until death | junhao ✔

3

" Do you want to know something really funny? " he asked, sitting on the grass, in front of the grave.

He didn't pay attention to the time, as he knew, even if it was dawn, his father who would come home from his last night shift, wouldn't care enough to check on him anyway. He didn't mind, he wanted to be alone. The only person he would want to spend time with was under the grey stones with his name engraved in them.

" Seungkwan finally confessed to Hansol. " he continued, playing with with the green strands under his palm. They seemed to be dark blue under the night sky.

He knew, the one he talked to couldn't say anything back, and it's not granted that he could even hear it, but it put his racing thoughts under some kind of peace for a minute when he did that. He often talked about their friends to him.

" You know how much those two were pining after each other, so I think it was time already that they cleared up their feelings. I would've gone nuts, if they continue this shit. " he quietly chuckled a little when he remembered how they always talked to him about one another and how perfect they were for each other.

His smile faltered, when he thought about how lovely they were together.

" I can't help but think, if we would have been like that..."

But he knew, the person whose name was craved in the hard material in front of his own eyes, never loved him in the way he did. He would never have loved him in that way, and the only time he ever experienced the kind of affection from the older he wanted, he was under the influence of alcohol.

It left a bitter taste on his tongue. The feeling of rejection was enough to handle, but he could've kept up with it. Although, the feeling of losing him overcame it a long time ago, it still affected him, and he couldn't forget it. The fact that he couldn't ever see him again was more painful though. It was something, he though he will never come over. And maybe he never will.

It was a game of time. With time, he could get better, or at least that was what they all said to him. He didn't believe them. But with time he can also get worse. And time was ticking, he just didn't know how long will it take him to get to either point.

His days weren't getting better. He got little to no sleep, he cried on an almost hourly basis, he got anxiety attacks, didn't get out of bed on the weekend, haven't really answered his texts, didn't eat or drank enough, and he didn't want to go out, unless necessary.

He felt useless amongst his friends and even more useless at home.

His parents' divorce made it even worse than it should be. He was constantly pestered with questions asking him about choosing between his shitty parents, but he honestly didn't want to choose between either of them. Not like he didn't get this weekly in his childhood, but now that it got actually serious, he couldn't see a way out of this situation. So he chose the only option he could think of as an option for himself, and constantly ran away from home. They didn't really care, it was only about the money and of course the reputation. They didn't want to get backlash from abandoning a child.

He always thought to himself a lot. He wondered why he was born. He wondered about life, his purpose, and when he met Junhui, he finally understood it. Maybe he was given a chance to live on this Earth to make someone's life better, to love someone and make them happy at all costs and be happy about them.

When Jun decided to leave this world, and actually did, his purpose of life faded away, and something died deep in his soul.

He thought he could make him happy, he thought what he did was enough. But he knew deep inside better. What he did wasn't enough, and he should've done better. He just wanted to make him feel better about himself and help him through everything he can. He fucked it all up.

" Wherever you are, Junhui, I just hope you are happy. " the salty liquid started flowing from his eyes again. He sobbed into his hands under the moonlight. The painful sounds of his inside battle could be only heard by the trees surrounding the place and the withered flowers on the side of the grave, beside the long not burning candles.