Should I get Seperated?

Chapter Two

People say hatred is bad. It is a strong emotion. Hatred stops you from growing. Hatred is poisonous. Hatred eats away your happiness. It takes away your life if you don’t stop it. But how do you control it when it is a person? How do you understand it when it shouts at you? How do you calm it when its always burning?

What are you if Hatred is a person? Are you the scrape goat? Are you the punching bag to receive all the blows? My feeling are tender as the cotton that is burning in your flames of hatred. Why do you have so much Hatred? All that I ever did was love you. You broke my heart time and again. You broke my dreams time and again. Now you are breaking the will of my children and their confidence.

I will not be quite anymore. I will not take your lashes anymore. I will not allow history to repeat itself. I will not be my mom.  I have every right to expect love, respect, gratitude, understanding and happiness in a relationship. I stayed because I loved you. I stayed because you were sick. I stayed because you would change. But, you haven’t.

Now you are hurting my children. I will not sit quietly and take it anymore. Children are innocent. They see life the way the adults around them make them see. They need to be protected from you. They need to be saved from your anger. They and I need protection. I will leave you. I will take my children from you. I tried everything to make things work. I tried counselling, group counselling, family counselling, direct talk, I expressed my emotions, I told you how much your behaviour hurts me. I waited patiently. I tried to be an example of calmness and organised chaos. I tried to put you first before my children. I tried to help you what to speak. I tried to help you in what to wear. I tried to teach you on how to handle life. I tried to explain why saying some words helps solve problems. I tried every damn thing. I prayed. I had another child for us to have a fresh start. But, nothing worked.

I waited for more then ten years and six months for you to change. You just don’t change. You are extremely stubborn. You manipulate people very well. I will not take anymore. I am leaving you. I need my children to live a normal life. I don’t want them subjected to your will. My son is losing his mind because of you. He hates you. My daughter hates you, even though she is only a few days short of two. She ignored you and never came to you for more than a week because even she hates you. We all hate you. That’s not how a family lives together.

I hate you for targeting my son. I hate you constantly finding faults in him. I hate you for always shouting at him. I hate you because you hurt him.

I don’t want anymore manipulation. I don’t want anymore promises that are only broken time and again. I don’t want your false tears. I don’t want your apologies that you never mean. I don’t want you. You are nothing but a leach sucking away our happiness and peace of mind. Please let us go away. You promised to let us go if things go bad even once more. Things are always bad. Please don’t make me take harsh steps. I can be quite. I will not tell anyone how you torture me. Please let us go. If you really have even an ounce of humanity left inside of you, please let us go.

Myself and our children can be better people if we are away from you. We want happiness. We want to to do simple things without cringing. Even the simple things which people take for granted in life our very important for us. Watching TV peacefully. Talking about the future. Watching a sunrise. Seeing a documentary on Nat Geo. Eating on time and in peace. Going to bed when we want.  We don’t get to do these simple things also in your presence. No one can understand the actual pain we are going through day in and day out because of you.

Even when you go to work you trouble me with your calls. You always demand immediate response. You don’t understand that I am taking care of a small infant.  You have made me stop feeding my baby just to do your bidding. I hate you for this.

 You pushed me in your anger and I hit my tummy to a table corner when I was 8 months pregnant with our son. I hate you for this. You strangled my neck with your hand with the fridge behind me hardly a month after our marriage because I was silent when you were shouting. I hate you for this.

 You were busy dating other women when I was in the hospital because of water breaking when I was carrying my son. I hate you for that. You made me stand for an hour carrying my 1 year old son at the American embassy when you were laughing and joking about with your co worker. Both of you were sitting down happily. I hate you for that.  

You made me travel every weekend from Hyderabad to Bangalore to visit your mother. I never got a relaxing weekend because of you. I hate you for this. You insulted me in front of your parents and that old woman about my lack of cooking skills when you didn’t even know what good cook I am. I hate you for this.

You made me cry so much on our wedding night. You made me watch you doing it to yourself and not touching me. I hate you for that. We once had sex when you didn’t wash your ass after your personal business. Immediately after finishing you said that I was stinking. You said I should check myself up. And you found it very difficult to even continue but you did it anyway. Later on you found that it was you. I hate you for this.

I have forgiven you every single time and more. I really believed you were sorry. Every time I get fed up, you fall at my feet and apologise. You cry uncontrollably and scream out your frustration. You pull me roughly and shove me away violently. I have been through this many times. I can’t continue this charade anymore. I don’t have anything in me to forgive you. I don’t have anything in me to go on living with you. I want a good life for my children and myself. And I know that I can’t get it with you in my life. I hate you so much. Please let me go with my children. I don’t want to kill myself anymore. I want our children to be happy. It makes no sense to carry on the way we are when I hate you so much. I hate you because you took away the best years of my life and filled it with pain and suffering. I will not allow you to continue this with our children. I will not allow you take away my children’s childhood. They are good children and deserve so much more. You are ruining it for them.