Meethe Pal

4. Precious Pain- ArHi wedding anniversary Oct21

|Originally published on India Forums|

5th Oct 2021

Can pain be precious? Is it possible to hold some wounds closer to your heart and be grateful for them? Can you enjoy suffering just because it was caused by someone whom you love more than your life?

According to Arnav Singh Raizada, yes. Because he holds too many of them, close to his heart.

Lying on the large king size bed, moving his fingers through his wife's soft hair, he was lost in deep thoughts. Late night musings as some people would say. Suddenly he had an urge to write them down, to capture what his heart never wanted to forget. Slowly disentangling himself from his sleeping wife, Arnav stepped out of their bed. Opening the drawer of his bedside table, he took out the one thing he had been keeping from his wife, his diary!

Moving to the study table and switching on the table lamp, he started writing.

"I cannot believe it is our 9th anniversary tomorrow. 9 years ago, I stopped myself from making one of the gravest mistakes of my life and was rewarded with my Khushi! That reminds me, what exactly did I do to deserve her love? Especially after a spectacular job of pushing her away for an entire year..

'Just because I kept your payal doesn't mean it means anything to me.' I had said and hurt her.

And then, few days later, she threw hot chai on my face. I was burning in and out, but I had felt a strange relief. Khushi does not know this, but I am thankful for every bit of misery she has put me through. Because I kept hurting her in worst ways possible, with choicest hurtful words. What was I thinking?

And then I forcefully married her! In the rage to hurt her and that criminal ex-husband of my di, I almost destroyed my Khushi.

'I can't believe I have to be in the same room as you, breathe in the same air as you. Disgusting!'

When the truth was, she should have been disgusted by the way I was treating her and made her live in the same house as her tormentor...

But she was a strong woman, even back then, at such a young age!

So, I feel she did right by taking my voice after that, with her macchar chaap agarbatti! She did that to annoy me, but I honestly think it was nothing. I would have done worse if I was in her place!

But yeah, I secretly felt happy with the misery she has put me through, in those initial days of our marriage and even before that. It felt like my punishment was being served when she got back to me every single time. Right from the time she threw that hot tea on my face, to accidentally slapping me, to taking my voice for a full day and to starving me until I fainted. I feel I deserved that pain and more. Half of those things she didn't even mean to do while I was deliberately hurting her time and again. With many cruel ways and words.

Even after Shyam's truth was out, I still didn't stop being a rakshas

'tum meri zindagi mein ayi hi kyun? Main tumse mila hi kyun? Tum meri life ki sabse badi galti ho Khushi Kumari Gupta'

Was there any limit to how lower I could stoop? Was there any limit to her humiliation at my hands? And for what? Just because she chose to stand by me and my family, despite all that? Just because she was an angel to my demons?

And then I chose the worst ways to bring her back to me once our contact marriage was about to get over. In my defense, I just wanted her back, by hook or crook. And crookedly is how I behaved! Making her work for me for 24 hours to earn rent money, making her sing and dance like a clown and what not! I just wanted a glimpse of my happy Khushi, but I didn't realize I was humiliating her, again! Why couldn't I just say, 'you are my everything, Khushi, I want YOU back. And not just some thousand rupees, but my entire empire belongs to you, I belong to you. It's all yours to take, yours to claim'. But I didn't say it loud! I think I did try but she was beyond listening by then. I don't blame her.

I wasn't kidding when I said I deserved to slip and hurt my back for hurting her. I genuinely deserved that and more. But seeing her heartbroken when I said, did she feel happy that I fell, made me drop the topic for ever saying it out loud again. How could she be so forgiving?

The only solace I have is the day we celebrate tomorrow, the day I did not disappoint her for once! Our remarriage day, real-marriage day! And that moment when I stood by her, her faith in me, in our love! And I thank my mother's teaching a thousand times for making me realize what I needed to do in the nick of time.

'Humein pata tha aap ayenge'

I remember the relief on her face when she saw me at door of our wedding hall. That made me realize, how cruel it would have been had I not turned up. Her love pulled me from the hell that was my past, from my sorrows and I allowed her to. I still don't believe I deserve the heaven she has turned our lives into, but I have been trying with all my heart, with every single ounce of my blood and sweat, to be worthy enough.

'Sorry Khushi, thodi deir ho gayi par ana toh tha hi'

Least she knows, that sorry was not just for coming late but for almost everything I had done until then to hurt her!

She touched my forehead, trying to gauge my bloody wound, but I stepped back. Not because I was unsure or trying to scare her but because I wanted to feel that pain. I felt I deserved the throbbing pain in my head for making her go through worst kind of emotional stress over and over again!

Another one of my precious wounds!

Since then, I have been trying to make amends and I have taken an oath to continue doing so till I breath my last.

I have spent every single moment loving her, cherishing her, protecting her the way she deserves.

I stood firm like an impenetrable wall between my wife and any hardships that could touch her. Sometimes directly, sometimes being in shadows. But I can proudly say I have not let any sorrow touch my angel in the last 9 years and I intend to do so till forever!

My wife still doesn't know I don't drink a drop of water on the days she keeps fasts. I eat bare minimum food to ensure my blood sugar levels aren't dropping but at least I could stay thirsty, without water, right? So, I do. How could I let my body be at peace when she stays with an empty stomach?

It never feels enough though because I know it is not enough!

She has forgiven me, long ago as she said. She is too pure to hold grudges, loves me too much to punish me but I wish she did. That doesn't mean she doesn't fight with me over silly reasons or gets me in trouble by her sanki-ness but she in unaware that I really don't mind any of it!

I just wish, if there is any supreme power up there, please give me enough power and strength to always keep her happy, always keep her safe! And make me worthy of the love she showers on me "

Closing the diary with a content smile, he got up. Glancing at the clock, which showed it was almost midnight. He got on the bed, careful to not wake her. But as soon as he lied down, she sensed him and moved closer, posing one of her Taekwondo poses, almost kicking him by her leg. For a moment, he felt sharp pain in his gut as her knee hit him there. Pressing his lips together, closing his eyes, he didn't make a sound to not wake her up. After a minute, he composed himself, took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Looking at a peacefully sleeping Khushi, snuggled close to him warmed his heart like anything. 'tumhara diya hua har dard mujhe manzoor hain Khushi. I love you to the moon and back. Happy anniversary!' he murmured as he pressed his lips on her forehead and wrapping her securely in his arms, went to have a peaceful sleep.

--*--

A/N - I am NOT trying to whitewash Arnav. Its just that I believe everyone has a conscience which tells them when they are wrong. Also, I found it hard to believe Arnav would be unaffected when he was hurting Khushi. So this is my way to peek in his mind :P 

I dont know if I will write anymore of this series, depends on if I am still motivated. But lets see.