Spurt Of Love ʜ.s ғᴀɴғɪᴄ

•it's crazy, I can't stop thinking about you•

It's been a week since I last saw my friend and saw...him. Just the way his plump lips rolled to say "sorry" itself was enough to gift me a couple of sleepless nights. Let along the way his deep voice complimented his beautiful features just added the fuel to it.

I hadn't been able to concentrate on Sarah after my interaction with him. I wanted to. I tried several times to snap myself out of trance or whatever that was. I was feeling bad and ashamed of myself when I couldn't even concentrate on what she was saying. Everything was just fading away from me as if I'm loosing the thread of reality I had been holding onto for a long time.

After several "huh?" "what was that?" "come again love" and a seemingly thousand apologizes, Sarah finally gave up on me and suggest me to go home and get rested. Rest was the last thing I was getting that day or any other day after.

Have I been here before? Has anyone ever made me feel this way? Am I letting myself down again for this pitch black hole of nothingness? I can't. I can't allow myself. I shouldn't! Yet here I am staring at my dorm's ceiling and thinking about him. How his top lip had a beautiful arch to it making a perfect little cupid's bow and how the lower lip was a bit plumper giving the perfect little ooze for me to reach and kiss them.

No God please! Stop! Stop this Jane! It's not what you want! You don't even know his name!

But why do I feel like I wanna know his name? Why am I having this sudden urge to stare deep in his eyes again just for one little moment to feel the universe he carried in them. Oh his eyes. Those green galaxies that hold enough twinkle to light up my whole world. Can they? Should I allow myself to stand over the verge of destruction again?

I mean i could've gone in for a one night stand but i did that a few months ago and let's just say it was the worst night of my life. The guy didn't even enter me and i started crying which freaked him out and he left skipping on one foot as his boxer dangled from one leg. He just skipped his way out holding his pants without saying a word and left me to deal with myself on my own as a flood of memories rushed back to me.

But in this case, my mind keeps running back to the moment i felt safe. Even if it was for a split second I wanna feel that comfort I felt when I looked him in the eye. Was it comfort? Or am I just delusional and miss loving someone? That feeling when you know you're safe around someone and you could do anything and they'll be there for you. I saw that in his eyes. I felt that around him.

My alarm suddenly rang. It's uncomfortable buzz made me snap out of my thoughts. Time to face the reality Jane. This is the real world. There is no such thing as love. It's just time pass. Everything is just a time pass. Stop relapsing back to the same old thought. That same fucking thought caused so much trouble for you. Had that not been enough for you to get that world isn't all bunnies and flowers?

As I try to school myself I get the chills by just thinking back to that horrible time. It's funny how experiences make a little bitchy bossy professor in your mind that tries to school you. Not going to lie, works for me. That same bitchy boss professor has helped me refrain myself from all the trouble possible.

As I drag myself to my dorm's bathroom, I hop in the shower expecting the cold water would just shut my mind off, even for a moment. I just want to stop having this fight within myself.

I get dressed, put on some makeup, hiding away all the evidence of my sleep less nights and in attempt to look as fresh as possible and I'm not gonna lie I did a pretty good job with it. I've always been good with makeup especially after what I'd gone through. Makeup was the only way to hide away my pain. Just the process of concentrating over something gives you a little time out of war against your own demons. Well, for me it's either makeup or drawing.

I started drawing when I was in hospital. I asked a local nurse to hand me some A4 pages and a pencil to draw. She was definitely hesitant at first but after a couple of days of constant begging to find me some stupid papers and a fucking pencil, she finally gave in and handed me the stuff. Since then, let's say I found myself a lovely little hobby.

My school was close by actually. Only takes me about 15 minutes maximum to reach there on time. I enter my class and look for my friend Hazel who spots me first and waves at me. I wave back and reach for the vacant seat next to her. I really prefer not talking to anyone except her in the class. Less the involvement, less the drama I say. The friend circle I have is enough for me. Really! They get me through life.

"Wow you look like shit", Hazel says with a worried look on her face.

"Well good morning to you too love" I say back with a smirk.

"Okay come on what happened? where have you been for-like-ever" Hazel says just evidently that she knows something's clearly up with me.

"Nothing! I'm fine I just....I just haven't been feeling good lately. I guess it's the flu or something" I say trying not to look her in the eye.

"Okay miss Janelle. I've been your friend for about 2 fucking years now! I know something's definitely up! You're literally trying to fool a wall. So I suggest you to just save your fucking breath for now and meet me after classes. Okay? Tell me what's up or we do it the hard way" she says with a stern look on his face.

I look back with a seemingly scared and mockingly astonished look on my face this whole time and say , "Jeez! okay! fine! just.....chill" waving my hands at her.

"You know it's only when I loose my chill you loose your little bitch in you" she says with a smirk.

I try to pretend as if I'm asleep and she pushes her elbow in my breast.
"owww! that hurt!" I exclaim even though it didn't hurt that much. Hazel starts to giggle and I join her. We kept joking around for a while until the teacher came in. I only had 2 classes today so we had plenty of time to talk after classes. That's the thing about friends. Even in a hard time they intend to stay beside you and help you as much as they can. Or atleast they try which makes me feel like someone thinks i matter.

I reach for the nearest booth in cafe that apparently is "our place". Hazel sits right next to me and puts her hands on the table matching the way I was sitting.

She tilts her head towards me asks "go ahead let's hear it"

"where should I start Hazel alot has been going on lately and it's literally just all in my head. Physically I'm completely fine but mentally I'm just distracted and I really don't know what to do. Can't even sleep at night and I just-"

Just when I look up to see around my surroundings I spot a similar face. That same face that's been causing "trouble". The same face I'd been wanting to kiss and the same face that can't leave my fucking mind since the last time I saw it.

"shit" I say with a gaped mouth while hazel watches me with a worried look on her face. I'm sure I look as if I've just seen a ghost or something. The only problem is, it's not a ghost it's worse than that!

X

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