Love Is A Battlefield (Alan Wilder x Martin Gore)

13: If You Want My Love

One month later, December 19th, Berlin, Germany, 4:09pm, the park:

Icicles adorned the branches of the trees, a glacial breeze blew in the air and flakes of snow gracefully fell from the sky. Berlin's winter season had undeniably commenced, but Poppi and Esme were kept warm by each other's company. They played in the snowbank, creating snow angels, building snowmen and catching snowflakes on their tongues.

On a neighbouring bench sat Martin and Dave, moreover taking in the remarkable vision of white and supervising the children.

"In a way, it'll be a shame to fly home tomorrow morning. I'll miss it here." Martin surfaced a conversation. "But I can't wait to spend Christmas at home."

Dave plainly nodded and toyed with the scarf around his neck. In truth, he didn't feel a fraction of holiday spirit, although he knew that Christmas Day was less than a week away. The closer it came, the more he dreaded it; this Christmas would be the loneliest yet, he thought. He didn't feel prepared for the new year and all of the changes it would bring with it to arrive.

"We're a little quiet today, Dave?" His bandmate spoke again.

"Sorry." Dave sighed, pulling smaller pieces of snow out of his hair.

"No need to be sorry, I'm just wondering if you're alright because it's unlike you to not be chatting my ear off."

"I will be alright. I'm just thinking about things."

"What kind of things? I mean, you don't have to tell me, but I can try my best to help."

Dave took a deep breath before speaking.

"I think I'm going to get rid of it,"

"I'm sorry?"

"The baby. I don't think I can keep it."

"Well, they're a human being, you shouldn't refer to them like they're an object."

"Right, sorry." Dave looked down, without expression.

A brief silence followed.

"You know... It's your body. Whether you want to be pregnant or not is for only you to choose; it's no one else's decision to make."

"I know that."

"But..." Martin spoke at a slow pace. "What is it that's making you want to... To get rid of your pregnancy?"

Dave continued to look down before he relaxed his hands onto his lap and tipped his head back.

"... I can't really put my finger on it." He mumbled. "I just don't... I just don't believe in myself. I can't be a parent. It's not what was supposed to happen, so I can't let it happen. It was never supposed to be like this."

Dave looked as though he were about to cry, for tears were welling in his eyes.

"I used to believe I wasn't either, Dave. In fact, when I was younger I seriously doubted that I'd ever want to have a child... Or that I'd even find the right person to have one with to begin with." Martin looked at Dave as he spoke to him, but Dave struggled to make eye contact back, simply brushing his hair behind his ear. "But, in a matter of years, I did find someone. Someone who I knew really did, and still does, love me. And, eventually, along came Poppi and Esme. Poppi we had no plan for, especially only three years into a relationship, but we knew we needed her. And we knew we needed her sister, too."

Dave looked up and sniffled.

"It's alright for you, you know, you're married, you've got two lovely little daughters and a happy home, and that's what you deserve. Me... It's a different story altogether. I live alone, haven't really ever been able to maintain a relationship and this- this child's other parent-" He hesitated. "Truthfully, I don't even remember who they are. I just know that we were really drunk and I ended up at his house."