They're Not Here: A BNHA Villain Deku Fanfic

Chapter 1: The Before

'"Oh, monsters are scared," said Lettie.

"That's why they're monsters."'

Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane

Nerd.

Everything.

You're useless. You can't do anything.

Everything I say.

Die!

Everything I do.

You wanna be a hero so bad? I've got a time-saving idea for you. If you think you'll have a quirk in your next life...go take a swan dive off the roof.

It's a projection. And I know it. I'm constantly doing it...nonstop. It's exhausting as it is exhilarating. To see the expressions I can only make in my mind mirrored so blatantly on someone else's face.

Fear. Pain. Hatred. All directed at me. All for me. My own.

If only I could eradicate that sick, stubborn admiration from his eyes. Then maybe...

maybe I could breathe.

"Oiiiiii! Katsuki! Where you at??"

I look up sharply from where I'm staring at the water's surface and my body immediately heats up with barely repressed explosions. I can see the extras' shadows as they near, any second now they'll round the corner and see where I am. What I'm doing. "Shut the hell up! Why are you screaming like idiots, morons?!" I thrust my hand into the water, grab it, and shove the soggy mess into my pocket before they can see what I'm doing. I wasn't expecting to find it here. I was positive he'd have come to fetch it like the pathetic loser that he is. That's the only reason I came here. To see if he'd fished it out so I could mock him about it tomorrow. But it was still there. Notebook No. 13. Exactly where I'd flung it.

They come around the corner just for me to shove past them with my hands in my pockets. "Let's go," I growl, and the extras obediently oblige. Just like two pets. Because who wouldn't want to be my pet?

Deku would totally kill for it.

We stop at the convenience store on our way to my house because the extras want to. I grab this drink called 'Lip Service' because it's fitting and because it's the first thing I see. The extras don't buy anything which I vaguely think is weird because they're the ones who dragged me in there. I'm about to annoy them about it when Extra #1 pipes up. "That little green-haired bitch...haven't you known him since you were kids?"

Extra #2 joins in. "Yeah, didn't you go too far today?"

I kick at a loose pebble. "Whatever! It's his fault for messing with me." Lip Service turns out to be really gross so I take this moment to blow it up into oblivion in my hand. "He still acts like he's a kid...like he hasn't grown a day older. It pisses me the hell off!"

That's when I finally figure out why we went to the convenience store. Apparently, the extras decided to use their quirks to shoplift some cigarettes which they're pulling out now. I don't know what pisses me off more, the shoplifting, the cigarettes, or their need to bring up Deku even when he's nowhere near us and shouldn't even be a bloody thought.

"I thought I told you to stop smoking!" I decide to go with that. It's simplest. "Get caught and it'll go on my record too, dumbasses!"

The extras start trembling and that reeeaaaally ticks me off. Are they doing their best Deku impersonations or what? And then I realize that they're not looking at me.

I hear the garbling voice. And then I feel it. The voice is in my ears. The voice is inside me. It's wet. It smells. And I can tell right away that it's strong.

My chest constricts as I immediately begin to struggle. I have to fight back with everything I have. I can't let it have what it wants. It can't win. Because if I do let it win...and I don't give it my one hundred percent that means...that means...that I...I...

It means I wouldn't be the greatest. That's all. That's the only reason. Simple and straightforward. Just like me.

I don't know how long the struggle lasts. Dimly I'm aware of a growing crowd but nobody helps me. Like I need their help. They probably all just know that I've got this. I've got this. I've got this. I'm winning...I'm winning...I'm...crying? Why? Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

That's when I see him. And his stupid, frantic, desperate, little face knocks the tears right back where they belong. Deku?

"Kacchan!!"

There's no doubt about it. I'm not going crazy.

"You! Why?" I snap as he leaps right at us like a freak with a death wish (projecting...I'm projecting...again...) And then...and then All Might shows up and then it's over of course.

When it's finished I'm surrounded by people and they're all saying something. But I tune them out. Stupid extras.

_____

I don't know why but I'm looking for him. I've run back and forth on the route of his apartment but no luck. So finally, I just suck it up and knock on his door but his annoyingly surprised mother tells me that he isn't home. She's pretty dense so I know she wouldn't lie.

So, finally, I just give up. But I don't go home.

Absently I head to the place that I visit at least once a month. I don't know why I do it. I don't even want to do it. But whether I want to or not my feet always take me there.

The school roof. I meander to the railing and stare straight down. Now, I should know better than anyone that it's always deserted this time of night. So needless to say every hair on my body stands up on end when instead of hearing silence and a stream of inner thought I hear an astonished, "Kacchan?!" squeak just a few feet to my left.

"The hell?!" I whirl around and see him standing there. Mostly hidden by shadow but very obvious now that I know he's there. Why can't I seem to escape him today? "Deku?"

"Uh...Kacchan," he says again. "What are you um...I wasn't expecting..."

That's when I notice. He's got one foot. He's got a foot...

I grab him by the collar and yank him down before shoving him towards the door. "Get out of here! Are you a stalker? Stop following me around!"

He taps his fingers together nervously and looks away. "I was here um first...but..."

"Just go away! Go home or whatever! And by the way, I never asked you to save me! As if you even could. How could a quirkless failure like you pity me?" I start kneeing him in the stomach with every other word I say. "You little piece of shit! You're shit! You little shit!"

I let go of him and back away to catch my breath. Deku hunches over and clutches his knees. Finally, he looks up at me, and from behind the tears and perspiration, I see it...that terrifying admiration. How could he? Why? Why? "Kac...chan..." he pants. "You know why I'm here."

He's not asking. He knows. I know. I grunt and look away. But I can sense him straightening.

"And why...why are you here?" he asks.

I jerk my head to face him once more, the heated words 'why the hell should I have to answer to you?' half-formed on my lips. But they fizzle out like steam. He's smiling. He's smiling at me. A shiver runs down my spine.

"I guess I'll be going first, Ka-c-cha-n," he murmurs.

What the hell? "...yeah...Whatever," I say out loud.

Deku walks out the door and leaves me alone on the roof. My fingers curl around the warm sparks that flicker in my palms. Stupid nerd.

Then I go home too. We both go home. Like nothing happened. Like everything is fine.

Lie and grin. It's every aspiring hero's starter kit.