I STILL LOVE YOU, BUT...

CHAPTER 32

AMANDA

I step out of the elevator and out through the entrance, feeling irritable, confused, and underneath it all, sad.

"Amanda."

I know that voice, resonating low across the grass; it calls out to my heart and my soul, fills it to the brim with its depth and its timbre, the love and the devotion in it.

I turn, and there he is.

Tristan.

He is waiting for me, and the angle of his face as he stares at me, the way the sunlight softens the hard panes, highlight the bones, made me stop mid-step. His eyes are rare, perfect, matched gray stones in his face; they are the colour of love, and tenderness, and they are looking at me with understanding and warmth and comfort, and offer solace.

My heel catches, and I stumble, but he is with me in an instant, catching me steadily, safely in his strong arms.

"Darling, are you hurt? Can you walk?"

"Yes, I can walk." And yes, I hurt.

"You look distressed."

"I've distressed myself. Seeing him again --- like that --- so frail, so changed --- upset me," I whisper.

The darkness in me again, the betrayal, the pain caused by his infidelity, are all tangled in my heart. I saw him and I remembered the devastation he wrought in that naive, trusting Amanda, and I relived all the grief, the anguish, the painful memories again.

That part of my life is over. I have to acknowledge it. But it is hard to let go of the memories.

Colin, I think, you betrayed me. And then you tried to win me back, but I can't forgive you. I hate you for lying. For betraying me. I hate you for breaking my heart, my trust, my innocence. I am thankful you are alive, but I hate you for making me feel what I am feeling now.

"Hold me," I whisper to Tristan. "I need you to hold me."

I hold up my face to his, my heart and my soul in my eyes. I need you, now, Tristan.

He hold me tightly. I feel his breaths as if they are my own.

The sun has risen, unmarked by clouds. Its light streams down strongly through the branches of trees. The scent of damp earth is strong in the air, and I breathe it inside my lungs like some kind of perfume; it mingles with the strong sunlight and the wildflowers upon the ground. I will remember this moment forever, I think.

There is in my heart a great sadness like an ache. My loss, atop Colin's physical impairment, and others. Too much. Too much loss.

Tristan kisses my hair, and there is only tenderness, which I feel like something warm all about me.

"Amanda, my darling, my sweet --- "

Tears course down my face. I am crying now, openly, hard.

"It's okay, darling. You're going to be okay." He strokes the back of my head, up and down, up and down, and I lean my head tiredly against his chest, like a bewildered child.

Everything changes, and nothing stays the same.

Who was he, that pale, pallid man lying in that bed with anguished, remorseful eyes? Had I ever really loved him? It seemed like another girl, another Amanda, another time, another world. There had been an Amanda who had idolised him blindly, worshipped him, and there is a new Amanda now, who has been betrayed.

The shock of it still vibrates through me, like a fingertip against a violin's tautest string. I remember this feeling, of glass breaking. I had felt it that afternoon Colin confessed to me his infidelity. The Amanda in me broke, and another stepped out of the broken shards.