Joey&Chandler

Insecurity and Fear

Chandler Bing is sitting on the sofa at Central Perk. He's sitting there, sitting there on his own, and the most beautiful person he has ever seen is standing a little way behind him, speaking with Gunther in hushed tones. He knows this, but he doesn't turn around. Doesn't want to be caught staring. That - that would be far too awkward.

It was easier when he fell in love with other people, with people outside his tight group of friends. If he lost them, if he was rejected, he was only losing a lover. Someone he didn't really know all that well, someone he could conceivably survive without. He would have brief relationships outside the group every now and then, but they never seemed to get very far, and he was never all that upset when it didn't work out. Upset, of course, but not that upset. Not really.

Now it's different. Now he's finding himself drawn to one of his closest friends, perhaps even his very closest, and he has so much more to lose. If his feelings are discovered, he's not only going to lose a crush. He's not going to lose a lover. He's going to lose a friend, and friendship - for Chandler, at least - runs so much deeper than that. Chandler's five closest friends are the most important people in his life. The only important people in his life, really. He was never really close with his parents. He has trouble forming long-term relationships. His friends are the only people he has.

Chandler feels sometimes - not very often, but sometimes - that his friends represent his sanity, in a way. Each is like an anchor, pinning him to reality. Making sure that he doesn't become lost, trapped in a world that he doesn't understand, confused and alone.

He is afraid of being alone. He won't admit it, but he is. To be falling, and realise that nobody is there to catch you - the prospect terrifies him. He wants - he needs someone who will care about him. That is why his friends are so important to him. That is why he can never admit his feelings. If he loses even one of his anchors, how does he know that the other four will have the strength to keep him sane? What if losing one will push the others further away as well? He doesn't want that to happen, can't let it happen. Even if these feelings are too strong to bear, even if they are killing him slowly from the inside, he's not going to crack. He can't risk losing a friend. He can't.

He doesn't ask the interesting women he meets for dates any more, of course. The group tease him about it, sometimes. When they do, he instantly fears that they suspect him, and pretends to be dating someone until the terror is past. His behaviour confuses them - but then again, they know that Chandler has always been a little... odd.

Sometimes he tries to convince himself that he's not in love. Sometimes he tells himself that he's just confused, that he's somehow managed to blur the line between friendship and infatuation. But he's not convinced. He always was bad at lying to himself.

And sometimes, of course, he allows himself to daydream. What if he admits it, or it slips out somehow, and then he finds that his friend is holding the same feelings for Chandler? And so he allows his mind to run riot, conjuring up ever more elaborate fantasy situations.

But Chandler is a realist, or so he likes to think. He tries, for the most part, to keep his goals modest and attainable. So he will have to be content with his fantasies, because he knows that his affections will never be returned, however much it hurts him to admit it to himself. And the person he loves is so close to him - and yet so far out of his reach.

Joey Tribbiani finishes his conversation with Gunther, looks over at his best friend, and smiles.

fin.