MY: FnIL

02: Tonight

***

Kim Seokjin

"When I close my eyes, and I see you, I feel like I will think of only the happy memories again."

Min Yoongi had found his way into my heart when I wasn't looking, and it only took one day for me to realize that over the course of a decade, I had genuinely fallen in love with someone I should not have feelings for more than a friend should have. I tried so hard to keep my heart at bay, reminding myself that the beautiful smiles and pretty gazes that Yoongi gives me are only because I am his only older brother in the group, and he confides in me, just like everyone else in the group.

Knowing that there I would be nothing more than an older brother to me pained my heart, but it did not stop falling deeply in love with him. And although I may be in pain at the thought of not being allowed to profess my love for such a fantastic person like Yoongi because he is my band member and should only be my band member, it never stopped me from imagining what like would be like if one day, one night, when everyone is fast asleep, I would be able to hold Yoongi's hand and call him mine.

Thinking of such fantasies about my own band member is ridiculous, and I already knew that long before I even realized how deeply I had fallen for one named Min Yoongi. But those fantasies are not as far as I thought because there are times that would occur on such special nights where everyone else is fast asleep in their rooms while Yoongi and I are still awake, watching the moon shine brightly up in the night sky. And even though I cannot tell the world about my love for him, Yoongi still knows the way I feel about him, and he lets me hold his hand while we watch the night sky.

Because in the world of judgment, I turn my head away and focus instead on the warmth of the hand of the person I consider my world; the love of my life. The person who I wish never to let go of and the person who I hope would stay with me even for just one night. Under the night sky, while the world is fast asleep, I can proudly call him mine.

I have fallen for Min Yoongi too deep, yet I made no plans of climbing back up from the deep and warm abyss that I have fallen into.

When this night passes

I'm afraid I won't be able to see you

The utterly clear gaze

The touch I got too used to

The face that smiled at me

Will I be unable to see you again anymore?

The darkness that the world succumbs into as the moon rises and takes the place of the bright and yellow sun up in the sky with its followers of tiny little stars that painted the darkness of the cold night. I have many fears in life, but one of the fears that I have yet to tell the world is when the night finally passes because when the moon finishes her reign, the bright sun brings daylight and awakes the people in the world, driving away my love.

When the night finally passes, Min Yoongi will give one look ⸺ a look that brings me grave despair because we both know that my love cannot be announced to the harsh world that we live in, just like the love that my other members have for Yoongi as well. With every bright and sunny day that passes, I fear that I won't be able to see him again. That utterly clear gaze, the warm and comfortable touch that I got too used to, and that beautiful face that smiled brightly at me.

I miss it every single time the moon is replaced by the sun.

In my every day

You are there

In your every day

I'm there

When the moon is gone

And the sun rises

The one who has been with me

Will you be gone?

But even though I may not be able to show my true feelings for Min Yoongi under broad daylight and in front of everyone's harsh judgments, I know deep in my heart that in my every day, Yoongi is there and in his every day, I am there. The thought of losing Yoongi every single day that the moon is gone and the sun rises had become a fear of mine.

A fear that I do not intend on sharing with anyone.

When I close my eyes

I feel like it will remind me of the times that we were together

When I close my eyes

I feel like I will think of only the happy memories again

Every day, I hesitate when I close my eyes because I feel like it will remind me of the times that we were together ⸺ it reminds me constantly of the cold nights that we spend together, sharing each other's warmth by holding each other's hands. I fear of closing my eyes because I feel like I will think of only the happy memories again that I made with you in those cold nights that we spent out on the balcony and under the beautiful darkness of the night sky.

When this night passes

I'm afraid I won't be able to see you

When this night passes

I'm afraid that I'll be left alone

I fear of losing him when the night finally passes, and the bright daylight surrounds the world. Yoongi would always comfort me and reassure me of our feelings for each other as he does with our other band members, but still, I fear that I won't be able to see him anymore; that he will stop seeing me when the night finally arrives and the world falls into slumber.

"Min Yoongi, when this night passes, I'm afraid that I'll be left alone. But I hope you'll stay with me tonight and hold my hand."