How to Love Backwards

three | quinton

Mom and dad left early this morning. Something about some business trip they need to make for work and that they don't know when they'd be back and I didn't ask. They do this so often that I stopped asking a long time ago.

I've been laying in bed for the past hour, the image of my white ceiling is engraved into my mind because of it and also because I sent a text to Anna telling her I'm sick. More specifically, I'm currently throwing up my organs in the toilet.

Liar, liar. Pants on fire. My brain chants and the louder it gets, the more it feeds on my guilt like blood-sucking vampires.

But why did I lie? Good question. I don't even know. I just wanted a break. From what? Again, good question.

"Oh, Quinnie!" Brody my brother's voice cuts in, his head peeking through my doorway that is slightly cracked open as he calls my name in a way that lets me know he's about to complicate my life even more.

"No." I instantly said, "Absolutely not. Now get out."

"Oh, come on. You don't even know what I was going to say."

"I don't need to to know it's a stupid idea."

"But, but, but, Quinnie," he pouts.

I groan and turn over face down on the mattress, narrowing my eyes in an attempt to look as scrutinizing as possible even though he can't even see me. "What do you want?"

"What's up your butthole?" Brody asks.

"Nothing," I grunt, pulling the duvet further over my head in hopes to block out his annoying voice.

"Maybe that's the problem here."

I pick up the nearest pillow and throw it as hard as I can at my devil of a brother's face, "get out!"

"All I was suggesting was that I know what might lift your spirits."

"You do realize I have a girlfriend, right?"

"Not that. A party!" Brody says excitedly and I roll my eyes.

"You have fun with that," I snort. "Let me know how it goes. Shut the door on your way out, thanks."

Less than a moment later, Brody whips the duvet off of me, the warmth and comfort instantly replaced with goosebumps and pure irritation.

"Come on, mom and dad will be gone for who knows long. If we want to go by the last business trip they went on we probably won't see them for a month."

I grunt in response.

"Don't be a buzzkill. I'm trying to save you from your boring life." When I don't respond he lets out a long, loud sigh. "Well, I was thinking that we could hold a party in a couple of days, invite the school, and maybe... you can get laid by a certain brunett-"

"Okay, I've heard enough now get out."

"Hey! That's so rude, interrupting me as I speak. Where are your manners, little brother!" He says, his voice laced with his signature mockery tone. Now he's holding his face delicately, a very exaggerated pout overtaking his features. "Now what is there to be so angry about? I just said you could invite your little girlfriend. What's her name again? Alyssa? Annie? Amber?"

"Anna." I sigh. "The girlfriend I've had since fourth grade whose name you always seem to forget."

"Well, I don't know. How am I supposed to remember her name when you never bring her home?"

"She was here just the other day," I argue.

"That was over four months ago and that was because dad accused you of making her up so you randomly invited her to an awkward family dinner."

Yikes. Has it really been that long?

"I didn't make her up. I'm not. She's very real."

"Is she though?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" The anger in my tone surprises me. Why am I getting so defensive?

Brody puts his hands in the air, a silent surrender. "Nothing, just forget I said anything."

A moment of silence passes and I desperately scramble to fill it.

"And you know as well as anybody that we are as good as dead if mom and dad find out about any sort of partying going on. Remember that time you thought it would be a good idea to throw a little gathering?"

"Trial and error," he shrugs. "In my defense, I didn't think that many people would come."

"You call breaking mom fine china and recking dads work shed trial and error?"

"Again, in my defense, it wasn't my fault that people were rummaging through our shit. I left a note that specifically said not to touch anything."

I roll my eyes and roll over on my stomach. "And for the record, I like my boring life. Thank you very much."

"Yeah well, I don't. So get ready little brother because tonight your life will no longer be boring!" He says, removing himself from my sight as his maniacal laughter fades away.

Great another thing to add to my ever-growing headache.

Now I just need to figure out who'll kill me first, my parents, Anna if she ever finds out, or my stupid heart.

I'm starting to wish I was really sick because then I would have an excuse to possibly miss my brother's random party and so this guilt would leave.

Despite that, not only did I manage to lie to my parents about being sick (not that they needed much convincing they just didn't care enough to call me out on my bluff), but I also lied to my girlfriend. Maybe I am sick because this is not something I normally do but like I said before I'm a coward.

So yeah, I lie.

I lie and although I am a terrible liar in person, it is a lot easier over text, where my emotions aren't there to be read like an open book. Now, what was it I lied about? A cold, so terrible that it's kept me up all night and I'm hurling my guts on the bathroom floor and can't even make it to the toilet in time.

I lie to avoid going to school because I think I have a terrible problem and if I go there I will have to come face to face with that problem and that will only confirm the fact that there is in fact a problem.

And that is something I am not willing to face, not when there are so many to disappoint.

The sound of my phone notification pulls me out of my thoughts, a text from Anna. Make sure you stay hydrated.

A smile pulls against my lips as well as a tinge of guilt still lingering in my chest, ever so constant like the air we breathe.

I open the text and respond. Thanks, sweetheart, make sure you do too. I pause there for a moment before adding, I'm sorry for not being able to give you a ride, the next time I see you it will be with a pound of peach rings.

I hope she found another ride so she wasn't walking in this huge rainstorm that is flooding my street right now. An unlimited supply of her favorite candy won't make up for that.

I throw my phone down and force myself up from the comfort of my covers because I need a distraction away from these thoughts or else this largely unknown guilt will swallow me whole.

So I let the heavy downpour and thundering take over in my head instead, to let it replace these thoughts. It looks like it's not even showing any sign of letting up soon. I sure hope it stays this way, long enough for my brother to realize how stupid his party idea is.

What wishful thinking on my part, If only.

There is no way this storm will deter him from his plans, once he's set his mind on something it's almost impossible to get him to rethink it. That's just who he is, my stubborn older brother, who also knows way too much and can read me even when I don't say anything to warrant any reaction. But I can tell from the knowing looks he gives me, that it's clear he knows something.

I just don't know what.