just have to keep up my believe with "GOD"

"i don't know about him, who is he?"

is he the despair that comes with  experience every time one tries to find hope that times will be better, i know one thing and i read it in a book that every thing and every kind of reasoning a man gives to himself is always influenced by some entity or a human, the human realise this later in life that certain actions were necessary to take but he doesnt take it cause they aren't his actions or his decisions it is a Suggesstion of someone different than them. So the human's sub conscious decides that "well that is the right path that you should take, don't worry i'll make sure that one day you accept it", then out  of nowhere the human makes a decision, same one he got from others, but this time its him who made the decision on his own, he thinks it must be right, the thing about this is to be concise, is that one cannot accept an idea most of the time if they cannot think on their own, cause it takes a lot of humility to accept that someone can be better than oneself. i dont understand people around me, they want to be someone they are not, i am one of them, i wont say that i am high and above them, i am same as them, i try to find what's so special about me, my ideas and end up with universe challenging every thing i stand for!. if i am liberal than i can only see the people who think of communism, i am a communist (which i was once!) then all i see is how idiotic democracy is. I have thoughts and they don't matter in the grand scheme of things. i try to understand every thing at a certain depth but here i am, with nothing and its frustrating how ignorance is a bliss. Before i was ignorant about every thing that was going on in life and that made it simple, then i started giving importance to things like relations with people all i got was small talk, and a fake smile. yes that's how it is. i hate it. i hate it so much that time is quite inadequate in my heart. Some times its like one wants to be nothing but be in what it is and that's peace . And my friend let me tell you this being me is hell. You cant be yourself that's how world works. how could you be someone. Cause that's selfish. and it isn't some kind of a scam its how you made the world. Yeah i think that we all make our own world and in that little world we govern and command the kind of things that happens to us, we distribute the power of how we would like to be treated, how people would want to see us, its all me, i am the creator and destroyer of my own world, i am a god who made friends with other gods and got ridiculed about how simple i think and how small my kingdom is.  YES Iit doesn't make sense. It makes sense to the world i live  in. I dont know what kind of rules other world is governed but then i got to be the adult guy in the room. The one who is transitioning in life who is growing. Yes thats made up. WHO the fuck wants a life where you want to look stupid. And if you do think that being stupid is your dream. Give me some of what you are having. I feel nothing now a days. The days pass by and nothing. I try to live not that there is a life for me. I feel anxious and the source is a failed future. I pretend a lot, I hide behind myself. The real me hidden. Cause i am too embarrassed to disclose it to people who doesn't know how much courage it takes to lets it run wild. Well let me save you some time their, a lot of it is required. I don't have big ideals, just a simple man fearing extraordinary, it just creates a lot in my mind which i don't want to experience. it makes me grow and then i shed tears for the image or for the person i used to be. I have grown but i mourn the death of the self i used to be. I don't have a defined self any more cause it keeps changing. I fear change but its inevitable. I find it useless to struggle and then life thrusts upon its greatest adversities on me. I feel like a fraud some times, when i do something right, like standing up  for myself which i have a complete right for, i feel as if  have done some kind of sin. Why is it that we are motivated and find it I interesting to do things to create an image we aren't but we love it, we feel smart to make fool of the world. we feel that its ok what i feel, its ok that i lied, cause every one does, in the end i am getting something, but what happens when you wont get something in return, except thing that you don't value any more. Its hard when that happens. I have given up for things i used to stand for. Now i only think, that it would be a drag to think, it would be a drag to fight the world cause world doesn't care, it doesn't care that i get what i want or i don't get it at all. It keeps moving leaving behind who cant keep up with it. I have lost a lot of emotions i used to feel. may be that's depression. Cause nothing matters. I become this another person who already had read a script on how to smile laugh on what kind of jokes and say things people want to hear, cause my opinion is just doesn't matter. its true in my world, which i created, where i gave the power to its inhabitants, now the power i created is coming to get me, and i have nowhere to run, i cant have diversions any more. Facing it is the only choice i have. The worst day comes. How will i do? Can you fail yourself? and how does that feel?. Its insignificant is all i can say. May be one day might find the passion, i lost with time, cause all i have is time, no one walks with me but my shadow, only this vague term "GOD" some how understand me, but there is nothing i understand, i have stopped caring for things like this anymore. I have transcended from that hell, i have abandoned it like my hope. Its different and hard to understand, but the thing is i do not hope for things to get better, all i wish for is, i will be better with time, no matter what kind of upgraded, badass shit life throws at me i will stand not kneel in my own kingdom, for i am the king of this insignificant world.