Loss

Our tune lead to this

Things I wish I said to you Odasaku, and I'm sorry I never did...

Page: 192

Although I expected differently, I definitely didn't expect this. Maybe i am just as bad as Fyodor. I am a murderer and guess who was the one who got the blame? Fyodor. Because he was the crazy one here who broke out.

In the end, we knew we had some sort of liking for eachother. But at the end of the day - all that was left was hatred. There was no way it could ever work. And there was no way we would be happy. When you hate yourself and meet someone almost exactly like you - there's no way that would end well.

Our tune had a long melody that took a toll on us and acted as it's own. There was no going back and after that.... Fyodor was still right. I never changed. Should I be one to believe this? At this point, I feel like there is no point of redemption.

Even though I was able to bring Oda back, he hated me. Ango hated me. Atsushi hated me. Chuuya hated me. They all hated me because they saw how ruthless I was despite this all happening differently before - when I was at the agency.

And yet I still can't believe it was never good enough. I must be ashamed of myself, I'm just as horrible and yet I never got my redemption because of how selfish I am. Everyone was right - j never changed.

And for some, I never will.

Is it my fault this all ended up like this?

Haha. It's pretty ironic, Fyodor must've felt like this too. When he killed them all, he blamed me. Now that I've killed him... I blamed him. And we both knew it and... Well now, I finally feel like I'm losing it.

There was no point in talking to someone. I can't change. Otherwise it would be so much easier. I must be incurable.

I've always wanted to have a happy and good life.

I'm so unfortunate.

Everyone else have either happy lives or lives that help them get by. I have nothing anymore. Everything is gone. And everything will leave - Mori taught me that after all.

Perhaps that's another thing I can relate to with Fyodor - a melody like this is nothingness to me, you can't even change it to something happier. It's a tragedy.

I'm suffering the consequences just like he did. Because now I got his blood stained on my hands, I can't get it off. I have this stain where the more I scrub it - the more I feel it grow. My guilt it growing.

There's really no point, is it?

No one in this world would ever forgive me again. I truly lost hope.

Even when Oda tried explaining, that's when I knew that Fyodor's blood had poisoned my flesh. I needed it washed off and healed. But nothing would work! From redemption, to pain, to loss. It was all a disease that soaked my flesh and is eating out my brain every second I dare to think back to it. If I ever dared to try and fix it, the disease bites angrily: 'Dazai, why did you do it?'

'Dazai, why are you a monster?'

'Dazai, why are you a hypocrite?'

'Dazai, why can't you change?'

'Dazai, do you even think your redemption is enough???'

Of course not! I'm downright awful and I can never change it. It's itching everywhere and my disease is starting to bite and scratch me all over. All of that guilt is pouring on me like a match to a gasoline with a single flame. Do I ever have a chance to live freely and happily ever again?

Or is that because I am such a bad person, that I have to suffer this?

Maybe I'll never be able to read Odasaku's novels like I said I would.

Because I have both a cure and a good punishment for me.

Goodbye, hopefully, I can be happy.. And let this horrible tune end.

- Dazai Osamu, 19th June - 11th November