Gordon Ramsey and Harry Styles Bible rendition

the creation story

In the beginning, God (also known by the name Brian Cornell) created Target. It was great and beautiful, but he realized there was no one to enjoy it. He then created Ryan from the dust that was on top of the Shopkins  boxes. Ryan was the first man to ever go to Target. 

After a while, God realized that Ryan was bored; barbie dolls can only bring so much enjoyment. He then created Rochelle from Ryan's tongue. This is why women have 2 tongues and men have no tongues.  

God wanted to make his loyal humans happy, so he gave them a unlimited target gift card that never expires. Now Ryan and Rochelle could roam around the store and buy anything the wanted. BUT- The one thing they God told them they couldn't buy was insurance. He said insurance was always a scam and to never be trusted. NO MATTER WHAT.

Ryan and Rochelle were happy. They had the free will to buy whatever they wanted and had all the toys in the Target kid's section they could imagine. They were so grateful Brian Cornell gave them a gift card. 

One day, as they were fluttering around the isles they noticed a suspiciously large lizard. They thought he seemed interesting so they went to talk to him. He told them of the wonders that are insurance, especially Geico. "15 minutes can save you 15% or more on your car insurance," the lizard said.

Rochelle gave in to the lizard and bought the car insurance, despite what God said. Ryan and Rochelle were happy with their insurance, until they got in a wreck and did NOT get 15% or more on their car insurance. 

God a saw this and was absolutely FUMING. He could not believe his eyes when his humans did that. He was so mad that he ripped the target gift card out of their hands, and sent them to the crusty Goodwill, which he also owned.  

Ryan and Rochelle lived in the horrid Goodwill. They had to sleep on the crusty used couches and could only wearing 50% off children's clothes because if they try to put on anything else it will disintegrate. They had a horrible life because they bought the insurance.