Tevun-Krus #93 - QuantumPunk

Quantum Airlines - A Short Story by @sleepingdraco

Quantum AirlinesBy sleepingdraco

"Have a sip of my martini," said Jasmine's husband. "It will calm your nerves before the flight."

"No, I already have to pee." Jasmine felt agitated. She knew he had ordered the drink because her neurotic fears irritated him.

"Why didn't you go before we got on the plane?" he asked gruffly.

"Would you like pretzels with that, sir?" The attractive stewardess wore a skirt suit and hat reminiscent of the 1950's. She smiled graciously and Jasmine admired her matte red lipstick and perfect teeth. She felt frumpy in comparison.

"No thank you," he replied. "I'm trying to watch my weight." He grinned and patted his middle-age paunch. Jasmine rolled her eyes with embarrassment.

"Would you care for a beverage," the stewardess turned to Jasmine.

"No, thank you," Jasmine replied in a small voice. Her stomach was doing flip-flops on top of her over-distended bladder. The stewardess nodded and pushed her cart up the aisle.

"I thought you would be relieved we weren't taking a regular space shuttle after how sick you got when we flew to Mars." Jasmine's husband threw back his drink.

Jasmine thought back to that awful voyage, the G forces at take-off, the spinning in space, weeks of weightlessness. She had lost twelve pounds on the trip to Mars. That had left Earth 22 years ago and she hadn't been back since. They had raised their children on Mars, and now that they were grown, Jasmine and her husband had time to travel again.

Travel. Why did it have to be so complicated these days? They had to pay an extra fee for the additional suitcase that held both of their c-pap machines since reportedly sleep apeea was worse on Earth.

Jasmine's husband had planned this as a surprise for their anniversary. The prospect of a surprise had delighted Jasmine since her husband rarely planned anything. When he told her to pack a weekend bag and wear something nice, she had expected a fancy dinner and a weekend at Valles Marineris Canyon Resort, her favorite vacation destination on Mars. She hadn't anticipated this.

"Are you sure this is safe?" Jasmine asked her husband for the fourth time.

Annoyed, he shifted in his seat to address her with a frown. "Of course. Look, I thought this airline, with its theatrics of a charming 20th century retro airliner would be fun and put you at ease." The look on Jasmine's face told him it didn't. "Jack and Mary have taken this trip twice."

"What about that fellow whose ear got transposed with his wife's?" asked Jasmine.

"Fake news," he replied, exasperated. "Don't believe everything you read on the quantum internet."

They had argued about this theoretical possibility dozens of times and, like every other recurring argument in their marriage, it would never be resolved. Jasmine looked anxiously down the aisle to the restroom. She unbuckled her seatbelt.

The stewardess rushed over. "I'm sorry ma'am, you need to remain in your seat and move as little as possible during take off and landing."

"You can pee when we get back to Earth," said Jasmine's husband. "I have to go too."

Another downside of travel in later life, one of them always had to go.

"I don't know what the bathroom situation is going to be there," hissed Jasmine.

"We'll find one."

"Easy for you to say, you can go behind any tree." Jasmine crossed her arms and pouted. There was no equality when it came to the length of their respective urethras. Her husband had always been insensitive to that. What an insensitive clod, she thought.

"Takeoff shall begin in 10 seconds," boomed the pilot's voice. "We ask you to sit back in your seat and try not to move while we entangle in 9, 8, 7...."

Jasmine felt panic rise and the pressure on her bladder increase. Her heart raced. Her head throbbed. Quantum physics had always made her uneasy. She couldn't wrap her mind around the basic concepts despite it being a part of so many aspects of modern life. On her final exam in high school she scraped by with a C- and sobbed all the way home about Schrödinger's cat. She had steered clear of science in college.

"...4, 3, 2..."

This was madness! Jasmine thought her bladder would explode and she would vomit at the same time.

"...1. Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to San Diego, California." The passengers clapped and began unbuckling their seatbelts.

"Oh, thank God!" said Jasmine. She sprang up and pushed through the narrow aisle towards the restroom in the back of the plane. Despite the short (instantaneous) trip, people seemed as anxious as ever to disembark. They seemed annoyed as Jasmine pushed against the current.

Finally she hurled herself against the flimsy bathroom door, stepped in, and locked it behind her. She sat down and sighed as she released her bladder. But something was wrong. She felt her urine spray at an odd anglet. Looking down she gasped. Despite the surprise, she felt a sense of satisfaction that she had been right. She'd known this kind of travel was not without risk.

It looked like her husband would be the one having a harder time finding a place to relieve himself from now on.