Her Will to Live

Chapter 7: Hurting

GRACELYN'S POV
I wake up lying on my bed with a tear stained face and zero motivation. School starts in less than twenty minutes, but I make the safe decision to remain in bed all day. I don't think I'll ever be able to face anyone after hearing the purely disgusting rumours that were spread.

I roll over onto my other side and immediately feel a harsh sensation of pain shoot up my arm. I completely forgot about yesterday's events.

I couldn't stop the pain. The pain wouldn't go away. The crying wouldn't go away. The shaking wouldn't go away. So I done myself a favour as well as everyone else.

I inflicted physical pain on myself. I had a short streak going for how long I had gone without doing it, but I failed. That's what happens to failures though. They never succeed.

The wounds on my arm stopped the emotional suffering for a while. It's what they all wanted anyway. Isn't it? For me to suffer. I deserved it. I deserve it. Maybe I was mean to everyone when I was viewed as popular and this is my karma. Or maybe I was just always a useless burden. It was only yesterday things officially changed, but in my mind...they changed long ago.

I've never been able to look in the mirror and say I like what I see. I've also never been able to go a day in public without worrying about whether or not people are judging me for my appearance or personality.

To make myself feel better, since I began high school I've been counting my calories. Reading the packet of every piece of food I eat. I've been weighing myself every day since just before I left Primary School too.

It's how I stay skinny, well slightly underweight, just the way I like it. Mum used to say how much she wishes she had my metabolism. Little does she know that when she used to say these things, I was bulimic.

Mum did notice the dry skin, puffy face and how suddenly our periods stopped syncing up though. I rarely got mine anymore. When I realised it had become too risky and that she was potentially coming close to catching on, I stopped. It was very difficult to say the least. This difficulty is one of the significant reasons as to why I turned to counting calories.

I'm sure I've hidden all of this from everyone fairly well though because no one ever worries. Or maybe I'm just that worthless, that I'm not worth worrying over. I'm not entirely sure yet.

At least after yesterday Zahia was given the opportunity to prove just how little she really cares about me. It hurt, but I'm learning the sad truth slowly everyday.

From my bedroom I hear the front door open. Immediately I begin to assume the worst. If it had of been any other day I would have been in a frantic state, but it's not. I climb out of bed and make my way towards the door. In an instant I'm wrapped around two comforting arms.

"Hunny I thought you would have been at school by now. Are you okay? Sick? Upset? Well whatever it is, Mumma's here now." Mum begins to soothe me by stroking my hair. I take in every moment, even though I know it was probably forced and fake.

After a moment I decide to explain I haven't been feeling well and luckily she believes me without any questions.

***

"Yes, they're still at the lake house," Mum responds to my question, "I'm only home for one night before I have to leave again sorry dear."

"Wait I thought the cruise for your work wasn't for at least another four months?" I practically question her confused.

"It was supposed to be in four and a half months, you are correct. My work colleague Julie is the one preparing the cruise though, but the date it was originally set for is her baby's due date. We've all agreed it would be safest for her and the baby to be at least on land near the closest hospital when she is about to give birth. The work schedule has been mucked up a fair bit now, but that's just business for you I guess."

"I know," I smile genuinely happy for Mum having this opportunity.

"Gracelyn sweet, the cruise is for two months. That's a very long while to be on your own. I will gladly allow you to drive the car and I will continue to transfer money into your account for you to spend, but if you want me to stay I am more than happy to be here for you."

Mum pulls me in for another hug. Gosh I am going to miss her, but I know it would be selfish to take this moment away from her and I don't want to be any more of a burden.

"No Mum don't be silly. Go, have fun. Don't forget to call me as often as possible and to take pictures of everything though." I flash her a cheesy grin.

We stay embraced in this hug until it's time for her to prepare the last dinner we will be having together for a whole two months. I'm scared, petrified if I am being completely honest, but deep down I know as her daughter I need to allow her to have fun. That's what any good child would let their parent do anyway and that's what I'm trying to be for her. A good daughter.