Deep Thoughts

I Lost My Humanity

After being hit hard by the harshness of life for a long time, I slowly began to feel numb. I started to lose my feelings and sensitivity. I started to lose my sense of caring. I started to lose myself.

I began to grow as a robot. I do my activities, my responsibilities, my jobs. But none of them is giving any sense to me. I do not bother anymore to take risks, to do hard jobs, to surrender myself to something dangerous and risky. I don't care. What is the matter for me? Nothing.

It is good yet also bad. I become more daring to take various opportunities without having to feel afraid and anxious anymore. But, it also means that I can be reckless, justify any means, even sacrifice myself or others because I no longer have fear. Nothing else scares me and makes me think twice before doing something. I am willing to do anything from now on.

The world is too dark. Anything you do will always have the negative side — a side you don't want to receive — a consequence you never expected. So what is the point in hoping that everything will be okay? I better know from the very beginning that everything will fall apart. That way, I will be better at taking any risks. My feeling won't get any worse.

There is nothing better than preparing for a nightmare to come true.

The world is too dark. I cannot see kindness anymore. I no longer believe in sincerity and purity of self. Everything must be meant for something. Something a person believes. Something a person respects. Something that no others ever understand means for them. We just don't see it, so we are so innocent of taking it as sincerity. If only we had known, it would all be shit.

I'm tired of being a good person. This world has disappointed me.

The last thing I can rely on is just myself. I will be fighting hard to make myself survive. Whether it is by hurting myself, hurting others, leaving everything behind, just anything to keep me on my feet. I have no sense, so it means nothing to me. I am sorry but I have chosen this path.

I am my ego. I am me.

With my numbness, love in this world doesn't longer has colour. It has no different from things passing by in my life. Everything is temporary. Everything can be replaced. Everything can be back to zero. It only means I want to live all by myself, putting aside people who mean nothing to me.

Why am I can't just feel happy? Because I chose not to be happy. I don't deserve happiness. My sin is too damn much. I don't deserve the paradise of this world. I am just going to give it up and living in the darkness.

I have abandoned my feelings to live a better life. What is the point if it only gives me pain in the end? I have decided to lose my heart. By that, I am willing to lose my human side.

If this world demands hardness, then I will be harsh.

This is the voice of a crestfallen person.