Farewell Dinner

So much regrets

I can't believe the state I am in. I've succeed to keep myself together while I was still on the island but since I left it... it's like all the pieces of my heart had finally fall apart and that I couldn't find half of them. I never cried so much in my life, I never thought we could cry as much tears as that honestly. It started when I got on the boat, watching the island disappear in the distance. It was so painful that every moments since I got there was replaying in my head and it continued once I got to my father's house, as I found myself faced with silence and loneliness.

That was yesterday and the night was very long. I took a shower to erase the last traces of tears, put ice cubes on my puffy eyes, I went to the supermarket to buy some things to eat and especially chocolate. Yeah, I woke up really early this morning... And now it's almost 11 a.m, I am eating this chocolate while watching an action movie. Especially not a romantic movie, the last thing I wanted was to reopen the floodgates. But, despite all the things I have done to occupy myself, the time seems far too long.

I'm surprised to hear a knock on the door. No one in Istanbul knows I'm here so who could visit me ? I sigh deeply as I pause the movie and get up to open the door. I remain paralyzed for a moment, feeling my heart tighten painfully in my chest.

.

POV Poyraz

After missing the boat the day before, I went to find Gorkem to beg him to give me the address of Haziran's father's house. I even started by threatening him but it was far from necessary, he had even already prepared it and was happy to hand it to me theatrically.

So I waited the next boat to Istanbul, which was early this morning, to get on it. Next I took a cab and gave the house's address to the driver. And here I am in front of the house, still not knowing what I could possibly say to redeem me.

When she open the door, she seems so lost and tired that my heart cracks a little more. She stays silent for a moment and I don't know how to start either, so we just look at each other.

- What are you doing here ? she asks in a weak voice.

- Can I enter ?

She hesitates a second before stepping aside to let me pass. I take a few steps inside before turning around to face her. She've closed the door but stayed near it. She doesn't seems to have any patience since she asks again :

- What are you doing here ?

- I couldn't let you go. I admit.

She chuckles without amusement, rather sarcastic.

- But you did. I'm gone. You did let me go. She repplied.

- I tried to stop you, actually...

- Oh really ?

- Yeah... I didn't arrive at the pier on time.

- Too bad. It's not like you had enough time the two days before that.

- I really thought I was acting in your best interests, you know...

- It's funny because it's the exact same excuse as my mom. And probably your grandma too.

- I'm so sorry, Haziran, I regret it so much.

She doesn't answer, just staring at me with a mixture of anger and sadness.

- I shouldn't have broken up. I no longer saw a solution, I thought that I would make you miserable by preventing you from achieving your dreams and...

- Yeah because I'm so happy right now. She repply coldly.

- I'm sor-

- We already talked about that. You should have asked me about my dreams before taking decisions for me. But you didn't.

- I know, but...

- You don't seem to understand what you've put me through, Poyraz.

I freeze, not knowing what to say, but anyway she continues.

- I had so much faith in you. I believed in every word you said... You said you believed in us, that no one and nothing could separate us, you even asked me to marry you and I accepted ! I was ready to go through with it, to marry you, even though we hadn't been together for so long and we hadn't known each other for much longer. Because I trusted you and I trusted us. I even said yes that day if you remember well !

I feel like she just slapped me but the point is, she's right, so I just nod to confirm her words.

- And two days later,  you say you can't keep your word and that's over.

A first tear runs down her cheek and I feel my heart tearing apart.

- Two days. She repeats like she couldn't believe it herself. Two days between the moment when we should have gotten married and the one you broke up. Is there nothing that shocks you about it ? Because I can't stop replaying it all back in my head and it still doesn't make sense to me.

I know I should say something now, but nothing comes to me. I just feel so bad and guilty... She turns her back on me and I feel like I'm going to lose her for good, that there won't be any turning back. When she faces me again, her cheeks are flooded with tears and I feel mine aren't far either.

- Do you really have nothing to say ? So why have you come all the way here ?

- Because I love you more than anything.

- But you made it clear to me that this love wasn't enough. So what ? What has changed for you to come here ?

- I realized I was wrong. Love is enough. More than enough. I don't care who are against us now because... I know I can't live without you. I can live without my grandma approval, even with her resentment, or with your mother's hate. But not without you.

- And it's now that you realize it ? Really ? When I'm already gone ?

- When I saw the boat moving away, it was as if the sky was falling on my head... You know yesterday, when I'm gone after you, I fell on my mother.

Her face falls between surprise and worry. At least she's still worried about me. Is it wrong to be relieved about it ?

- I used to think this could be the worst thing that could possibly happen to me, you know ? Like the most painful, really. But even if I was angry to see her here, it wasn't painful. It wasn't, because I couldn't think about anything else than you. I was already in so much pain. When I saw her I wanted to talk to you because you're always the person I want to talk to weither I'm fine or not and realizing that I couldn't anymore, that was the most painful about it all.

New tears rolls down her cheeks and I don't know if I just made it even worst or not. I can't hold back and take her face in my hands, wiping away her cheeks and joining our foreheads.

- I hate you. She whispers.

A tear roll down my cheek as I replied :

- Yeah, I hate me too...

She chuckled lightly. A slight sigh of relief escapes me when I hear this sound that I love so much, especially since she neither pushed me back nor slapped me.

- I love you so much.

- I love you too. She repplied.

- Will you come back home with me ? I ask with fear.

- Yeah, I will.

- I won't disappoint you again, I swear.

She nods gently before curling up in my arms. I hug her as tight as I can, relieved to hold her against me.