Daughters of Moonlight

Chapter 4

     The halls seemed to echo more today, the already cold and empty house even emptier than usual. The funeral was today but I didn’t know if I could do it. I expected pain, and pain came, pain unlike anything I felt before but along with the pain was a terrifying, unexpected numbness. The world was colder as though a chill seemed to follow me in my every waking moment. My only solace was the water. I bathed so often, Silvia was starting to get worried. I walked into my room to see Silvia already drawing me a bath. There was a blazing fire in front of the bed but even sitting right in front of it I could not seem to pull any warmth into me. My arms wrapped around my body as I mumbled a thank you to Silvia. She left the room quickly, but not before shooting me a worried glance and muttering something about how awful it was about my father.
    I was weary even though I had done nothing all day. I slid my body into the warm water and let it surround me again. Feeling the warmth surrounding me and finally feeling something other than the pain and numbness of loss. The water was a comfort, it made me feel safe, protected and when I was underwater I felt as though I could stay there forever, I wish I could but I knew that that wasn’t possible, couldn’t be possible.
    It wasn’t long before I knew that I had to leave, they would be expecting me at dinner of course. I would have to face Damara again and her picture perfect grief. The coldness of the air felt like a shock as I stood up out of the water. And the comfort that I had gained from the water. The illusion of safety and of peace left as soon as it had arrived. With the water gone I was just left to contend with the pain and the numbness of loss on my own. I had to face the coldness of this house and I was expected to grieve beautifully.
    But if I wanted to be respected as the new lord I'd have to abide by these rules. Suddenly my brain clicked. I was going to be a lord. Guilt overwhelmed me, recalling the last conversation I had with my father. I truly thought he would eventually take the blood. I never thought he'd actually die. The guilt is burying me in a sea of pain. I have no idea what to do. Monster. That's what I am. I didn't stay with him. I abandoned him in his time of need. Before I truly collapsed onto the floor with my emotions Silvia walked in to prepare me for the funeral. She laced my stays loosely as if scared to break me,and fitted me into a ridiculously heavy dress filled with golden flowers, a symbol of wealth. It amazed me how, even dead, it is important to flaunt my fathers wealth.Silvia put my white wig on top of my shaved head, I didn’t have the strength to keep my head held high with this wig but I was never allowed to grow and have my natural hair, not even Keres has seen saw my scalp. My black dress was almost bigger than my door, Silvia needed help from the other maids to push me through it.

   
I passed the kitchens and the warmth was a brief comfort but nothing like the water. And just as fast as the comfort of the warmth had arrived it was gone again. I passed another mirror and I was forced to contend with my puffy eyes and the streaks of tears left there. I didn’t hate what I saw but I knew that they wouldn’t understand it. They couldn’t.
    The mahogany doors stared back at me tauntingly. I had stood before them thousands of times before and I knew what lay behind them but they seemed to be heavier today, they felt impossible to open. I knew that the emptiness of the house would be reflected in the silent people in the large hall and I put off opening them for quite a while. I found a speck of dust on the perfect velvet curtains and I spent time trying to get rid of it. I noticed that the ground still needed to be swept and decided that I should go find someone to talk to about it. Anything to avoid walking into the hall and avoid facing all the silently excited mourners. I finally forced myself to push the doors open. Even with my tall frame and athletic build it seemed heavier than I ever remembered.
   The room was silent as I entered, power that I have never truly had came flooding in. I realized they were waiting for me to start. My fathers lifeless body in the middle of the hall somehow seemed disrespectful. As people with feathers and wigs as big as their heads floated around the room so that everyone could bask in their opulence. Bile ran up my throat but I tried to keep it down. It felt like no one even cared he was gone, only that his wealth had stayed. Damara came towards the middle of the room, her gown was white as if she was a delicate widow, her veil covered half her face and she had a coller going up her neck and outwards. I can't deny she looked like an angel, but only I knew that she was the closest thing to the embodiment of evil in this room.
   ''Welcome, welcome everyone I want to thank everyone for making the perilous journey through those stairs to get here.'' she said while her eyes were twinkling, I have never seen her so happy. '' Now I just want to say we are all here to thank him for the things he has made and built, the empire for us to continue.'' Everyone hummed together as a sign of respect. In the corner of my eye I saw Keres, it was weird because he had the same glint in his eye as Damara. Something about all that made me uneasy but I pushed it all out.
    A tall stranger approached me, I schooled my expression trying to take on Damara’s elegant sadness but I couldn’t. I expected the typical words of woe. Instead he said, “We are so grateful for the treasure that he left behind” his eyes flickered up and down my body in a way that made my skin crawl. I couldn’t take it anymore.
    The doors that had seemed so heavy before seemed lighter than they had ever been. I pushed them open with only the thought of leaving. I passed the same mirror on my way out and this time the dust on the ground no longer seemed to matter. I heard the sounds of the door opening again and the clicking of footsteps down the hall but I didn’t look back until Damara called out my name.
    “Naiya!” she sounded angry, gone was the ruse of gentility. She no longer cared about me, with no reputation to keep alive she had no reason to show me respect.
    I turned around slowly, my head held high to face her. Even as I felt the strain on my neck of holding up the wig I did not drop my chin. I held her gaze, unwavering. “Whatever do you need Princess Damara?” I could hardly keep the rage out of my voice.
    Her words faltered for only a second before she spoke “You’ll ruin my reputation, running from the hall like some nymph child” she said nymph like it was something dirty, like she hardly deigned to have it in her mouth.
    My blood boiled at the word nymph and it took all my strength to not slap her elegant features. It was like a blow to my abdomen but my words came out quietly, calculated “I’m leaving. I’m not going to come back, tell them that I’m disgraced, save your pretty little face and forget I exist just let. Me. go.” I turned around and she grabbed my hand forcefully.
“You have to stop disrespecting me like that, you are nothing but a spoiled orphan.” her words cut deeper than she meant.
“Well you are nothing but a whore.” my words were less harsh than intended. I wanted her to bleed and hurt. The look of shock on her face quickly morphed into hurt. I felt a deep pang of guilt, but no, I wasn't going to let her play the victim.
Damara exaggerated her scoff, “What did you just call me?”
“You heard me, you are a whore. You married my father simply for wealth and power and couldn't look less happy that he's gone.” my words burned through my throat, I was ready for a war.
This time her amusement wasn’t exaggerated and her laughter wasn’t as forced as I expected “Don’t forget that he married me for power too,he knew exactly what was going on it was a mutual benefit Naia,” her words were sing songy almost like explaining it to a toddler “and yes, I am glad he’s gone. I’m happy to get out from under him. I’m happy to no longer have him controlling every aspect of my life. I’m glad that he can no longer humiliate me, to disgrace the already disgraced princess even as he elevated, worshipped, a nymph,”
I tried to ignore her words hoping they weren’t true and it was another one of her intimidation tactics. My mouth wouldn’t open and my voice was silenced. She’d won the round. As Damara went back to the “party” I saw Keres white hair and a familiar silhouette.
    “Nai!” he called out to me, concerned
The lump in my throat only grew and the tears sprang to my eyes faster as I remembered the look on his face in the hall. Now though he seemed to pity me. His expression was one of sadness and concern but deep in his eyes I still saw the almost childlike glee that he couldn’t hide. I tried to brush it off but it was hard. “I’m sorry, it’s okay I’ll be fine just get back to the funeral, go on without me,” the words rushed out of me with scarce enough time to even take a breath or to think about my words.
    “Nai, no I want to be here for you,” his words sounded so genuine as he wrapped his arms around me to comfort me.
    I cried into his shoulder for as long as I would allow myself but when I tried to push away he kept me in his embrace.
    “Don’t worry Nai, we can get through this, when I’m governor I’ll make sure that no one hurts you,” despite all his best efforts he still seemed to emphasize the “I’m” and the thought made my heart sink.
    “I’m leaving, Keres,” he pulled back and I saw a myriad of emotions, but most of all I saw a cold anger I’d never seen before.
“As lord I demand you to stay here with me.”I tried to hide my laugh but it burst out.
“What are you talking about? I'm the sole blood heir.”
“Not unless you marry me.” he was actually serious. It scared me.
“Stop it Keres, it’s not funny.”
“My mother has prepared me for this day. I will be governor by popular vote or marriage. It doesn't matter, you will still be happy.” the glint in his eye shined brighter now, ah that's what it was about. My stomach sank, was I truly being usurped by my Keres.
    “No, Keres, this is my right. You can be a counselor if you want,” as I said it I caressed his cheek, knowing somewhere deep inside of me that this would be the last time that I had felt such a way for him.
A deep maniacal laugh surfaced. “I don't want to be a measly little counselor. I want to be king eventually, for that I need to be governor.” He had said it so calmly and calculated as if it made perfect sense, he had clearly put a lot of thought into it. My world was shaking and I felt like vomiting.
“What do you mean, Keres, you're not anywhere close to receiving the throne.”
He laughed. “Yet.” The emphasis on that small word made my legs tremble. I needed to get out of here.
“Okay Keres think what you want is to just let me go.”  I said, as I began to back away barely managing to use my legs, Keres opened his mouth but let me leave knowing I might faint here all at once.
I made my way to the heat of the kitchen falling as soon as I saw Kris. a ripple of emotion bursts inside me. I thought I knew Keres. I thought I loved him, I thought I hated Damara. Everything I thought I knew had vanished and all that was left for me was my own sanity even now that was holding on by a thread.
“Naiya, are you ok?”  Kris’s strong baker arms embrace me, helping me feel just a little more grounded in reality.
“I don’t even know anymore, Kris,” the words started slowly but as I began to talk everything spilled out of me and before long the entirety of everything that had happened had been told. “And now I don’t even know what’s real and what’s not, I can’t even tell if I even hate Damara anymore. Everything that I’ve built on in my life was made of sand it seems. And now that the tide has come to wash it away I’m left with nothing to stand on,” I looked up at Kris who wasn’t saying a word, just looking at me gently, apparently lost in thought. I took a deep breath and spoke again, “And Keres, Kris, Keres is using me,” even as I said the words I still had a hard time believing them, “Keres wants the throne, he never loved me,” I saw a flicker in Kris’s eyes as I said this but I kept going “He told me that he’s going to be governor no matter what, he wants to force me into a marriage with him,” I said it almost at a whisper, almost as if to speak any louder would make the thought true.
Kris, who had been silent the entire time suddenly spoke. “You need to leave.” There was nothing uncertain about their  words. They were spoken with such a finality that it shocked me into action. “Now.”
I looked up at Kris again and was surprised to see tears. I turned around as tears sprang to my own eyes then looked back at Kris, before leaving the warmth of the kitchens and the warmth of Kris’s company back to the emptiness of the halls that leached me of my comfort leaving me with nothing more than guilt and pain.    
I made my way to my room that now seemed hollow and useless. None of my maids were here, which was  better. I didn't have the strength to say goodbye to Silvia. I grabbed my bag and stuffed anything I saw into it hoping it would help me as well as the gold and silver sconce in my room. I fitted into my trustiest pair of brown leather boots. As I made my way out to the door knowing my life will never be the same, a rush of cold air hit me. My door had been opened and I looked up, right into the startling green eyes that could only belong to one person.
“Nai,” He said it like he still loved me, it made my stomach roll. Even as the disgust came over me I felt something much stronger than it. It was unexpected and strange. After weeks of numbness and pain I never expected to feel fear.