Should I get Seperated?

My decision

I have suffered the abuse throughout the past 10 years of my marriage and more. My husband attacks my very soul using words and mannerisms that cause so much pain and suffering to me and my children. During this period of time he has systematically eroded my self-confidence and self-worth and created hurt so deep that I can no longer bear his presence in my life.

He never takes responsibility for his actions. He blames me for everything. He blames me even for his abusive behaviour. He constantly creates power struggles over everything with me and my children. He always controls my actions and undermines my dignity in front of my children, his and my family members, his girl friends, my students, household helpers and the public when we go out together.

I am not allowed to even decide what I want to cover myself with when I am sleeping. I am only supposed to sleep the way he wants me too. I have had many sleepless nights because of this. He will keep pushing and kicking my legs and pulling my pillow if he Cant sleep. I am not allowed to visit or stay overnight at anybodies place. When I get dressed to go out he says that I am overdressed and he looks like a chauffeur when he stands with me. I have stopped getting clothes for myself and have stopped dressing up.

His constant criticisms in what and how I do things and how superior he and his family is has made me stop praying to God in the alter at home. I have stopped making friends. I have stopped going out for walks. I have stopped my hobbies. I have stopped teaching. I have stopped excersing. I am slowely stopping even cooking. I dont laugh as much as before. I feel trapped and caged.

The constant humiliation has brought my interest down in life. I am subjected to insults, put-downs, shouting, threats and sarcasm. I am being criticised, humiliated, intimidated and given ultimatums. He has isolated me from my family members, neighbours and also friends. He often disguises his snide and cutting comments as humour. Whenever I tell him that he is hurting me. He would laugh and say it was a joke. I find every comment however subtle is now hurting me as much as his stronger degrading comments. Whenever I explain to him about how hurtful his remarks are, he laughs it off. He accuses me for his behaviour or his tiredness or his mood or my children's behaviour.

My husband has been secretive and dishonest with me. He has had affairs with other women. He has lied and withheld information to me. He has made up stories about me and harressed my sister asking her to control me. He has lied that I am not loyal to him by turning his mother against me who in turn put people to follow my whereabouts. He has often made plans or commitments affecting both of us, without my knowledge or consent, and refuses to answer my questions. He has threatened that he is capable of doing anything and can lie so smoothly that nobody will ever find out.

Every communication with my husband is abusive towards me. He never listens to my suggestions if they are different from his own. He will listen only if his opinions are the same. His constant accusations and dogmatic way of speaking always made me feel like an unequal, rather than an equal participant in this marriage. He wants his mothers approval for everything. He constantly tells her what is happening in this marriage showing himself as an passive participant. He will lock the doors and speak to her whenever She calls.

I have learnt the hard way that living with my husbands emotional abuse is affecting my health and mental peace. I have made many attempts to make him realise how bad his actions and words make me feel. I have seeked his parents help, counsellor, his psychiatrist, joint counselling, heart to heart talk, everything I am aware of.

When I have finally had enough and decide to walk out of this marriage, He will apologise and promise me that he has now changed and will not treat me bad. But within a few hours its back to the same story of abuse. He now tries to convince me that I am to be blamed for his inability to relate to my children. When I am not around, he talks to them to tell the lawyer and judge that I am bad and they should say that they to stay only with him and not the mother. He has threatened my son. He says that he is not able to relate to them in a loving way because I have made them respond only to abusive behaviour.

I Cant stay in this cycle of abuse, confrontation, happy period, accusation and abuse. This cycle is constantly going round and round causing a lot of anguish to me and my children. I have decided to break free.

I realised that I was being emotionally and verbally abused when I wrote down the following points in my relationship. . . .

1) My husband isolated me from my friends, family, students and community.

2) He stops me from becoming independent. I am not allowed to even take hobby classes for 2hours in the afternoon when he is moth there and my baby is sleeping after all house work is done.

3) He acts jealous and possessive. He has accused me of having affairs. He has asked me innumerable times if I am having a affair with any man I might come across in life. He blackmail me for sex. He says if I behave the way he wants only than he will have intercourse. He has also forced me into sexual activities.

4) He constantly cities women. Everytime he spots a woman driver, he would keep arising and make side remarks which are very hurtful.

5) He threatens, intimidates, harasses and punishes me.

6) He uses my visiting family members control me. He raises his voice and starts shouting and keeps a long face in front of them till I do his bidding. He wants me to constantly sit next to him. He also uses the children to control me.

7) He takes big decisions in the house without consulting me on matters that affect the whole family.

8) He controls the money. Since I started standing up for my rights, he has stopped my access to banks and credit cards. I am only allowed to spend what has been withdrawn and I should give him an account of what has been spent.