❝love, Louis.❞ [l.t.]

ninth

gigil or gheegle (n.) the urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearably cute.

Dear Madeline,

I'm sitting back at that shitty coffee place, The Grind. The coffee is just as watery and tasteless as I remember. Why did I even think about coming back here? I guess it's really the only other coffee shop I know of besides The Busy Bean. You always questioned me on why I would never give Starbucks a chance. It's too... impersonal, for my liking. You were always open to talking to people and getting to know them, as was I. I remember you liked to talk to the baristas at Starbucks, the few times you dragged me in by my ear, and they would always be short with you. A few "hmm"s and "yeah?"s pretty much were the only responses you got. But you never let that stop you, did you?

That was always so attractive to me. Not attractive in the way that it made me want to pick you up and carry you off to make love to on the bathroom floor, but attractive in the way that made me smile and think about how lucky I was to capture a love like you. Someone that wasn't dragged down by other people's useless pessimism.

Hey, remember our first date? It was the Sunday after the Thursday we talked, and I was already ready for you to walk in through the door in the same majestic manner you did before. Though my heart pounded just as hard, my hand sweat and flatulence stayed under control. Mark mocked me again at how silly I was to get so worked up over nothing much but just a simple date. I just flipped him off and sat at the counter, swiveling back and forth.

Every time the bell above the door rang its little tune I felt my heart turn inside out, but every time I stole a glance towards the fellow or lady walking in, it was never you. I was starting to get nervous, so nervous in fact that I would not stop grabbing Mark's wrist and looking at the time. We had no clocks on the wall, and I was in such a frazzled state that I didn't even assume to check my phone.

"If you grab my wrist one more time your date will end up being a stop at the hospital and not whatever else you planned on doing," Mark muttered to me after I pulled him back to the counter as he made his way over to a customer to give her the sandwich she had ordered.

"Sorry," I said quietly, slinking my hand back to the counter top. The next few minutes consisted of annoying Mark (and I'm sure everyone else in hearing distance) with the tapping of my fingers, the deep breaths, and the small groans and grunts I proceeded to make every time I saw the time slipping away.

Mark suggested that it's possible you wouldn't be coming, since it was already a half and hour into our supposed date time, but I shook my head. No. You didn't seem like the kind of girl who would stand up anyone. Especially someone who may have seemed so desperate to get to know you, as I'm sure you could already see with your womanly senses you've got. You girls can see pretty much anything guys are trying to hide, especially attraction. My sister once figured out I liked a girl before I even did, and she's almost 7 years younger than me.

But finally, after 45 minutes of sweat, excessive heart rates, and worry, I heard the words "I'm so sorry Louis," as the bell chimed one last time. A sigh of relief followed as I whipped around the stool, connecting eye to eye with you.

"You made it," I said happily, like the Captain Obvious I was. I got a smack on the back of my head from Mark after that comment.

"The traffic tonight is horrible, it was so hard getting down here from my loft and I..." You drifted off, taking a moment to breath, and looked at me with some of the most apologetic eyes I'd ever seen. I got off the stool and walked over to you shaking my head, repeating over and over there was no problem. "We may have missed the movie, but I can still take you out to dinner."

You agreed and reached out for my hand. For a moment I paused, not exactly sure how to react, asking myself if I should take it. Of course you ass, grab her hand. And, hand in hand, we left the shop and turned towards the direction further down town. The night life was busy by then, but a nice warm breeze had settled over Donny and I was fine with being outdoors with you. I'd be indoors, outdoors, "updoors" and even "downdoors" with you, wherever direction you led me. You stopped in front of a little white building; a restaurant I'd seen but never been to.

"Bivo, this is an Italian place, yeah?" I asked, looking over to see you paying more attention to the building than to me. Which was fine, since I loved to watch you admire things. You looked at objects and people with such focus that it was almost alarming how alert you were of everything, and how unfocused it made the rest of the world feel. It was exquisite.

We went inside the building and I managed, with a slip of 10 pounds, to get us back in their Secret Garden seating. Just you and I, away from everything, with just the sound of Donny nearby. It was perfect. Once we were seated and ordered I got time to get to know you. You told me Italian was your favorite type of food, your current favorite color was blue (it had changed last week after your walked past a flower cart full of deep blue daisies), and your current favorite favorite show on the telly was the Simpsons. If my life was described with images, I would have had hearts fluttering out of my eyes in that moment. You were so open with me, so honest, so trusting.

I never forgot that. I never will.

I trusted you too, letting you know some things that night that not everyone in my life knew about. You knew about how I had to have a fan on to sleep every night because a silent room was the loudest place to fall asleep in, you knew about the scar above my eyebrow that arose from me falling onto a brick when I was a toddler, you knew... me.

I never have hid anything from you Mads, and never will. You have my heart, you have my love, you have my everything.

I mean, my everything is you.

By the way, the kiss on the cheek after dinner and after walking back to your car was worth it all. Sometimes I regret not turning my head and letting my lips graze yours for that small second, but I wanted to restrain myself. That electrical tension would soon be released, wouldn't it? Hah!

I love you. Missing you more than anything.

love, Louis

WELL HI. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR SINCE I UPDATED THIS BOOK. Like yesterday made it exactly 11 months since I put out something for this thing. THAT'S INSANE.

I have just been soooo busy with school, since it's my last year before university and I'm finishing up my classes and will be done with high school at the end of May. YIKES!

I hope you all can forgive me. I also hope there are still people out there reading it... whoops!

But guess what? I'm back.

Slowly, obviously, but surely. xx