I'll Be Fine | The Ambys 2021

I

"Isn't that the stick girl?"

"Hush. She might hear. Jo-king," Addison says the latter in a sing song voice.

"I heard she killed her mother, stupid girl,"

"She's so ugly and slutty!"

"She's too thin, what does she eat?"

"Probably sticks. Sonia told me she fucked her ex-boyfriend, such a bitch!"

These are the murmurs I listen to everyday. Are they even murmuring? It doesn't make any difference anymore, nobody wants me, not even my dad. I think I'm used to it now, their judgmental voices are engraved deep in my heart, escalating the big round scar every time they bring me down, one more time.

It's no use crying over spilt milk anyway, my life is in shambles already, has always been in shambles.

I hug my backpack tighter to my chest, it's the only thing that wants me. I chuckle sadly. Or maybe because it has no choice or life, because if it does, it will never want to be seen with me. Like the others too. I'm the plague. I'm the virus. I'm the curse. I'm the murderer. I'm the loser. I'm every bad thing to ever exist. What more?

I hear two girls snicker to themselves, it's obvious they are talking about me, about my miserable life.

"Hey sticklotte," I know that voice, even in my sleep. The voice that has always torment me, both day and night. Leslie. My living nigtmare. She's the cheerleading captain. A cheerleader. A bully-leader. I despise her with every fibre of being in me. She always has some type of way to bring me down, to make me feel more miserable and helpless. I clearly remember the first day I met her.

I had been crying for my mama that day, wondering why she left her princess alone in this world when a girl of my age sat down on the empty space next to me. She was dressed in a gorgeous sparkly princess dress, her shoes were so cute, I wanted it. I envied her. She probably has a better life, a rich dad, a family, most especially, a mom.

She stared down at me in disgust and scooted away from me. I wanted to make friends with her, so I decided to say hi.

"Hi," I said cheekily.

She made a puking sound, I thought something was wrong with her so I patted her back. Almost immediately, she pushed me away.

"Don't you dare touch me again you loser!" she yelled.

"That's a bad word," I retorted.

"You know what? I'm gonna tell daddy, and don't ever come to this park again you ugly pumpkin."

"Charlotte. It's Charlotte. That is my name." I said in reference to the hurtful nickname.

"I don't care what your name is. Oh wait! Your name is as ugly as you, ugh, look at you, you look like a stick. Sticklotte befits you, it has a nice ring to it. Yes! Sticklotte it is."

"No wonder your dad hates you, I mean who would wanna keep a loser?"

At that moment, I didn't understand my offence. That was the first time I was seeing her, I never had any friends to play with and I wanted to be hers, but then, I got insulted in return.

She walked past me with her shoulder hitting mine deliberately. She did a dramatic pause for a few seconds and spun back "I can't believe I'm going to be related to you, don't wanna catch your loser germs. You know what I'm saying huh?" She taunted me.

I didn't understand why she hated me on first glance, I never stole her candies nor her toys. What could be wrong? I was too shocked, I wasn't even aware I was crying.

What did she mean by 'related'?  What was going on? Was my dad going to take in another wife? Was she my sister?

There were too many questions, my little mind was confused.

That night I wept bitterly. I wanted my mama. I wanted to be loved by somebody. Anybody.

I didn't understand what I did wrong then, but now I do. My offence is breathing. Existing.

And it's tiring.

"Hi Leslie, what do you need?" I ask. She is always in need of something.

"Why didn't you carry my backpack to school?" She yells. Yes, our dad makes me carry her backpack, it's like I'm their personal slave. I hate hearing her voice. And on cue, her voice fuels the headache that started this morning, again. I really need to visit the nurse's office. I've been having reoccurring headaches all week, at first I thought it was a few hours thing not until five days later, it's still there. I can't take it anymore, it feels like someone is continuously pounding stuff in my head.

"I was go-" my words got cut short. Black dots clouds my vision, and everything goes black.