That one room

Chaos And Order

I was reading greek mythology and i am sure why people are so attracted towards it. The philosophy that it contains is rather complicated, but at the same time to simple to understand, it is a bit of both, in my eyes, as an indian, its like complicated, like gaia created ourano's and then married him. Now that is impossible to happen and their are hundred moral obligation our mortal eyes can see. ITs weird at the same time. But when i say that greek mythology is simple, by that i mean that all life and every thing in this universe was created through chaos. IT was chaos who gave birth to whole universe, Gaia herself was created by her. I am like in life we all try to avoid chaos because, chaos leads to pain and pain hurts, so we master the ways to avoid pain, and then even the slightest inconvenience leads to a lot of stress, which is harmful. I was sitting in the room the other day and i realized there is just so much nothings that exist in this world. MY approach was damn nihilistic. Cause I was confronted to truth, we all want to get away from. That's my chaos. But after i read a little greek mythology, i realized that, this pain this hurt, this chaos has created and defined the scared consciousness (as kent would like to say). SO chaos and order define each other. That's all that existence has its task for, We search for what we lack, and that's chaos. Chaos in our hearts leads to a lot of stuff like anxiety, anxiety is born from the fear of failed future, the chaos you feel through anxiety is kind of like you sub conscious trying to protect you from the damage or the danger, but unable to find a way. A way or the way as taoist  people used to say, makes more sense, that there is a way, not defined, unique for each and everyone, you just have to be patient for the situations to calm down. There is so self, cause self keeps updating its status whenever it's hit by chaos, when its damaged, it heals to become a stronger self, or a weaker, as you chose it to be. But one more thing, that's far difficult to chose the path of pain and suffering, cause if you have truly chose those things then that means that you cannot hope that life will be better, but you will be, you will accept that all life is chaos and there is nothing you could do, except define it with order.  That gives us passion, meaning to our lives and may be thats what living life is about, we create a problem, solve it with a solution, but now that solution also created another problem and now we have to deal with it cause that's our problem, with another solution which will create another new problem and it goes on and on and on. That's life. Up until now. But the more will be defined some day, in a better way i guess. But i try to make peace with it. May be in near future i might achieve that. Its difficult, hard work, i don't want to deal with it cause its a headache, A truest form of it, and the worst part about it is that no matter how much  i know that i imagine my problems to be exaggerated, my demons don't seem to have a truce with me, peace is boring for them, they desire war, tragedy, Drama, Simple life isn't for them. They laugh and the unlaughable. Burn me with guilt, over things that don't matter. It's like gilgamesh project, he sets out to find immortality, knowing the fact that all that awaits his is death and despair. And he still fights for his goals, After a lot of chaos he created for himself, he realized that it is impossible for him to gain immortality. He find beauty in death and despair, like stockholm syndrome, that life fucks him up so much by sharing the greatest secret of all, that one day he will die, that after a while he liked the idea. I know i see it so much light. its just me projecting my heart on the paper, everything out of order, everything is chaos. With the Words i try to make sense of these random demonic thoughts that haunt the shit out of me. YES exactly that. I know things won't workout the way i want them to be, i am fine with that, i just don't want to be a bum who turns out to be a man who can take responsibility in the face of adversity, who isn't reliable, or at least weight on some else's shoulder. There is only one hope that i hold, that after all this chaos that haunts my dreams, one day just one day i would love to have little time with chaos. But when i observe this little chaos that lives within me, its now a bad person, these feelings are negative but not bad, they make me to take action, make me move from one place to another, they tell me that why something is important, what they mean to me. Although in my mind, i feel like i have lost a lot of matches with life, i think acknowledging those stupid decision made on impulse was not bad, those decisions that i took without thinking do not disgust me, i empathize with them, i know now that getting disgusted over making a mistake in life is not normal, cause although i cringe so hard on them, i feel like that's what growth is about. When we grow we understand that the thoughts that we moved on from were so idiotic, non sensical that we don't understand why we tortured ourselves so much over so many small things, but that's growth, we mourn the death of the person we used to be, we always feel in love with our innocence cause that's what life used to be about, One or the other way, when we grew we knew that we are random, with no order, we start with greek mythology to make sense of what we feel about our self. Who is this person living inside this body. Laughable are the thoughts of such a man, they are unreasonable, chaotic in nature, but i hope, that's all i have, that's all i got from the pandoras box.