Yesterday's memory

Still So Young

When your younger, you don't really realise things until your a bit older, you try to actually understand them.
I still can't now really, but I still wonder.
I'm a positive person, so I always look at the good things, now that I'm a lot older these things don't effect me because my mindset is always so positive being and artist,
Im happy, I'm heart full, I'm funny and shy, I'm quiet and i love making people happy by giving to them, even if it's just as simple as a message to say you care or a gift on a special occasion. Just showing people you care when you see others don't care for them.

When I was younger I like to think that I always cared, but this one childhood memory I have, I remember going into my nan's bird cage and grabbing one of the eggs out of the nest box and squeezing it so hard i crushed it and I seen the baby chick inside.
I felt so bad and I don't even know why I did that,
I felt like I was a hurtful person that day, but I didn't understand until I seen the baby inside that I just killed something and felt really bad for it,
I quickly hid the evidence and never ever told my nan but they new there was an egg missing.

That's why I mean buy the memories I keep, see there's only specific ones at specific times that I remember, like that night with the man with 3 dogs.
I don't even know his name and I don't know what happened to him.
I do remember telling my mum, I remember telling her the next day when I woke up.

It's like that was the first thing on my mind like the morning chirping birds, it was something I remembered that I had to do the very next day,
Like a task, I had to tell mum because I remembered it, it triggered me because I knew it wasn't right.
He wasn't right, he wasn't my dad and he wasn't my protector he was just the man with the 3 dogs that sexually assaulted me.
That's how I visioned it, now for some reason the night he was doing it I can't remember what happened afterwards because I woke up and couldn't remember the rest of the night, I only remember up to the part I was restless and told him to stop.
Could he have drugged us? Or even my mum, I don't remember my mum ever taking us to bed when she was seeing him, so, to this day the year 2021, I still don't even know where my mum was at those times.

I just remember the night I gave her a kiss and he took me to bed and that's the night I can't forget.
I knew that my mum was obviously sleeping with this guy, that's because of how often he was over.
I know that now because I am alot older and aware, you don't have random guys over unless you are seeing them right?

So, back to the morning after it happened,
I'm awake and I'm off to the kitchen, it's the first place I knew where my mum was.
Most likely she was making her morning coffee, or tidying up the kitchen in her regular everyday morning duty,
It's just one of the things you don't remember when your so young,
like how do I remember that bad memory and the morning i told her?
how come I didn't notice how clean the house was, or even the certain breakfast she cooked for us that morning ?
Those are simple things you don't remember but for some reason you have these specific times and specific memories exactly and always, in your mind, But what does it mean? why do I still remember it today like it was yesterday?
I'm not sure!
It's just our memory, it likes to keep unresolved trash stored up there, if you don't fix it, it won't go away. Like bills, if you don't pay your power bill it's always going to be there until it's paid. And you aren't going to forget that because cos it needs to be paid and you know it!
Like that bad memory, you need to fix it or it won't go away,
But not like me, I always feel I don't need to fix my problems or bad memories, they are very much blocked out and tucked away, it's locked away and I don't need to talk about it, do I?
That's how I keep a positive mind, don't think about it, if you do, you will find yourself going downhill again. I can easily go downhill if I let myself.
I try not to let the bad memories effect me, but yeah sometimes it does, this isn't the worst, I mean it could have been alot worse right? I could have be that girl that got killed and didn't live to tell my story,
That's how I look at writing this novel now,
I feel like if I write down everything I thought, I will always be remembered somehow.
I want to be remembered somehow, I want people to understand how i felt and how I thought about things.
We aren't aloud to express ourselves the way we want to, or is that just me?