❝love, Louis.❞ [l.t.]

first

querencia (n.) a place from which one's strength is drawn, where one feels at home. the place where you are your most authentic self.

Dearest Madeline,

I really don't know where to start this letter, or where I'll be going with it. I apologize in advance for how weird or off topic I get, but you know me well enough by now to expect unpredictability from me, yeah? Dr. Napeer, my therapist, said this would help me "work things through". Bullshit. He's telling me absolute bullshit. This, in what I'm referring to, is writing letters to you.

I know it's probably wrong. You're probably sneering right now at the thought of something so cheesy and cliché to do. I know; I did it too. But maybe he's right. I can't tell him, but I haven't worked things through, so to speak. I still think of you, so I know I haven't.

He wants me to move on. He says it's time to find another person to love as much as I loved you. I couldn't help it, Mads, I laughed for two and a half minutes at that. That's the most I've laughed since you left. It's amazing something like that could get so much laughter out of me.

He's wrong there. I can't even fathom the thought of loving another woman as much as I did you. It's impossible. You always liked to tell me that nothing is impossible. "Audrey Hepburn," you would start. "always said that impossible is the only thing impossible. Besides, it has the words I'm and possible in it. So really you're just saying, I'm possible."

You are possible. You're possible to be the only woman I will ever love. Now I know how angry you would be to hear me say that, so that's why I'm writing it instead. Don't be mad. I know you loved it whenever I would tell you something like that. Your upper cheeks would be as pink as the lipstick you were wearing that day.

By the way, I added a definition of a word I saw used in a magazine the other day at the top of the page. Sorry if it's scribbly. But when I laid my eyes on it, I couldn't seem to stop staring at it. It's such an odd word for someone like me to be fascinated by. But I was, and I couldn't stop seeing it in my mind after I had put the magazine down. When I looked up the definition, I had the same cycle of staring and obsessing that took over me when I had first seen the word. But besides just having the word querencia go round 'nd round me head... I thought of you, too.

You're the one where my strength is drawn from. Where I feel at home. Where I am my most authentic self. You're the one where my heart lies and beats. My soul isn't inside my body anymore. It left with you, sparkling in the light your eyes always seemed to carry around me.

I don't want to get too in depth with those thoughts, though. I can't cry in public again. I'm not writing this at home, as you probably understood from the last sentence. You're a smart gal, you know I hate crying in front of people. I guess those feelings will have to wait until I'm in the privacy of our home. Dr. Asswipe told me I needed to start possessing our things as my own, and not both of ours. I do it during our meetings so he thinks I'm processing through the treatment, but it's all just lies. Nothing is just mine. Everything is ours.

I guess this is where I'll end my letter. I don't want to make it too long. The lady at the counter here is giving me glares since I only asked for a black coffee, and I haven't even touched it since she brought it to me. I couldn't sit and write without buying something, they told me. Wankers. This coffee shop doesn't even compare to The Busy Bean. This place is called the Grind. Ew. Who names their shop after a hormonal sex move? Not anyone smart, that is.

God, I need to learn to stop blubbering on and on. It's funny, I thought I wouldn't be able to even get a few logical sentences out onto the paper. Now I'm struggling to fit it all.

I miss you, bubs. I'll write again soon. Maybe you'll get this and want another letter. Who knows. Anything's possible, isn't it?

love, Louis.

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Hi guys! This is my new book and I'm so worried about what you all think of it, since I've never written a Louis book before (even though he's my favorite like c'mon Emma what is that??) but I hope you all enjoy it so far! Please tell me what you think. Thanks for reading and voting! :)