Spiritual love

October 2nd

"We are losing him, Jen. Where are you?"
Dr. Park wailed at me.

"There's a huge loss. I am trying my best to stop it but it's oozing out like crazy."
Dr. Jen worried.

"You're crazy. Where is your mind at?"
Dr. Park anguished

"He's tanking, doctor. Can't you see?"

"Who do you think you're talking to?"

"Focus on saving the life right now. Jen, polish the bone. We might need to amputate it."
Dr. Ken interrupted.

"The margins appear to be clean. There's still a small chance that microbes may have spread to other organs."
Jen illustrated.

"If they did then his mortality rate just increased exponentially. "
Dr. Ken uttered the truth.

"what if we put her in hyperbaric oxygen therapy now? Oxygen's toxic to bacteria."
Jen suggested an idea.

"Jen, we don't have time."
Ken slapped with reality.

"Blood pressure is dropping. 47/29."
Nurse pressurized.

"He's leaking. Ken, I can't understand anything." Jen flinched.

........................................
Blood pressure dropped to zero. Oxygen SAT has almost finished.

"stroke volume just bottomed out. We need to rapidly infuse four liters of whole blood. Get ready for a cardiac massage." Jen urged

"Jen, we lost him." Ken claimed.

"It's on your hand girl. I don't understand where was your mind at. It's all on your hand."
Dr. Park drastically accused me.

Once again, on my way to scrub out my soul torn down into millions of pieces. My heart collapsed, and I didn't get the courage to look at him.

This was the third life I lost on this exact day. With an unremarkable and unidentifiable weight hanging on my chest for the past three years tend to have expanded more in size.

What if things were as easy as it seems?
What if life was not this complicated?

Hanging out with the tragic moment of my life where oxygen and nitrogen around me suffocate my hollow lungs. It doesn't diffuse into my body anymore, it shouldn't be. I don't deserve to exist, not anymore. I am tired, Rab. I am tired. I can't take it anymore. I can't inhale this good air anymore. I'm unworthy of it.
Unfortunately, unworthy of everything.

Walking cold into the void streets, trembling in pain where my lips will no longer utter anything because they are long zipped and knitted. Whereas my heart endures so immensely that I could feel the veins bleeding into other organs. This was the day, Allah when all of my hopes grew into the pit darkness, blur with an unimaginable pain. Every single grief was draining my soul, making me unable to even stretch, but I swore to you that I held onto you.
Only You!

I still remembered the affliction of sharing him with someone else. How could I not remember it? It was the only heaviest and selfless thing I have ever done in my life. Donating your heart might seems easy but you don't know the burning agony unless you are the one who is donating. Still, my lips didn't mumble anything because they were sewn, and my heart couldn't complain to him, but instead, it kept suffering silently.