That one room

You Have God!

Yes you hear it right. Now sitting here on a bench near the shore on nothingness, my encounter is with the thought that who is God!. Where is he!. Could he define anything of this madness that we all live in, the madness to be precise on my part, "i live in". If i take my self apart one by one, all i see is that i doesn't matter, and it never mattered. That the atoms or elements  who were given consciousness were all clean sheets of paper, they were nothing, that was the start of their journey and then one day, they kept writing something on their forever changing characters, so that they could avoid the truth, by creating their own truth, by making it a mystery to themselves and then to the people who come after them. The tale is always repeated one after the another, people don't get that everyone is equal in the face of death, and that they all go where every one goes and it is the eternity of nothingness. But that idea itself is frowned upon. "How could that be?". Is what we tell ourselves, but its a possibility, and one has to die to confirm and only the dead knows better. If we believe science then we should know better!. Facts and Figures bring their own problems with new solutions. But that a topic for another time. Thoughts on who was the first man, Why did he decided to create this mess, is a mystery to every guy who knows for sure that their are aliens in area 51. But yes, there is a simple answer and then there is a complicated answer, the simple answer is made to avoid all the conflict we ourselves make us go through. It matters, those complicated ours, they help us write something on the blank sheet we have been given, the sheet is unlimited, there is no limit of how much one can write on it, whatever you desire, but once you wrote something on it, it goes on defining what kind of a person you are or you will be, every thing you write is connected to what you will write on that sheet of paper they next day, it complicated, what's even more complicated is that it keeps on changing, there is no constant, the on thing that is constant is the constant change. God is just another part of illusion born from our imagination. He was no one and then he became the beacon of hope for money, because he asks faith in the face of adversity or should i say those priests i see all the time around the temple, who know how to handle pain but can live without electricity or who know everything about god, but haven't read any vedas. They are something i define to be narcissistic. cause they know, they say it all the time. But what is it that they know about a persons tragedy with life, how can you know ab=nd why should i trust to god whom i never met, who never sat with we to have a cup of tea. Who never spend a single minute with me. They say that God exists, i say death exists and we try to avoid and live in denial that one day it would come to our door as well. There is no eternity, only cycle or life and death, it keeps on repeating it self, its depressing to acknowledge what we all know but seem to avoid. It's hard to understand, is the simplest answer.  For every thought that runs in to my mind i have a counter for it, a kind of perspective for everything that i see myself doing, i loathe about my short comings and at the same time empathize with them, which is abnormal in my eyes. Cause i know that i am not a douche, and still there is so much to think about. Cause yes there was a time when i was a douche  to many people. This "i" never left me, may be its loyal to my instinct's, no matter what things may come, the holy "i" always stands up for me, says that there is still some fire that lives in this heart, that could light up the whole world. But this had already been given up on. I have left the fantasy of this wretched reality. It's a crappy world, i do love games and i praise all the human scholars who created then, cause at least there is a place i am winning, in the game of life, even slightest indifference leads to wars, but in the games, you have 3 lives. IN life you have one. Chances in this world are l zero, cause one mistake and the whole world is after you, laughing on how stupid and fucked up your mind is, then if by any chance, you do something good with your life, then they admire your cleverness, they never understand that there are times when people do things they aren't meant to do not because they are idiot's, because they are ideal, they have time to try new things, they have time to live, and when they try to live their own way, without caring for what other people say, they seem stupid, cause up until now they were only showing the half of what they were to the world now they are shameless, yes that's what it is. They expose themselves to  humility cause they have defeated their pride. There is none in them. So now they live a decent life. They are more free in the world, in reality, cause they are not trying to be anyone but themselves. I also think that every one has their own god, and we all fight for our gods, i might think a lot i know its the worst, these thoughts they are so random, i start from god and they wrap my self around things that are so far away from God. But if God existed and suffering is the goal, suffering is the chaos we need to create a better world each day, Then i have nothing to say, except "what were you thinking", god might reply "nothing", then i might say four letter words to god himself and then he might laugh and i ask, "if suffering and chaos is all there is in this world and then just a glimpse of happiness, after which everything seems to be a disappointment, then what's the point, they god might say "point is the point".