serenity | h.s | ON HOLD

eleven.

Sarita.

Harry Styles.

He has single handedly taken over every aspect of my brain, made his way through my friend group, made himself right at home here in Williams, and he's even made his own residency in my head. It has been so long since I've felt this way about anyone, and to be honest it was confusing me even more as time went by.

I caught myself admiring every part of him, from the top of his head to the very bottom of his feet. His hair has gotten slightly longer since the first time we met, the espresso curls sitting messily on top of his head. There'd be moments when we were all together as a group and I'd take notice of a loose curl in front of his face and feel the sudden urge to reach my hand over and twist it around my finger. Obviously I never did, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to. He made it so hard not to, especially when we'd lock eyes for a moment in between conversation and he'd smile over at me. Sage. His eyes were the prettiest I have ever looked into. Then his smile, the way the corners of his mouth turned up and brought out his dimples, the way his eyes would too follow suit in the same way, god he was so beautiful.

Fuck. I really was a goner.

The thing that terrified me the most amidst all of this, was that I can just sense that Harry feels the same way about me. I've known it from the very beginning. He didn't even have to verbally say anything, his body language said it all.

You're probably thinking, "Why does that scare you then? Isn't that a good thing?" Well, to others yes, it would be very exciting that the guy you're attracted to feels the same way. However for me, it was actually unfortunate.

I'm no good for Harry.

I mean come on, who would even want to date someone who has years of trauma attached to them? Sure, I was able to make friendships and love the people in my life without any boundaries, but when it came to actual relationships, that's where my mind goes weary.

The problem with me is that I put way too much into relationships, even when the person that I'm dating isn't reciprocating the same energy or love. I never seemed to have learned my lesson.

That was until Alida.

Alida was my first official girlfriend. Though I'd have two other relationships before her, she was the one I was the most serious with. We'd fallen for each other pretty quickly into our relationship, which at the time seemed ideal. Nothing was stopping us, we felt on top of the world.

Then I went and messed it all up by refusing to let anyone in to help quiet my demons. I found myself being incredibly irritable, always snapping at anyone at any minor inconvenience throughout my day. Anytime anyone would try to get me to sit down and talk through whatever it was that was bothering me, I would go completely silent. The only person I would talk to was my mom, and even then, she barely got anything out of me. I'd barely communicate with anyone until I was ready to move on and pretend like nothing was wrong.

Alida really hated that.

As she should have, honestly. It wasn't healthy for our relationship, it wasn't even healthy for me. She would practically beg for me to start seeing a therapist to get my shit together, but I was positive I could fix myself.

Spoiler alert; I wasn't able to fix myself.

She was the one who initiated our breakup, saying that if we were meant to be, we'd find our way back to each other, but I needed to work on myself first before we even attempted to date. Let it be known, that was the moment I realized how messy my mind really was. I never thought she was going to break up with me, I'd thought she would stick by me and at least be comfortable waiting to see me heal on my own... but it wasn't her fight, it was mine. There was no way I was going to fix the broken parts of me until I got help.