Desdemona

Chapter Nineteen

I sat on my bed, alone for the first time in three days. Chance was out grocery shopping. I told him I was too tired. Which was true, but that wasn't why I wasn't going. I needed to figure out what to do. I just didn't know... Nott. Chance. Mom would be home tomorrow. Nott. Chance. Mom... Nott Chance. NottChanceNottChanceNottChanceNottChanceNottChanceNottChanceNottChance. I felt like my head was going to explode- the enormity of this decision left me shaking. I couldn't really imagine living without either one of them. I loved Chance, so much. I had known him before everything had gotten so complicated and confusing, so painful. He was a link to that life, that Desdemona. I used to think it was a happier era, but I wasn't so sure. Now that I was faced with losing Nott, the thought was unbearable. He was the one who'd stitched me up when I was bleeding, had held me while I'd cried, had loved me when I was alone. He knew me better than anyone in the world. But no matter how happy he made me and how much I loved him, there was a part of me that still longed for the life that used to be mine, free from any serious worries or fears, with a heart that had never been broken and a whole, real family. Chance was a big part of that, and my only remaining link. I could never get my dad back, and I didn't really want to. Chance though, he was amazing, and he was here. Nott was so special, and we shared something that went deeper than... anything. There was nothing like it in the world. I had to admit to myself that I didn't have that with Chance. I sat on my bed, my knees pulled up to my chest, my chin resting on my knees, my arms wrapped around myself. Holding myself together. Barely. My head hurt and I was tired, I was incredibly confused. I didn't know where to go, who to be, who to chose, which path to take, to be happy, sad, angry, to love or hate, hell, I hardly knew my name at this point.