Should I get Seperated?

Chapter Three

The most important part for me was to realise that I am being abused. I was constantly abused verbally, emotionally and sometimes even physically. I didn’t want to be abused, Period.....whatever it might be. I found it completely unacceptable. I believed that I deserved to feel safe in my marriage. I believed that I should be treasured and respected. 

I knew that physical abuse was a complete “NO”. I thought I had control in how my relationship worked. I thought it wouldn’t go till physical abuse. But, the emotional and psychological impact of the abuse I went through  and am going through is was also very severe. It has brought me depression, anxiety, helplessness, loneliness and self disgust. The most difficult thing for me was the realisation that I am in a abusive relationship. Once I realised it, once I accepted that I am in such a situation, I knew that I needed to change things. 

I could not reach out to anybody. My mom was having her heart attacks, my son was just born, I was living with my in laws who believed that their son was the greatest soul on this earth. My sis was having own problems and my brother wasn’t very close enough to whom I could discuss my marital problems. I lost contact with my friend. I was all alone. I had no one to ask for help. I had my other problems as it was trying to live harmoniously with my husband’s family.  No one helped me in raising my child including my husband. I would be extremely cautious in what I spoke to him, because anything would start a fight with him. He would start screaming and abusing me. My son would wake up and start crying. Things were better when I was living with my in laws. He never wanted his parents to see him in a bad light. He would walk to their room after every fight and talk about me to them. He would say that I was being unreasonable and I don’t bend down. The last straw for me was when my Father in law once reprimanded me and told that his son was the sole bread winner  in my family and I should respect and do what he says. Oh! How I hated it! I told him immediately that I knew that and that doesn’t give my husband the right to ill treat me. My Mother in law signalled me to be quite and ignore and she asked her husband to be quite and not interfere. 

So, where does all this leave me? I thought going separate would help. I convinced my husband to take up a house. We finally moved out from my in laws. But, things didn’t stop there. He would constantly make me feel that I wasn’t contributing anything for the house. He would keep praising his mother and say that we were indebted to her forever. So, I started working home so I could take care of my son. And then the abuses got worse. He would not allow me to work. He would keep interrupting me. I would wake up everyday at 5 am and make breakfast and lunch. I would bathe my little son, get him dressed, fed and put him back to sleep. I would work during the 3 hours my son would sleep. But , my husband wouldn’t allow it. He would shout and insult me when clients came to meet.  He would keep calling often to keep tabs on me. He would ask me not to deal with clients who were men. He would say that he cared about me a lot. He would say that I was so good and naive that men would take advantage of me. Because of this I never did business with male clients. 

I remembered a bad experiance of mine when I was 18. I felt that his protectiveness would help me get over that pain. He after all did accept me as his wife when I shared my sad story to him. He said that he was proud of me. Proud that it didn’t bog me down and I overcame the trauma on my own He praised that I was a strong woman and that my strength was very attractive to him. He said that his sis had gone through something similar and its nothing to feel bad about. I was an innocent here. I believed him. I felt complete because of his admiration and understanding. I felt accepted. But, it didn’t last long. After 10 years of marriage I am realising how foolish I have been. I was always the smart one. But, when things happen close to your heart, you need to think with your mind. I was thinking with my heart which was wrong. I had read recently somewhere the signs of an abusive relationship. I was surprised that 95% of my answers were yes. I didn’t realise the extent of my abuse till I read it. The article first went about questioning my inner thoughts and feelings. They were.....