thunder ! lrh

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it all started with the brief chime of the doorbell.

little was i to know, at that very moment, that behind that door lay the beginning of my life, the game-changer. my seventeen-and-a-half year old mind could barely comprehend the fact that i had dropped a potato chip on the floor, let alone the obvious incline that as soon as i opened the door, i saw no one. i clearly remember scratching the back of my neck, looking around the lawn for some ding-dong-ditcher to be hiding behind the bushes or something. to get a better look, i began to step forward, but my ankle was stopped by a piece of plastic the size of maybe a packing box.

and inside that piece of plastic was my death wish.

it wasn't a piece of plastic, after all, it was a tiny seat, made for the tiniest of people. it was a baby carrier, complete with a baby inside. it had a confused, almost scared expression on its' face, probably representing my face as well. next to the baby was a small duffle bag, and upon unzipping, i found to be full of baby clothes and shit.

tucked underneath the little blue baby blanket that covered the baby was an envelope, to which i carefully maneuvered away from the tiny person without incident. written on the outside in big, bold, capital letters was one word. my name. holy shit, holy fuck, holy shit. my hands began to sweat so i tore the envelope open while i could and pulled the wrinkled piece of paper out.

luke,
congratulations, dickhead, you got me pregnant. i don't want anything to do with him, so he's all yours. his name is matthew james hemmings. i'm moving to melbourne in a week, so if you want me, meet me at the coffee shop across from the school at five o'clock.
caroline.

i don't think i'd ever moved so fast, baby cradle thing in one hand, the duffle in the other, to get to my car so fast in my life. i ran back into the house after situating the baby in the passenger's seat to get my keys and phone, then raced to the designated coffee shop.

thinking back, i don't think it was the wisest plan to bombard caroline wolfsheim with a live creature in my hands, but i did it anyway. and boy, i went with full steam. there was no way in any mindset that she was dumping a baby, of all things, onto me alone. she was sitting there casually, sipping a mug of tea, when i slammed the duffle bag onto the table and yelled, "you have got to be fucking with me!"

caroline wolfsheim was a very intelligent girl, i'll tell you, and the way she treated the situation blew my mind.

"no, luke," caroline had said, "you've got to be fucking with me. a good nine and a half months ago, we hooked up, and you left without a single word. you didn't think to say hello at school that first month, before i had any idea that you planted this little motherfucker in me." she paused to point at the baby. "you didn't text me asking if i was doing well when i dropped out of school. i went to hell and back with a baby in my stomach. do you know how many times a day i peed? fifteen, luke." i backed away from her as she began to stand up from her seat. i placed the baby on the table. "i suffered for months without a clue as to if the father of this child was going to step up or not, and then i decided, i shouldn't have to! i'm not giving you a choice, this is your baby, and i'm gonna' leave you alone with it, just like you did me."

i don't think i'd never been more afraid of a girl in my entire life.

"so, now that i think about it, i am fucking with you. goodbye, luke."

and then she turned around, and walked out. i stood there, staring at the air that once consumed her very being, and that was the last i'd seen of caroline wolfsheim.

after that, i'd swallowed the lump in my throat and went home. i sat in the driveway for a moment, looking down at the baby with so many emotions running through my body. i lifted him out of the carrier, and held him in front of me like a dog with mange. his eyes looked a little too big for his little face, but it was cute. he stared back at me, and i waited for him to say something, but then realised how much of a fucking idiot i was. so i then did the most logical thing i could think of.

i ran into my mum and dad's room with the baby in my hands and shoved him towards my mum and cried, "look what i made!"

after that i actually did start crying, my cheeks eventually feeling raw with tears. my mum rubbed my back though i could sense how confused she was. so i explained every detail of what happened while the baby -- matthew, i should say, sat watching. he was always a quiet one.

in the end my mum and i made a deal. i had to keep him, and she'd help me take care of him for a year, and then i had to move out and find a good job that'll finance me and matthew. of course, in my dreary state i thought that was an absolutely magnificent idea. i'd get out of taking care of it for a year and i could finish high school like a normal kid, and then i could ruin my life.

when i woke up the next morning, i had forgotten all about caroline wolfsheim, the baby, and the potato chip i'd abandoned on the floor when i went to answer the door.

when i walked out to the living room and saw my mum talking sternly with my father, and they both looked up at me with a concerned look on their face, laced with disappointment and absolute fear, it hit me again. i remembered exactly what had happened and it was like the movies, when the star looks directly into the camera and the music plays over and over.

i'd never get used to it.

i texted my three best friends first. you know those friends who you could trust with the world and never have to worry about them breaking that trust? that was ashton, michael, and calum. and at the time i thought telling them right away would make me feel better, but i was wronger than wrong could be.

we were sat on my bed, matthew in a bundle of blankets in my hands and the three of them staring at him like a foreign animal. "did your mum have another baby?" michael asked and calum smacked the back of his head. and then it was quiet as they all tried to figure out whose baby this was.

"is that your baby?" ashton finally asked, and i nodded.

all at once, it was as if the room filled with the anaesthetic gas you get at the dentist that makes you giggly until you pass out, and the three of them bursted into laughter. michael nearly busted a gut and calum actually fell off the bed, and that loud thud made matthew squirm.

ashton composed himself first. "who's the mom?" he asked, and i replied with caroline wolfsheim. "whoa, nice, dude. i forgot she dropped out, and now i know why. she was hot."

"wait, luke," calum said as he crawled back onto the bed, his eyebrows furrowed. "how are you planning to take care of a baby?"

"i don't," i said honestly, kind of pissed that they weren't responding seriously or maturely as i was. "my mum is helping me and -- jesus, guys. i don't know what the fuck i'm doing. i'm a dad!"

michael stuck his finger out and poked matthew's tummy, retreating his hand when the baby smiled at him. "i know you're scared and stuff, but, like, you're not gonna' get laid with this thing laying around," he said, and that was when i'd had enough. call me irrational, but i kicked them out of my house after that. i was not in the mood for them to be assholes to me and then expect me to laugh.

when they left, i laid in bed with matthew next to me, his little arms breaking free from the blanket and reaching up. i just watched him move, watched his way of life come together. this was going to be a daily thing from now on; this was my son. i think maybe because the idea was new to me i'd refused to believe that it was a big deal, and so i just laid with the baby for a few hours until he grew hungry. my mum taught me how to feed him, how to hold him properly. he was so little.

back then i hadn't taken it seriously. probably the first few months were the worst. i'd grown aggressively addicted to partying: i came home every weekend at least once drunk off my arse. my mum and i got in a screaming fight one time and she had said, "you can't do this now that you have responsibilities!" and i just remember getting into her face and screaming back, "well, i didn't ask for this! i didn't ask for him!"

i've regretted it since.

on matthew's first birthday, it really, truly dawned on me that this was it. this was the rest of my life, in a nutshell. i'd bought an apartment over in town near where i work, segmental to a nice daycare that didn't charge crazy money for my hours. i had everything planned out.

now all i had to do was not fuck it up.