Yesterday's memory

Trauma

Did u know there are three types of trauma? I didn't know that, I litterally had to google it just then to make sure I'm getting all my words right.
Well they are right,
I'm actually just not that smart when it comes to simple things and knowing what things mean like technology, maths and English for example, I still use my fingers to count,
I'm kinda slow in the head if u get me, it takes me a while to click on, sometimes I just have trouble understanding things or need to be givin the "dummy version take" on it, ask me anything about art and Im on it like it's the only subject I had attention to in school.
Everything else was blocked out or I wasn't even interested in learning about it, I diddnt understand any of it,  it was very hard for me to understand being in school,
I wasn't even sure why I couldn't and still don't understand simple things today.
Sometimes when I speak, I can stutter or repeat a word twice I already said, sometimes I will get the 2 words mixed up, like I will say "pick up the floors on the cushions" instead of pick up the cushions on the floor. Im Literally special K sometimes I tell ya. I've actually done that for a very long time now, for many years actually,
Maybe it only happens when I have anxiety or I'm rushing my speech and it causes me to say those silly words, that's because I've already planned to say that in my head beforehand and before it even comes out of my mouth I've already said it the wrong way.
It's like when I'm expecting a phone call,  i Litterally prepare myself for what I am going to say, sometimes I even write it down so I don't forget, but when the words come out of my mouth, I end up fucking the words up anyway,  i eventually just think to myself about how much of an idiot I sound. that silly brain of mine.

Complex trauma best describes me, exposure to multiple traumatic events in your life, it can be a number of things but mainly multiple ones over time.
Sometimes I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown, not all the time tho,  just when I overwork myself n feel like I haven't achieved anything,  I let myself get seriously depressed because I can't open my mouth to speak when I think I need to say negative things I'm thinking about when I don't even know why I'm thinking them in the first place, I don't need to, and I sure don't want to.

I'm more like training my brain to throw away all the rubbish I don't need to talk about,
but for some reason, at my age now and being 33, life seems like it's slowing down for me, like I'm running out of time.
My brain process, it has this trash folder up there, stored on the left hand side,
that motherfucker just keeps going back through all my junk files Without my permission.
My thought process, it emails me like an overdue bill needing to be paid or fixed, "hey Kristen ya spastic, don't forget this she sais"  past parts of trash just dam stressing me the hell out.

So what am I thinking about?
It's not what I'm thinking about it's the memories I'm triggered from that's letting myself think that.
So many bad memories but we're so you start to find the cause of something thats making you depressed in the first place?
Well easy, I just think about bad things that have happened to me and im there, bam, I'm depressed.
My low, my lowest of lows, I hate it and it's disrturbing thinking about bad things, it's sad.

My second bad memory was when I was young, not too young tho, I was Definetly under the age of 11 years old at this time and I do remember parts very clearly, but I can't even remember how old I was.

Mum and dad had been split up for a few years now, not sure how long but it was a while, they had brought there own first home together, it diddnt last long because my mum just suddenly up and left my dad.
We were always in different rental homes growing up and always different schools, deception bay north, deception bay primary , Caboolture state primary, Sandgate primary dbay back to Sandgate again just to name a few, Sandgate high was my main school, it's basically where I found my first ever real friends in life who accepted me. Don't get me wrong I was bullied a lot in school, for someone to be so positive now, I was really hurt alot in my younger school years.
All of that moving and changing places for my mum when I was younger, could that be why I like change so much?