Tevun-Krus #94 - 10th Anniversary Special

The Birthday Cake - A Receipt by @sacredlilac

Recipe for the best OOORAH birthday cake

By sacredlilac

Ingredients:

Flour. To make your flour, first print out multiple copies of every Tevun-Krus issue there is. With 93 issues before this one, you'll have plenty of sci-fi and Punk to work with. Grind the publications to a fine grain, the like of which you will find in DesertPunk.

Baking powder. To make the baking powder - yes, you will have to make it, but it's easier than you think, read on! Since the acid and base contained in the baking powder is the magic that gets your cake to rise, does it come as any surprise that you need some SolarPunk and LunarPunk stories to fill that role? PunkWars is a good buffering agent to keep them from activating before you add all that liquidy goodness.

Salt. To procur your salt, you have to do a MergePunk between OceanPunk and SatanicSF. All that heat oughtta get rid of the H2O. We don't recommend adding the ocean water directly. Baking is a science, after all, and all that extra liquid will make your cake gooey (not to mention the sea critters that would need filtering out, although, after baking, they could add some interesting texture. Maybe leave them after evaporating the water in the pits of hell. They should be nice and crunchy after that!)

Sugar. Collect your sweet stuff from any variety of Romantic SF. We suggest you ask Smith & Jones as they've traipsed through enough issues to know where to find what you're looking for.

Eggs. Smackdown on about 10,000 eggs, mothertroopers! (We know, we know, ChickenPunk hasn't been done yet, or EggPunk, so you might have to get creative with some AcidPunk to find your ovums.)

Oil. You might first think of asking DieselPunk for oil, and those cats deliver, but you'll get a much cleaner supply of oil for your cake from GreenPunk.

Frosting. And what other frosting would you use except EroticSF? We know. It's soooo good. Go on and slather it all over.

Steps to making your Ooorah cake:

Step 1: Collect the largest receptacle you can. Might we suggest an empty spaceship that might be lying around? (Check out SpacePunk if you find yourself short). Trust me, 'troopers, you're going to need a big one, because not only can the Ooorah crew write a lot of words in dazzling worlds, they can eat a lot of cake.

Step 2 (this is really Step 1.1, but let's not split any QuantumPunk hairs): Get a really big stick for stirring. Come on, you're using a spaceship to mix this frakking thing! We suggest asking a Singularity for help procuring one, because stores don't generally carry spoons that big. BonePunk might have one or two lying around...

Step 3: Mix your dry ingredients together.

Step 4: Find another large receptacle. Yes, I should have mentioned this in Step 1. Go on, I'll wait.... (perhaps get the NanoPunk to find you another spaceship, or hell, they can just make you one!)

Step 5: In the second receptacle, mix your wet ingredients together. Feel free to use the same spoon from Step 2.

Step 6: To mix this load, you're going to need to call on the Anti-Hero SF, Anti-Villain SF, Space Western AND the SpunkyHeroine SF genres. You are mixing this in a spaceship, remember? The more hands, the better. How could we forget SportPunk? They're buff! Ask them too.

Step 7: Bake in an alternate universe in a Wattpad oven for umpteen gazillion years (we know, but it's worth the wait. Patience is a virtue; just ask the mice. Although we do have the advantage of Time Travel SciFi to help us out! Or, you could dive into some DreamPunk while you're waiting...) Don't forget to set the ClockPunk timer! And you better power that oven with some TeslaPunk. There's nothing worse than the juice running out half-way through baking.

Step 8: Remove the cake from the oven and let it cool long enough to have a tangled debate with some Theological SF. Once cool, turn out onto a StonePunk plate.

Step 9: Frost that sucker! And what other frosting would you use except EroticSF? We know. It's soooo good. Go on and slather it all over.

It's a good thing this cake is the size of a spaceship since it's going to need 94 freaking candles on it! CandlePunk could produce some candles, but they might not be exactly the kind you expect. Might have a lot more boom in them than you bargained for... SteamPunk would probably be a better first choice for something glowy to put on the top.

One final point, make sure you ask Sword & Planet or SamuraiPunk to help you out with the cake cutting. (Spaceship sized, remember?)

Enough said.

Let's get down to filling our Punk stomachs, mothertroopers!