Shades of Gray

Chapter 5

I have been extremely tired and disconnected this entire week, and today is worse since it is my visiting day with mama. I have about four more hours until this happens, and I stare at the tray in front of me of my uneaten lunch while my friends sit with me.

"Grayson, what's wrong? You have been off all week," Wyatt gently asks as he rubs my back with his large left hand.

"Huh?" I ask stupidly while I look over at him, and he looks concerned - hell, so do Kyler and Ryker.

"What's wrong with you?" Kyler softly asks with teary eyes - he wears his heart on his sleeves, and I love him for it.

"Oh, um, Nanma and I are visiting mama this afternoon at 4 o'clock," I mumble nervously, taking a quick glance at Ryker, who has a curious expresion in his amber eyes.

"Oh," Wyatt and Kyler murmur in shocked understanding.

"Where are you visiting her? Hopefully it isn't a long drive?" Ryker asks, and for some reason my tummy twists in painful knots.

"It's not far at all," I mumble as my palms start sweating while my body trembles.

"Gray, please believe me when I tell you that Ryker isn't going to judge you," Wyatt gently says with sinsear eyes.

Thickly swallowing, I face Ryker, who seems confused now; "My mama is in prison, serving a life sentence for uh, killing her pimp. I, uh, was, ah."

"Grayson was born in the prison, and that is why is grandparents are raising him, and are his legal parents. He doesn't see her often for his own reasons," Wyatt gently explains as he gently holds my thigh.

The longer Ryker remains silent as he blinks slowly at me, the worse my anxiety becomes. Kyler tightly holds me in his embrace as I shake against him.

"Ryker, the longer you are silent, the worse Gray's thinking becomes that you are thinking horrible thoughts about him," Kyler murmurs, and I dig my face into his warm, soft neck.

"Grayson, I'm sorry for doing that as it wasn't my intent," Ryker finally says a second later. "I didn't mean to upset you, and I'm sure your mom feels horrible for this situation."

"That's the thing, she doesn't," I murmur with a frown, and a shake of my head. "Don't worry about upsetting me since I need to accept what she has done, and not let it bother me anymore."

"Grayson, you don't need to accept what she did if you are not ready too," Wyatt sighs while rubbing his right eye with his right fist.

"She is my mama, and she did it so I wasn't raised in that life," I half heartidly mumble. "Shouldn't that be reason enough that I should love her, and want to see her? The last time I saw her was six years ago, and before that I would saw her once every three to four months."

"Just because she is your mum doesn't mean you should see her every month for the rest of your life," Ryker grumbles lowly, and the three of us snap our attentions to himwith frowns. "But she's my mama, it's my duty too."

"Hell with duty, you shouldn't stress yourself over this. She made her choices in life, and she has to deal with those, not you," he insists lowly. "You need to live for you, and not her, or anyone else."

Dropping my eyes to the tray in front of me while I ponder over his words. In my mind I know he has a point, but in my heart, I can't fully agree with him, but perhaps one day in the future I can. By the end of the day, I'm a fucking nervous wreck while I lean my head against my closed locker door. My eyes are tightly shut as my body violently shakes.

"Grayson, what the hell is going on?" Wyatt hollers, pulling me away from the locker to hug me tightly as if he is trying to contain my shaking body.

Unable to answer him since my brain is a foggy mess from fear, I can't hear Wyatt, Kyler, and Ryker speaking around me, but I can't hear what they are saying. I notice being shifted to another person's hold, and I think it is Ryker since the body I'm against is muscular, and doesn't smell like Kyler's body spray.

"You are okay, Grayson," Ryker's deep voice says as he rocks us from side to side. "Follow my breathing, okay?"

Focusing on the rise and fall of his chest, and the thumping of his chest for a few minutes while he continues to hold me tightly. I have always felt safe in Wyatt, Kyler, and Papa's holds, but I have never calmed this quickly with them as I am now in Ryker's hold which is strange, but I'm not complaining.

"Ryker, make it stop, please!" I beg, fisting the back of his shirt just above his waist of his denium jeans tightly in my hands.

"I promise you will get past this Gray," he sweetly murmurs in my right ear soothingly while he rubs my back. "Tell me two things you can smell."

"Your cologne and your minty toothpaste," I shakily murmur into his chest as my body and breathing calm more.

"Good boy! Name two things you you can hear?" he softly praises into my ear as he contiunes to rub my back with his warm hand, and rock us.

"Your heartbeat, and Wyatt talking," I murmur around a loud yawn.

"Good job, baby! Now tell me one thing you can touch?" he whispers into my hair as I snuggle deeper into his body.

"Your warm sexy body," I mumble as I fight to stay awake.

Ryker softly chuckles as he praises me while kissing the top of my head as I fall asleep standing against him. I have no idea what happened after falling asleep, but all I know is I was safe, happy, and warm being in Ryker's hold.