❝love, Louis.❞ [l.t.]

eighth

philocaly (n.) - the love of beauty.

Dear Maddie,

Here I am. I'm safe, I'm fine, I'm happy and unharmed. Okay, the third may be a bit of a lie, but you probably already knew that. You could always smell a lie of mine from miles away, even if you couldn't hear my voice and were just reading whatever text I sent you. You always paid so much attention to that; you were always concerned about how I felt. You wanted to be careful with me, and I wanted to do nothing but the same to you.

Anyway. Moving on.

Today I found a picture of you at the bottom of my closet. I was cleaning it out, since you got me in the routine to clean and clear out everything I didn't need once the warm weather came flooding in. And lucky me, the weather has turned a cheek on dear ol' winter and spring.

I've lost some weight since you've been gone. Not a dangerous amount, darling, but enough to make me need to go and buy some new jeans. I just keep knotting up my sweatpants so they don't fall off me legs, but I knew if you were here you would be crossing your fingers they would. You were almost always in a sensual mood, weren't you? Hah.

The bottom of my closet was dreadful. Since you aren't here to bicker me about picking up after myself, I had a bundle of crinkled shirts, trousers I forgot I owned, and underwear I wasn't positive about being clean or not spread out like butter on toast. I was a bit appalled at myself for letting it get that bad. So I picked everything up in one scoop, avoiding slipping on dropping socks, and dumped it all in the laundry room. And don't worry- I remembered to separate everything into lights and darks. Though I do admit, sometimes I still struggle deciding what pile some clothes on the edge of light and dark go into.

Anyway, when I returned from my room after dumping the clothes, I saw a few little things scattered about that had been hiding under the clothes. And of course, in the middle of the floor, sat a picture of you. It stopped me in my tracks. I was so startled to see your face smiling at me, since I haven't seen something that refreshing and lively in months. But there you were, sitting in the first Polaroid I took of you off the camera I gave you for Christmas. You had no makeup on but your cheeks were swept with natural blush, you had a few fly-aways since you had just woken up only about twenty minutes before, and you had a stain where you'd dribbled toothpaste on your shirt. You were messy, tired, grumpy (as every time we were up early), but you were beautiful, mine, and so angelic. I just wanted to kiss you all over your face and never stop. I wanted to braid your hair and drop snowflakes over it to add to it's alluring effect. You were angry with me for taking an unexpected photo, but those were the best kind of photos I had of you. The ones where I didn't see just a smile and sparkling eyes, but the ones where I could see the true you and the flaws you had.

That sounds rude- but it's true. You have flaws, and I do too. Everyone does. They're part of human nature. But it's by accepting those flaws that you find the real beauty in people. Beauty to me wasn't just the curves on your body or the softness of your face, the tint of your skin, the color of your eyes, nothing. Beauty was who you were. The word of the day reminds me of you. I have the love of beauty; I have the love of you.

I cried for a few minutes after looking at that photo. I always cry nowadays. Those ugly cries too, that men aren't supposed to have. I'm just brittle I guess. I've been weak without you here to hold me up. My nose is still kind of running as I write. Well, you actually probably didn't need to know that. I overshare when I'm nervous or sad, but you know that. You always pointed it out to me.

God, I miss you. I can't seem to stop hurting. But looking at you in that photo, seeing you smile... It makes me feel like you're here with me, telling me it will all be okay.

It will be okay, right?

I slipped the photo into my wallet now. I used to have that photo of us after graduation, but I took that out the minute you were gone. I couldn't stand looking at it. Not you and I together in one photo with our cheeks touching.

But it fits in that little pocket just perfectly, I couldn't help slipping it in here. At least I'm making process.

Breathe Louis, breathe.

love, Louis.

****

OMG HELLO.

I can't believe I haven't updated in 22 days, what the hell? I'm an awful writer. I'm so sorry guys.

Life has been really busy with me recently, I'm in the midst of finals time right now, I finish junior year tomorrow, I have a boyfriend (yay!), summer's coming and I have trips and graduation parties and other activities to plan and get ready for... My life is a bundle of craziness.

I hope you all understand. :(

I also hope you enjoyed! Vote, comment, share, my lovies .x