breathe

the fear of losing someone

breathe in, breathe out.

eyes closed, mouth slightly open, chest battling the air coming in and out of his lungs. his weak lungs.

the virus destroyed him. and i'm scared that i might lose him.

watching his chest rise and falls, so deeply. thin line of oxygen filling up his lungs, helping him breathe. cans and cans of expensive air, standing next to him in a line, keeping him alive. the sight of him, laying down on that hospital bed. crisp white shirt, and off white sheets hugging him in his sleep, a sight that i could never forget.

with the glass wall keeping us apart, his breath echoes in my head. it's short and heavy. sometimes shaky, sometimes strong and steady. but now, it's still. like water in a pond, in the middle of the night. cold air and trees rustling. so calm, yet so alarming. you won't know what's going to happen.

it's so painful seeing him like this. fighting for his life, with all the power he had left in him. fighting for his family, for his friends, and for me.

i can't imagine breathing with the same weak lungs he got. not to mention the symptoms that comes with it. headache on headache. dry coughing every minute. feeling tired when you barely even moved an inch.

how can someone be so strong yet, so weak?

whenever he's awake, and noticed that i'm here, waiting for him, he would put the biggest and the brightest smile, just for me. just so i won't have to worry about him. but i know he's hurting.

i know it's miserable living like this. not even his health. being alone, isolated in a white room, with corroded railings and stacks of pill bottles, waiting to be engulfed. no source of warmth, no presence of another human being around. no one is allowed to.

even if someone were to get in, they would wear these hideous suit, masks, boots, everything and anything they could, just so they won't have to be in contact with him.
the exact opposite of everything he needed.

but who could blame them? it's dangerous. it took an immense amount of lives in one day. and it's slowly taking my best friend's, my boyfriend, my love, my life; the love of my life.

i wish i can be there for him. i wish i can be there with him through it all. i wish i can wake up to his scent, so warm in his arms. ruffles on his hair, untangling the mess on his head; that somehow made him look even more beautiful than he already is. i wish i can lift up his day, make him smile, genuinely.

i don't want him to worry about me. i don't want him to worry at all. i wish i can do something. something so that he can stop thinking about everything. to distract his mind from his conditions, my conditions, distract him from everything.

because i know he's thinking about it. i know he's thinking about what would happen if-
i can't even think about it. i don't want to. i don't want this.

why? why are you doing this to me? i don't want to lose him. i can't live without him.

who's going to replace the cuddles? who's going to replace the kisses? the morning and night kisses. who's going to be with me, and calm me down when i'm overwhelmed with the world? what would i do without-

"hey." a hand wraps around my back, to my right arm, squeezing it ever so gently, "it's going to be okay."

i look up with tears streaming down my face, that i didn't even know were there. it's sapnap. the person that probably shouldn't see me like this. crying over the unknown.

sapnap is my best friend, but he'd known dream for way longer than me. sapnap is dream's best friend. and he is hurting too. seeing his best friend in a hospital bed- in an isolation chamber, fighting for his own life, just so he won't have to feel the agonizing pain over losing a loved one, must be fucking terrifying.