Ashes And Wine

Chapter 4

A few weeks ago in NCT Dorm we had decided to throw a small celebration welcoming Shotaro and Sungchan. We had ordered food and Jeno bought in some Soju for the night. It was supposed to be just good food and Karaoke for the night. 

Chenle, Jisung, Haechan and Sungchan were busy talking amongst themselves, while Jaemin and I were laying out the dishes and brought out the drinks. Jeno and Renjun were nowhere to be seen, so Shotaro volunteered to find them. It had been a busy week and I was really looking forward to getting to know the new Neos. 

Shotaro was just 4 days Older than me, yet he was a total baby. On the other hand Sungchan towered over me. I could barely believe when he told me he was an year younger than me. Jeno and Renjun along with Shotaro soon Joined us. Somewhere admits all of this, haechan proposed to play Never have I Ever. Honestly I Should have known, nothing good comes of a game like that. Jisung and Jeno decided to just take shots of coke arguing they didn't like the aftertaste of soju. Shotaro wasn't big on drinking either but he decided to try Soju.

" Never Have I ever been detained at the airport" Sungchan was elected to start the game. Non of us expected him to start off hard, all the Dreamies took a shot. And Sungchan proceeded to tell Shotaro, that was how the game was meant to be played. Haechan went next, " Never have I ever had my voice crack when I was singing", I expected Renjun to be annoyed and almost throw the lamp next to him towards Haechan, while the others roared with laughter. But he calmly smiled and took a shot.

 A while later it was no less chaotic I had about roughly four shots. Jeno, Haechan And Jisung were arguing about how Jisung loved skinship when he was drunk. Sungchan, chenle and Shotaro were giggling listening to their argument. Jaemin on the other hand sat in the corner, almost tired, overlooking the loud boys. Renjun was nowhere to be seen.

I decided to check on him, and made my way towards the room he shared with Jisung. I slowly opened the door when I heard no response to the knock. Seeing a faint silhouette of a person on the lower bunk, I carefully tiptoed, wondering if he was asleep.

"I hate the light, could you please close the door" he asked in a faint voice. I quickly closed the door and turned around, trying to get adjusted to the darkness around.

"I just wanted to check on you, are you alright?" I whispered. Finally managing to sit on the edge of the bed on which Renjun was laying. He sighed, almost inaudible. He didn't have to speak, most of us had burdens that was hard to speak out. That was not a unfamiliar territory. He shuffled around and sat upright. I could almost feel his breath on me.

"You don't need to talk about it. Let me just stay here until you feel a little better", I could see a little smile form on his face.

"I am a little sad. It is hard. I am struggling to keep up with everything. But this is my problem. You should go back you don't need to be here instead of having fun with the others. You don't need to listen to me whining here instead. I will be alright by morning" I could hear the sadness in his voice.

"There are times when you don't have a reason for your sadness, you can be tired of everything and nothing at once. You may be better next morning. But right now you are sad and that is okay, let me be here even for a bit" The world that I experienced and the one that Renjun did are similar, but not the same. I didn't fathom the magnitude of his sadness and emptiness. I didn't know how to help. I leaned towards him in the dark and wrapped my hands around his neck. He slowly wrapped his around waist. I could hear his heartbeat mumble, he was warm. A single tear slid down his face as I heard his muffled cries. We sat their until he let it all out. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to scream but it was all reduced to muffled cries.

I wonder how much time it takes to lose a person to language.

He pulled back slowly and tried to steady his breathing. "This is so embarrassing, I am sorry you had to witness that" he said with his head down.

"Do you feel any better?" I asked. He slowly nodded. Silence engulfed the room again. He slowly cupped my face in his hands, gazing at me softly. I don't know if it was the alcohol in my system that made my hands sweaty or his gaze. I could hear the boys laughing from the hall. He slowly pulled me closer to him and wrapped his left hand on my waist. At that moment I didn't dare to think if I wanted this. If this was something we both would not regret in the morning. I just wanted to know how it felt. He gently Pressed his lips, on mine. My cheeks turned crimsoned. It was soft, I could taste soju and a hint of Mint. He stopped for a moment and  looked at me, when I didn't respond he leaned in again and this time it was more intense. I leaned in closer and gently moved my lips in sync with his. Warmth exploded my chest, as he pulled me on his lap.

The room unexpectedly exploded with light accompanied by an awkward cough. My heart sank at the realization and I quickly get off Renjun and face the door in embarrassment. Haechan stood their awkwardly closing the door behind him.

"I just wanted to check on you guys. You were gone for a long time". Renjun apologized and informed that we would be out in a bit. Haechan nodded and left, the darkness engulfed us again. We sat in awkward silence, before Renjun decided to speak up.

"I am sorry, for a moment there I was carried away, I didn't think what I was doing" I didn't know what to say. I did consent to the kiss but I didn't think about the aftermath. I was not sure what to make of this either.

"You can be angry at me, I take full responsibility. Just say something"

"Renjun do you like me?", he was clearly taken aback with my question. I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want misunderstandings between us either. 

"Honestly, I am not sure" he said barely audible. 

"I am not either. I don't know what to make of this. I am in this as much as you are" he slowly looked up at me, but I could not hold his gaze. At that moment I wanted to explode, be anywhere but here. I feared we might have ruined the friendship. 

"It was an accident. Let's leave it at that. I don't want this to effect our friendship", I didn't the know the feeling exploding in my chest but I nodded. He stood up and walked towards me and hugged me. 

"Thank you for staying". 

And I stayed for a while, after Renjun walked out. I had to collect myself before I went out and joined the boys. As I took a deep breath and walked out of the room, I saw Renjun between Jeno and now passed out Sungchan. He eyed me as I walked in and grabbed a bottle of water. I gulped down enough water to quench my thirst and turned towards the crowd and stated I was going to bed. 

That was nearly a week ago. Renjun and I almost immediately went back to being friends, no trace of the night lingered around us. Although Haechan did occasionally tease us when no one was around. When we wrapped up the vlive I whisper Haechan a little thank you. He gave me a knowing smile and started attacking Renjun with hugs. Renjun looks annoyed, but happy. Just for a moment our eyes meet. 

I understand how he feels. He understands how I feel. But out loud those feelings turn into lies, we choose paint with silence.