Yesterday's memory

Now your gone

My mum passed away in early 2014. It was the saddest day of my life.
I felt like my heart had been smashed into 1000 pieces hearing those words,
I was sitting in my lounge room and got the terrible call from my aunty,
A few weeks before she has passed I had this bad feeling in my gut cos I hadn't heard from her in a couple weeks, I litterally tried calling her and went on her Facebook one day I was thinking about her to see if she had posted anything or liked somethings as that would be her normal activity,
mum only just started up Facebook not long beforehand so she was still getting used to the Facebook basics, so usually this was common for my mum, as we were always such busy people me and my mum, we always new we could go a week without talking and it would still be the same as yesterday that we only just spoke,
But I hadn't noticed anything n was kinda worried, you know when u worry about something and then u just get past it cost your like Na that wouldn't happen.
Yeah well it did and I just kept going about my life until I got that phone call.

My mum had anorexia. For years she battled it. Ever since I was little, my mum and dad split up when I was young, like 4 maybie?
Can't remember that age but it was young. That's my memory for you tho, sometimes your brain either blocks out memories or just forgets things, not sure why our brain does that? But my brain, not all of it for me tho.

I have a younger sister, and yes as u could imagine, if u were an 80's kid like me, me and my sister were one of the few who had been taken away from there mother at a young age, why? because she was anorexic.

Now this isn't because my mother was unfit to look after us, she was totally fit,
this was because her mother (my nan) had an issue with It, and I think I'd like to say, she was more ashamed of it.
With her and the other larger women in the family, I actually kind of see it like anorexia was a target for my mum.
Kinda like the nerd in school, how he doesn't fit in and has to be picked on all the time for no good reason.
That's how my mum was treated
Like she wasn't good enough,
But she was good enough for me.
I mean, don't get me wrong back in the days my mum used to flog me for stupid shit I'd do wrong.
Like I mean flog the shit out of me haha but I think that's where I have learnt my respect today.
I kinda hated that, not all the time, but now she's gone I still love her, no matter how much she hurt me she was still a good mum and that's all I'm thankful for today.
I just get sad a lot of the time cos she isn't here anymore and there are times that i just wished she was here now, with me talking and laughing and just her being being happy.
Like we used to be.
Mum was found dead on her kitchen floor in her apartment.
She was there for nearly 2 weeks.
Her body was basically all decomposed and there wasn't much left of her only weighing 43-45kg being 39yrs old.
So I ghuess a lot of my sadness comes from that, I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most then, But I always made her apart of me and my kids lives.
She was the grandmother to my youngest, Zayden my youngest, was only 3 at the time when mum passed away,  zay spent nearly every weekend with his grandmother.
My mums name was Jane Marree Fairchild.
She was the youngest of her siblings.
Zay loved my mum very much they were very close and espesually flossy her fluffy dog she loved that thing and today that's one thing zay still remembers,
my mum was Definetly the closest person to him in the family before she passed away.

I diddnt let him come to mums funeral, I couldn't, I felt like it would of been too sad for him,
I've watched movies and I hear people say "funerals can fuck you up if you go when your younger", it's true it really can, you see something really bad, then u just can't forget it can you?

He loved his nanny so much, having zay in her life was a positive thing for her, she had this boyfriend named Julian who treated her like shit and in the months after, became obsessive and protective of her, he was the one that treated her like shit and made her feel like crap, an asshole, yeah that was him, the more I heard about him the worse he got.

I remember this one time zay must have been like 2 years old at the time and she brought zay back from having him the night like her usual weekend, mum pulled up in my driveway really upset and I said "what's wrong mum?" And she just started bawling her eyes out.
"It's Julian, he's was calling me fat and ugly and was throwing lit cigarettes at me while he was saying it".
This was the worst thing I'd EVER heard my mum say, and I hate that man now for it, I wanted to cave his fucking face in for doing that to her and seeing my mum cry, the first time as an adult I actually seen my mum cry, 
I had never ever even remembered or seen her cry so much like that, this was a first and it was a fucking trigger for me.

Yeah I mean my mum was bullied a lot by her mum and sister by her weight everyday for years, most of her life actually, she would always get upset by it, but you know what?, she would get over it and move on, like it diddnt effect her as mush cos she was happy with the way she was.

kind of like my dad, he just gets over it quick, we more like to hear the positive shit rather then the negative shit and just move the fuck on, don't want to hear your negative shit just move on or if you don't have something nice to say then don't fucking say it, especially family and loved ones.

It's a trigger for the broken hearted and it can really hurt people if you don't youse your words kindly.
It's can mentally fuck you up aswell, it can drain you and suck all your powerful energy out of you. Kind of like the devil attracted to negative energy,
if you have to much negativity in your life then you are going to attract bad things and bad energy.
If you believe in spirits like myself, u need to believe in good spirits not bad ones.

I had a lot of hauntings, where mainly only bad things would happen when I was about 22yrs old & going through a really rough stage in my relationship.
Negative energy & bad energy telling me it was time to escape.
Mum used to say she had hauntings too but most of the time I would block out most of what she was saying and just think she was imagining it,
You don't really understand much till your a bit older and I'm only in my 30s now so I'm not really that old am I?
Although, I do feel like I'm a bit older to understand that now having experienced and seen things in my time.

I remember the coroner calling me and telling me about mums autopsy death, "Coronary Atherosclerosis" she died from im like oh what is that? She's like it's like a number of causes, mainly due to diet health and smoking, over excercising and blood clots that cause you heart to stop and fail, I was so sad, I really wanted to see her and hold her one last time just give her a cuddle and say goodbye to my mum that made me here today isn't here today,

I wanted to see her, she quietly and patiently explained over the phone ever so clearly like it's embedded in my mind as if she called me just yesterday
"darling, your mums death, given the circumstances of her being there the two weeks, your mum was in a really bad condition being underweight and the dog getting to your mums body, there's just some things you can't unsee and you don't want to remember your mum like that".
Pretty sure she said other stuff to after that but that's just blocked out can't remember that part just the gory and sad details.
The picture above is my mum, me and zayden on 2013 the year before she passed away.
Mum never liked people taking photos of her. If I ever took one she would always tell me to delete it but I didn't care I loved my mum and always will.