To My Youth [BL]

[18] Swallowing the Ashes (3/4)

Lan Yuning, who still stood behind Gu Xiao, could only stay silent and listen while He Rong's eyes kept wavering.

His glances never settled down to firmly meet Gu Xiao's eyes, who didn't leave him for a single moment. It was unsettling. 

He Rong continued, "Even though you and Wu Fei were the school's most honourable students, even you felt ashamed to be involved with him after those rumours."

When those words made it to Gu Xiao's ears, his body grew slightly cold. Those words were so familiar that they tortured him into this state of fear.

Gu Xiao could no longer feel this burning hatred because he was too burnt out. This contempt was something that could only be experienced when it burned every inch of his bones and nerves that paralysed his thoughts.

But it was undeniably true that he couldn't direct everything towards He Rong because most of this loathe was towards himself.

Gu Xiao calmly explained, "I have never once said I was ashamed, disgusted, or afraid to be with him, so don't twist my actions around to fit your ideals of me. But you are right. I was ashamed and disgusted, not because of him, but because I sat through it and let you run your mouth even though I knew I was clearly at fault too. I know I am at fault, but what about you? You know it was a mistake, but that is all. You know, but you do not understand."

It was one thing to know, but to understand was something else. It was something that required more effort that it was bothersome.

"Like always, what wise words you are spouting. While you and Zhang Yongyin just ran away and disappeared, the rest of the year group had to deal with everything, even carrying it till now. So, you two are rather cowards, aren't you? Sure, let's just say I am a vile person, but people make mistakes, alright?"

A shallow exhale escaped Gu Xiao's lips and gradually, a solemn smile formed on his face. It was nothing more than a reproduction of an uncountable expression that forced an unclean chill to crawl up He Rong's spine. Gu Xiao didn't say anything except smile at him.

"What's so funny?"

"Why do you and Wu Fei decide who I am and who I am not? Is this a universal thing? Ah... what is it about me that makes people want to indulge in such infatuation and obsession towards me? Should I be happy? He Rong. Tell me. You would know clearly."

All warmth left He Rong's face the moment he heard those words. Infatuation and obsession. It was just those words that acted like a knife to his heart, plunging deeper and deeper, but this was what Gu Xiao wanted.

He Rong clenched his jaw and his head fumed in shades of red.

"Didn't you know? Wu Fei despised you, but he was also obsessed with you at the same time. He despised everyone, but he still pretended to be an angel to gain their favour! Can't you see that you are still delusional? Sure, it is sad that he is no longer here, but is it really worth dwelling on it and feeling guilty? There's nothing you can do about it anymore, Gu Xiao. He's gone. I'm just trying to help you move on, but you make it seem as if I'm nothing but an annoying bug."

"No. You are wrong."

"I'm wrong?"

"Despising and obsession. That is what you want to believe what Wu Fei was like. Are you sure you're not talking about yourself? Despising yet being obsessed. Look, you are still doing it even now. You are trying to make up false facts just to spite people. Why do you enjoy making people feel miserable? I've always been curious about you. Are you jealous of something?"

"Shut up! I—" He started, but Gu Xiao interrupted.

"Have you been smoking?"

This was the first time Gu Xiao had ever interrupted someone when they talked that it surprised both He Rong himself and Lan Yuning.

This was also the first time Lan Yuning heard Gu Xiao appear this heated, yet still constricting his emotions.

Abruptly, another voice joined and broke the heated conversation down.

"Hey, He Rong, aren't you coming?"

Two people walked out of the changing rooms and looked at the person in front of them.

When they saw it was Gu Xiao, a happiness or rejoice brightened their faces.

Gu Xiao immediately straightened his lips and shifted his glance to the two, eyeing them from head to toe.

There were indeed too many people around him before that he couldn't remember most of these old faces.

Only then did he realise how thin his relationships were, or perhaps it was because he had other things to deal with during that time that his mind didn't have the capacity to remember these vague faces.

Although there were so many people he talked to, he wouldn't be able to do it if someone asked him to describe their faces, characteristics, and list their names.

One slapped Gu Xiao's arm and smiled, "Gu Xiao! How did you grow so tall? I swear you were always shorter than me."

"Let's go," He Rong said.

"Why in a rush? We haven't talked in so long."

"Yeah. We should hang out together."

After a few minutes of examining these two people, did he realise they weren't from his previous high school, but his old cram school.

"Let's just go!"

The two exchanged looks in confusion at He Rong's anger and didn't know how to respond.

They simply greeted Gu Xiao with a quick bow, but before they left, before following He Rong, yet they still took a few glances back at Gu Xiao in puzzlement.

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A/N: Characters
Gu Xiao (MC)
Gu Heiyu - Gu Xiao's younger sister
Zhang Yongyin - Gu Xiao's friend
Lan Yuning - Student President
Song Anwen - Lan Yuning's friend
Wang Xing - Class Rep
He Rong - Lan Yuning's ex-boyfriend + Gu Xiao's friend from old school
Wu Fei - GX/HR/ZYY's friend from old school who committed suicide