❝love, Louis.❞ [l.t.]

fifth

misanthropy (n.) a generalized dislike, distrust, disgust, contempt, or hared of the human species, human nature, or society.

Dearest Maddie,

Okay, we made it through one letter without completely losing our minds. I was afraid I was going to break down into uncontrollable tears thinking back to that first day, but in fact, I felt giddy. My heart seemed to beat that day, after I had finished the letter and mailed it off to you. I even stuck my fingers into my neck and could feel my veins vibrating with the reverberation of blood flowing deep within them. I felt alive thinking of you, since you are where my soul will forever live.

I'm mad at Dr. Napeer at the current moment, if you would like to know. He yelled at me the other day. Yelled, like he was scolding some goddamn child. He told me that my obsession with my letters is not what he intended to happen, and wanted me to finally share one with me. We bickered for half an hour on the subject, and it got so loud and heated that his secretary had to come in and check up on us. He kept verbally pushing me to do it, to give them up. He was downgrading them to make me angry, to make me think he was right. And then that son of a bitch thought he had a right to mention you. "Madeline would want you to get the proper help if she was here beside you, Louis," He spat at me across his desk. "she would want you to let me help you."

I told him to stop mentioning you before I punched him so hard that I would break at least one thing in his face. He told me hoarding the letters wasn't an option, and I told him very clearly that I had been mailing them to you. He laughed, then, and asked, "And you think she'll actually open them up and read what you have to say? You're a blubbering mess, Louis. She wouldn't want to deal with the crap you give her."

That's when my vision was blurred, my limbs out of control, and I lunged at him. The next thing I remember was seeing my hands fist around the collar of his shirt, his eyes wide as I shook him with all my strength. I kept repeating, "You don't know shit, you don't know shit!"

I remember just gripping the hell out of his shirt, feeling the ends of my fingers dig into my palms as my fists banged against his chest over and over. The look in his eyes showed me he was terrified of me, and I told myself to stop. But I couldn't. I just kept shaking him, hitting him, crying out words as the tears streamed down my face until his secretary came back in. She peeled me off of him, my hands getting rug burn from rubbing against the fabric as I lost my grip. After that we all stood around panting. I could feel the blood pounding in my ears and my heart racing for the first time in weeks. The doctor slummed in his chair and stared at me in shock, his mouth hanging open just to show me how truly I had caught him off guard.

I was surprised as well. I didn't think I had it in me to physically attack him, though I had played the scenario out in my head many times. I guess you're my tipping point with people. Even the most utterly arrogant person in the world couldn't bother me until something about you would slip past their tongue. I can't control myself when something involves you, Madeline. Will I ever be able not to?

I spent a few minutes clenching and unclenching my hands after doc started lecturing me about what I had done. His words just reverberated around my head and drowned out in my brain. I heard him, but I wasn't listening. I was just sitting there with my face twisted up in anger and deep thoughts.

When I got up and saw Dr. Napeer wasn't going to follow me out like usual, I assumed what I had done had majorly changed things. I wasn't going to be allowed to come back, but that wasn't bad.

It was the first time I walked out of his office feeling the desire to smile. But without you here to share it with, I kept my lips pressed together all the way out to my car and back to the house. And now here I am, trying to occupy myself with writing to you. Even though I had wanted to smile, I still am angry beyond belief. It's taking all the power within me not to crush the pencil I'm using.

I guess I need to go out and smoke a few.

Goodbye for now, love. Hopefully the sight of our tulips growing in will lighten my spirits with a few releases of nicotine.

love, Louis.

****

I would have posted this earlier today but I had an intense cleaning mood that I needed to satisfy, and then a headache caused me to lounge around all sprawled out on my floor. But with my birthday being on Tuesday, I thought it would be good to post this once more before I'm 17! :)

That, and my one year wattiversary is coming up on the 8th. So much is happening this week! Ahh! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, even though it was kinda sad. x