I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU'RE NOT MINE
Every Halloween, Camilla Wilson turns another year older. Another year of her life waiting for James Potter to love her.
[COMPLETED]
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IT HAS BEEN LESS THAN A YEAR SINCE MARLENE DIED. Lily gave birth in late July and is bringing their son, Harry, to Order meetings every now and then.
Lily and James got married and Camilla remembers it well.
It was in January in a small church. A lot of people came. Camilla was a bridesmaid, the maid of honor to be specific. She knew it would have been Marlene if she wasn't murdered. Camilla knew this because the wedding had started planning right before Marlene died. It was meant to be in March but James and Lily started to have a "life is short" mentality and rushed to get wed. It was better for Lily because she was less pregnant and could fit into a dress she wanted. Camilla cried at the wedding but so did a lot of people. Weddings are events where people cry, especially after someone who should've been there was killed a month prior.
They're having a small Halloween party at Sirius' place he had inherited from his uncle. It is nice and they have a lot of meetings there. Sirius knows how to throw a party and so despite all the thick sadness living in the air, people are happy.
Camilla is not. There is a giggling baby on her lap and everyone around her is smiling but she has a heavy heart. She doesn't want to bring down the mood but she cannot bring herself to be happy when it feels like Marlene died just yesterday.
She already possesses a sullen look so no one wonders why she is not smiling.
Camilla wishes Harry could speak. He's only babbling but at least he's not crying. Camilla feels uncomfortable every time Harry is crying. It's like he knows something about Camilla. He knows that she used to be with his father, he knows that she made James unfaithful once, he knows that she could say one word and crumble his entire parent's relationship.
The woman has too much power for her liking. She knows she will always love James and that there isn't anything to be done about it. Nobody falls out of love with sunsets or laughter or the only person who understands them. Things just became more distant. He is married to the nicest woman alive who still thinks Camilla is wonderful despite everything.
"Do you want me to hold him, Camilla?" Remus asks.
"Sure," Camilla nods and hands Harry to Remus. Camilla feels sorry for the baby. He's being passed around from person to person without having a say in the matter, Camilla knows what that feels like.
She stands up and grabs a fizzy drink from the refrigerator in the corner of the kitchen. James is by the counter snacking on some crisps. She hasn't been alone with him in forever.
"Hey, Millie," he says. "Can we talk?"
"I'm sorry," she says.
"For what?"
She shrugs, "I'm sure there's something."
"I'm the one who needs to apologize," James sighs. "Can we step into the garden?"
Camilla nods and follows him. It's cold out but Camilla is wearing a thick sweater so she doesn't mind.
"Do you..." he looks around to make sure no one is around. "Do you still have feelings for me, Millie?"
"Why are you asking me this?" She says in the harshest tone she's ever spoken to James in.
"I just need to know."
"And what about you? Did you ever have feelings for me?"
He pauses, takes a deep breath, and shakes his head. Camilla feels her soul get cut into a million pieces. She feels part of her die. She felt special in James' arms for all those months for once in her life and it was all a lie. She thought that maybe there was the slightest bit of reciprocation while it was happening. Why would James have gone back to her again and again if he saw her as nothing?
"So was I just a plaything for you then?" She spits. "Of course, I still have feelings for you but I've gotten so used to burying them it's like nothing's there."
"I've always cared about you - "
"Care and love are not the same thing, James. You never loved me."
"I love Lily. She's my wife, the mother of my son."
"You don't think I know that?" Camilla is careful not to raise her voice, but it isn't easy when she's so angry. She's never been so angry in her life. Camilla is generally meek and tame when it comes to her emotions, but not now. "Ever since you first met her I knew that nothing I could do would ever make you choose her over me."
"I wanted to speak to you to apologize for reacting how I did when you... when we... when I was with her. I shut you out completely because I thought it would help you move on. I see now that it didn't work."
Camilla takes a deep breath. "I love you James, but you're not mine. You and Lily were made for one another. I was made to love you too, I don't doubt that. Still, you weren't made to love me."
"So it's that simple? We have no power over who we love?"
She scoffs, "If we did don't you think I'd have chosen to hate you by now?"
"I don't think we should be so close anymore," he says quietly, looking at the ground like a coward.
Camilla feels like a caged bird that has finally been freed. She thought her whole life that James giving her a hard rejection would kill her, but instead, it sets her free.
She and James are no longer friends and Camilla is fine with it.
