why do i have to cut or color my hair
up to an appropriate length -
or show a button
or a sticker
or go to a meeting of likeminded people
that will still question why i'm there
or cuff my jeans
or hold a girl's hand
god forbid it's a man's
or convince people that i've wanted to hold a girl's hand before
or i have bright colors adorn my eyes
or arrive bedazzled at pride
or cut my nails
or not sit right in a chair
or become a walking stereotype -
how many flannels do i need to collect
just for you to see me
to give me a token of validation
for who i am?
that's the thing.
because if i don't do those things -
i'll be another live laugh love girl
tending to her garden of comfortable ignorance
while her boyfriend is at the tailgate party
or the "mancave"
i roll my eyes just at the thought.
i am exhausted
from not fitting in anywhere.
i am exhausted
from proving myself
from conducting trials on my shoulders
debating the stakes of the closet door opening with every single new person.
i am tired
of being a myth, a phase, a token friend for the sake of "diversity",
a resource for the people too
lazy to learn the effects of what they have blindly caused.
i am tired of being a gumball machine,
spitting out expectations, explanations, evidence
at my sanity's expense
when they feed me transactional breadcrumbs of
"I 'support' you"
"Don't worry no judgement here"
"i have gay friends"
"I tried being bi once"
"I love the sinner and hate the sin"
they really think that'll make me feel better, don't they?
not like i'm a zoo animal at all.
and not like some "allies" seem like poachers.
"we got one right here!" the cameras flash against the glass. "A REAL, LIVE BISEXUAL!"
i am so damn exhausted
from hiding "controversial" parts of myself
so people can digest me better,
so the taste of my identity is more tolerable.
it's about time i just let them all choke.
