until death | junhao ✔

1

After two weeks of mourning and crying, his parents couldn't let him skip more classes, so he eventually had to go to school.

That morning, not even his raging anxiety could make him care about a single in the world. He found it amusing. He didn't play with the hem of his long-sleeved shirt at all, he didn't glance around nervously while waiting for his friends.

Everyone knew what happened of course. Every person in the building looked at him with pity and sympathy. He understood it well, but he didn't need any of it. He only needed his Jun back, but he couldn't ever have him back.

The lump in his throat grew with every saddened gaze he got. He didn't want to be there.

In the middle of his English class, he finally had enough. He grabbed mindlessly his school backpack which was full of unnecessary stuff he haven't unpacked since all that happened. He winced as he swinged it on his shoulder and ran out of the classroom as fast as he could. The teacher didn't even say anything, and he was glad for that. He missed every concerning and worried look he got from his friends and rushed out of the place. Out of the building, he just ran mindlessly, his heart rate getting higher each minute passing by.

He reached a cliff. Memories of him and Jun hit him again. This was the place they met and went to every time they needed a talk.

He sat down on the edge, his legs hanging back and forth. He looked down. The sea was breathtaking from there. He wondered what would happen if he jumped. But he didn't. He couldn't do it here, as he thought about all those times when they laughed and had a good time here with him. When he finally realized his feelings for him.

He choked out a sob. His vision was blurry and so was his mind. Everything had to remind the younger of him. The school hallways, his friends, this place, heck, even his own room.

Remembering the night they spent together when Jun decided it was a good idea to get drunk and play truth or dare with his best friend. Only the two of them, nothing could go wrong, right?

But when they woke up the next day, he regretted everything. And that was what hurt Minghao the best. Of course, he had feelings for the older, and he treasured those intimate moments with him (after he could remember them), but hearing the older being so apologetic and going even as far to not talk to him for the next days because of the guilt, it broke his heart. But the only thing he could do is keep his own emotions to himself and smile through everything.

He started crying even more, as he looked up at the stars, already visible on the night sky. He didn't even know how long he was out, but he didn't intend on going home anyway.

He missed him. He missed him so much it physically hurt him. He could feel his heart hurt as if a hand was squeezing it. He just wanted to wake up to Jun jumping on him again to wake him up and tell him to go to school and tell him it was only a bad dream and nothing is wrong. Even if just as friends, he would do anything to just be with him again. To feel Jun's arms around him, hugging him and comforting him.

It was too much, he couldn't take it.

Please, I would do anything, just give him back to me – he stared up at the dark sky, tears still pouring from his eyes, not seeming to stop.

Wondering if this kind of pain will ever stop, he couldn't stop himself for blaming himself and trying to calm his mind with thinking about what would've happened if he did things better. If he'd been better. If only he could've done better, if only he didn't agree to that game, if only he paid more attention, if only he spent more time with him, if only...

But his thoughts always took over him, while he could only sit there and stare into the nothingness, stare at the waves of the semi-calm sea and the fading lights of the neighborhood.

Why? Why did this happen?

Stop it. It hurts. – he thought, his theories disturbing his fucked up head. He clutched at his hair with his slim fingers.

The only emotion he could feel that night was pain.