Miracles - A Christmas Story

Chapter 4

Somehow I had managed to convince John it was a much better idea to let me finish what I had to do before he came over.  As a matter of fact, I suggested he called first.  I hoped I’d be able to talk him out of his little visit altogether. Wasn’t dinner with my mother the next day togetherness enough? 

I drove home in a daze.  At some point, I noticed I was singing along to Christmas songs… Like I was happy or something. What was wrong with me? I was in so much shit.  Then again, surely I was overreacting.  I mean…so what if I made out with my ex in my new man’s apartment?  Seemed perfectly normal. Now insert that the ex was Michael Jackson in disguise and this wasn’t weird at all. Not in a million years had I thought Michael would come after me. Why now?

Did it have to do with him reading about my engagement? Did he want to test if I was serious?  Why did he care?  He had been free of the blond ball and chain for months. Plus- he seemed perfectly happy shopping for goodies for some lucky lady when I had spotted him.  Maybe I was just a little distraction.  Some warm up act.  

Oh, there’s Lisa.  Let’s see if I can still get into her pants.  

No, not even he could be that cruel. Then again, I would never, in a million years have thought he’d actually squirt some sperm up Deb’s black hole, either.  A small miracle, the cobwebs didn’t prevent conception.  

Ouch! I was such a bitch.  No need to be evil. It was simple to him. I said no. She said yes.  Yes trumped no in his world.  And no meant nothing but a challenge. Maybe that was it, then. The challenge drew him like blood a shark. I was engaged. Getting me to fall and trip onto his penis might be a great challenge to end the millenium on. 

I pulled into my driveway and looked at the house. The kids had bugged me till I hired someone to put the lights up.  I hated Christmas lights. They reminded me of Neverland.  But I loved my children, and so I suffered through the constant flashbacks. Hell, this whole house, every single corner, every single room…everything was a major flashback.  He was everywhere.  Changing things around hadn’t worked. And pretty soon, I noticed it was more painful to have new stuff. I didn’t want new furniture. I wanted what we had picked out.  In the life when we thought the future was golden and nothing could get in our way. I wanted that fantasy back more than anything. I had to be honest about that.  Just like the alcoholic had to know that he’d always want alcohol. To pretend otherwise was taking the first step down the slipper slope into denial land. I just simply had to be realistic and know I couldn’t have him. Ever again. Which is why I should have run today instead of going after him. Should-a, would-a, could-a. … the satanic trinity in my life.

So, what I needed to do was to get back into sanity mode. I needed to throw the number he gave me into the fire.  I needed to call John and tell him to come over as soon as possible. And I needed … to pretend today didn’t happen.  

That he didn’t look at me like that. That I never felt his fingers touch my hair and my arms. That I never heard his voice. Never felt his lips.  Never tasted paradise.  What had John said?  I looked feverish? Yeah, that was a perfect way of putting it. It was a fever. He was a fever. He was my illness. I thought he was my medication and my recovery, but I had been barking up the wrong tree.  

But to get totally healthy, I might have to bite into the poisonous apple one more time. I would have to call him and make it clear that there was no way I was about to function as his little toy again.  That I was not his little controllable doll anymore, being dressed by him, being told what to say, where to be, and how to feel.  Sleeping beauty had woken up. And the prince had turned back into a frog. With a heavenly voice, but so what? 

A voice that whispered: he still wants you.  

Yeah, exactly why I can’t be near him.  Because he obviously still does exactly what he feels like. And today he felt like buying goodies for one woman while basically pissing all over another man’s apartment. Using me to do it. As if I was a tree or fire hydrant he considered his.