but if I wrote you a love song.. (jeongchan <3)

-1-

a few weeks back I was living the almost perfect life. my brother, seungmin, and I started writing songs and making music together when I was still in middle school, him being almost 2 years older than me. he always loved music and was so passionate about it. when he started bringing me along to the choir he joined in high school I fell in love as well. we even performed together at family events and some talent competitions, with him playing the piano and us singing together.

it was always a lot of fun and I was able to gain confidence performing on a stage. I felt good while singing. in these moments I was able to forget about the bad thoughts I had sometimes. when I was singing with my brother I wouldn't care about weird looks or what other people might think about us. all I could perceive was the music and seungmins smile that would always encourage me to give my best.

and soon after, all of our wishes came true when a big music company accepted us as a songwriter duo. we could have traveled the world together and made other people happy with our music. but unfortunately our dreams got crushed when only a few days after signing the contacts a drunken asshole thought he was sober enought to drive his car and got us involved in his stupid desicions.

a shaky breath leaves my mouth making a small fog cloud while I shoved my right hand deeper into the warm pocket of my jacket. my left arm was still in a cast from the accident that had killed my loving older brother.

I felt a single tear running down my cheek while thinking about that dark day. looking back it could have been one of the best days ever. we were just coming from our new little office the company had given us to work on our songs in a pieceful atmosphere when we met up with our family for dinner to celebrate our future.

everyone was so proud of us but no one was as happy as seungmin and I on that evening. all the people we loved came to see us and we were together. come to think of it we always were inseparable but I guess that goes for most brothers.

the evening went by absolutly perfect and we decided to call it a day and go back to our shared flat when it happened.

it was a hit and run. the police couldn't even find out who took the most important person from me yet.

some more tears dropped from my chin to the ground. at least we spent our last hours together in happiness. I chuckled a little. seungmin would probably punch my shoulder now seeing me like that. he always said I was a crybaby even though we both knew he always cried when he saw my tears.

and now I was standing at his grave crying just like a little kid. when we were children I admired him for being so strong. he smiled even when he fell down and hurt his knee so I wouldn't panic. I still admired him for being strong as we grew older. I always wanted to be just as brave as him. I wanted to protect him the way he protected me.

I looked up at the sky that started to drop little snow flakes again when i suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to see my mother giving me a small smile. "we should go back now, love. it's getting late." it was indeed getting late. we spent a few hours at the graveyard placing some new flowers between the others our family and friends had brought at the funeral.

I whiped the tears out of my face and smiled at my brothers grave one last time for today before taking my mothers hand and walking back to the house I grew up in.

we cooked for us and my dad and spent the evening as the now a little smaller family.

I was staying at home for a few weeks now working from here after talking to the company. they offered me a break for as long as I needed but i didn't want to put this project on ice. we had worked too long for this to just stop. our hearts and souls were in this music and I felt like I was closer to my brother everytime I sang. but to be honest it was very hard working alone for the first time. I was used to jaming with seungmin for hours and spontanious ice cream breaks in the middle of the night while humming the newest melody.

I started pressing seungmin's dog stuffy against my chest. I gifted it to him a few years back and it would always lay buy his piano while he played. he didn't admit it at first but he really loved it and woundn't have traided it for the world. how was I supposed to continue without him? without this sassy sunshine boy by my side to cheer me up when things didn't work out.

when it all happened we just started working on our first album. I was trying to do it by myself but the most ideas and loose note sequences stayed on the paper. there were still some songs to go. but the ones we had already finished or almost finished sounded like heaven to me. pure comfort and happiness.

to say the least I felt like I was in a deep dark hole and it wasn't just the creative block that bothered me. on some days I didn't feel like leaving my room or even bed. I didn't feel like I could.

I also moved back to my parents just a few days back. our flat was just was too big and especially way too empty to live there on my own.

-

a few days later I heard a knock on my door as I was hunched over some papers. "mhm" was the only sound I made before someone opened my door and I was met with a loving look on my fathers face.

"how are you doing?" "ah, it could be better." I chuckled lightly while he sat down on my bed. "yea, i guessed. you know your mom and I love having you with us after everything that happened but we think it would be healthier for you to go back to the company." he made a small break before looking up at me. "at least for working. your state has us worried, innie. maybe it would help you to go out from time to time." I looked down at my hand. he was right and I knew it.

I could see my mothers looks after staying in my room for days and my eye bags were also getting more and more visible. "yea, that's a good idea." I smiled at him and could see his relief clearly when he stood up and ruffled my hair. "there is some left over food downstairs if you're hungry." he stopped at the door and looked back at me. "I'm driving to work in an hour. if you like I could drop you off." I nodded and watched as he left.

it would be good for me to get back out there I thought. maybe I would even find some good inspiration. I streched a little and searched for some fresh clothes to take them to the bathroom with me. a hot shower was exactly what I needed right now.

I put my laptop and a bunch of the loose notes into my bag and couldn't resist to also pack the dog stuffy. before leaving my room I grabed a cap that was laying on my bed and I was ready to go.

it was pretty cold so I was glad I didn't have to wait for the bus and could enjoy the car ride with my dad instead. after he dropped me off I zipped up my jacket and walked to the big entrance. on my way I passed the company's cafe and some people standing outside.

a comforting warmth took over my body after pushing the door open. a little smile came to my face when I saw ms. lin the receptionist sitting at her usual place. she was a very nice lady and waved at me after recognizing me under the many layers I was wearing. I made my way to her and greeted her with a quiet 'hi'.

"hey honey, I'm glad to see you again. I hope you feel a little better." she gave my a loving smile and I could tell she was being sincere. I nodded lightly before waving and continuing the way to my office. coming to think of it I hadn't really explored the company yet since my office was pretty close to the elevator and that way we never had to run arround much. and except for ms. lin and the bosses I didn't knew anyone here. I suppose the reason for that was that I wasn't working here for that long yet and stayed at home most of the time. I'm basically still a newby.

not much time had passed when there was a knock on the door and my boss opened it smiling at me. "it's nice seeing you back in the house." which made me smile.

"so how have you been doing at home?" "ehm, I continued to work on the songs but didn't make it very f-far. I'm sorry, sir." I could hear him chuckling a little. "that's not what I meant, jeongin. don't worry about it too much okay?" I nodded lightly. "but if you're having trouble working on your own you could try working together with one of our songwriters." I looked up at him. "that's very kind of you, sir, but I'd rather work alone."

the latter let out a sigh but still smiled. "I respect that and I don't want to pressure you but if it doesn't work I'll arrange a test session and we will see how it works out, okay?" I nodded while nervously playing with my fingers. yes that's okay, sir." they were all very kind and understanding but he was still my boss and this was still my work so I had to respect his decisions. I didn't feel well at the thought of working with someone else. I don't think I could work with someone that's not seungmin. our connection had always been special and no onone else could make me feel as comfortable as him.