Devil's appointment

Pact Made Out Of Lies

          As a kid I thought life is moving so slow, I watched it go by... and with closed eyes, I kept staring out of the window of my burning room... A bit older now, life feels like I'm going up Penrose's steps, moving forward won't get me anywhere... just walking and walking until I'm out of breath... and once again I just start questioning my every step...

          Last month I found out that something funny is going on in my house, I checked my room and it's almost reduced to ashes, yet the fire is not giving a single sign of going out, nor at least slowing down... to be honest, the more I'm staring at it, the more I feel consumed by its light, it's delightful... “unpleasant”… brightness, almost shines the way to a... “fool's”... paradise, I can feel it's warmth... “burning”... me... it's a beautiful "addiction"... but at that moment I couldn't hear that voice, nor my own...the only thoughts to mind are those that told me I'm lost... just getting louder. the more I look into myself... the more I'm digging deeper... the more those thoughts make sense...

     "I don't trust this thing that beats inside my chest..."

     "I don't trust the thoughts that break into my head..."

          What's left for me... if I can't even trust the person I see in the mirror...“Lies”…

          I thought that even unhappy people can have happy moments, yet still, the moment I get to smile is the moment these questions start knocking at my door, kicking it down and going inside my head... “Why”...

          I attempt to push away all the people that I love more than anything... “Why”... I don't need nobody to help me... “Lies”... it's like I'm standing under the rain and someone offered me a raincoat, but I rather stand there and get wet than take the handout... “Why”... maybe because I don't want to let anybody know that I'm vulnerable... “Lies”... this unbearable feeling keeps me so uncomfortable for weeks... “Why ”... now every single night feels like an endless week, I spend it thinking how I could have done this or done that better, but in the end... it's the same conclusion, I can't help it, that's just me, I gotta accept it... “Lies”... all my emotions make me feel like I'm someone else... “Why”... they don't want to see me fixed, they don't want to see me better, they just want me broken... they want me dead... “Lies”...

          There's a poison in my blood, will I ever manage to take it out? I don't know... I tried... “Lies”... I did the best I can... “Lies”... I'll just leave it there inside my lungs next to all the questions I ran from... “Why”... I wonder if the kid is proud of who he became, with all the walls I built around my... “Prison”... house... I start feeling numb... which is funny to think about, it's like I felt so much that I started feeling nothing... and even if this painting before my eyes is on fire it still hanging on the wall... can I take that as an appointment with hope?... Who am I kidding, I got to stop lying to myself... “Lies”...

          Once more the kid took a deep look into the painting and started questioning: “Will the pain ever vanish, or is there more to come?... Will I ever regain love?... And maybe someday I have a taste of freedom?... ”

          They say life is a race, even if I run as fast as I can my problems will catch up to me eventually, or so I thought... but I never ran from them in the first place, I always carried them on my shoulders... I guess I just believed him more than myself...

          Again in my house, all alone. The last time that happened he visited me... I wanted to check the other rooms inside it, to be honest, the view I'm seeing now is terrifying yet a relaxing glowing scene, and maybe that's the reason I never paid attention to what's there in the hallway... to paint the picture even clearer, there's a room... it doesn't look damaged from all those flames, I walked closer... it seemed locked, but nonetheless, I tried to open it… something about it attracted me, everything screams that that's what I should do... even the door isn't closed... a glowing light is getting out of the edges of the wooden door, rapidly becoming pure darkness, the room I was seeking disappeared... yet I hold the door handle in my hands, refusing to let it be engulfed by flames... this place is familiar…“Yes, I made it myself”... I knew that this was coming, it's him again, sitting in the same place, same position... yet this time things won't-

     “Hey, can you stop this narrating thing? I thought you will be bored of it by now”...