I STILL LOVE YOU, BUT...

CHAPTER 16

IRIS

Colin is cheating on me.

Inside me, everything catapults and twists, my biggest fears tunnelling into one slow and silent scream of agony.

My lover, the man I have left my husband for, has betrayed me.

I sit on the couch and stare blindly into the dark.

The apartment breathes around me, the steady hum of the radiator a faint throb. The whole room is in shadow, a blur of shades. I see myself, my phantom self, reflected in the television screen.

What would I do if I were on that screen, a character in one of those films? I would leave the house to follow him, stalk him, like one of those women who have been cheated on. Or, I would summon a friend to listen to me cry --- but then, I think, I have no friends. I only have Colin, and now, I'm not sure if I even have him any longer. He is slipping through my fingers with every passing second, every tick of the clock, even as I sit here, dazed, lost, in a puddle of robe, wondering what to do, where next to turn.

I shouldn't be sitting here, and yet, here I am, utterly, literally locked in, doors closed, windows shut, while I shy and shrink from the light, while the man I love is cheating on me in his office, and no one notices, no one knows. Except me. Me. Alone. Unwanted. Unloved. Betrayed. Discarded.

I watch the clock on the mantel. Nearly twelve. He's still not back yet. What's he doing? Fucking her now? On his desk? In a hotel room? Like the way he did with me, all those long after-hours, while his loyal, trusting wife waited at home for him?

But I'm not his stupid ex-wife.

I know what he's up to. I saw it with my own eyes.

His hand was on her thigh. His hand was on her thigh.

The fury barrels through me, a red-hot wave with fanged teeth. It lashes my gut, and I fold over, clutching my belly.

Breathe, I tell myself. Breathe. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are confident. No mealy-mouthed, silly little simpering brat is going to destroy what you've fought so hard to get.

I can think my way through this. Concentrate. Think. Focus.

I saw what I saw. No matter what excuse Colin comes up with, no matter what he says, he cheated on me.

His hand was on her thigh.

Did he kiss her? I'm not sure.

It doesn't matter; the moment he touched her, he cheated. It's as simple as that.

I hear the door open.

Colin's back.

I dislodge myself from the couch, pad to the hallway.

There he is, standing in the doorway, washed in dim lamplight.

I'm tense, waiting for him to look up, look back at me. My robe has come loose. Come undone. I've come undone. That was a book, I believe. It was in Ed's library, propped up among his other books on the shelf. I never read it.

God, my mind is swirling. I grasp my skull with both hands, squeeze. Think.

Do I confront him? Do I tell him that I saw him and her? If I do, where would we go from here? Would he leave me? What would I do then?

Then, like a jack-in-the-box, it springs at me, with such a pop that I step back.

He can't leave me. I won't let him. I've gone too far now. I can't turn back.